Putting my big girl panties on

So here we are. It's officially 2012...new year, new goals, new checklists, and apparently, impending doom if the Mayans were right. I've decided that this year is the year that I get myself together. Not because it's a new year, no. But because this is the year that I turn 30 and I will be damned if I enter this new decade doing some of the same things I've been doing, or not accomplishing some of the things I want.


I think about things that I want to do or have all of the time. I want a better job that challenges me [and pays me more, who am I kidding]. I want my room to be more organized, my body to be more toned, my hair to curl more. Travel somewhere new, dress more stylishly...the list goes on and on.


I'm constantly thinking about things I need/want to do and later on realize that most of them go undone. Maybe it's because I forget some and don't put much effort into others because I'm busting my butt to attain the other few. Whatever the reason, I don't want to do that anymore. I want to have a goal, no matter how tiny, and do it. What better way than to put it on a freaking public blog so I can be held accountable for it after, right?


So here we go, in no type of order...all of these are things I want to have by the end of the year, unless otherwise noted.

1. De-clutter my room/home.
2. Buy a duvet.
3. Get new blinds for my room. And possibly a curtain.
4. Live alone by the time I turn 30.
5. Frame all of the things I want to frame.
6. Wash my car.
7. Maintain some sort of exercise regimen. I always fall off when it gets hot. Heat scares me. [And by hot I mean 90 degree NYC summer time hot.]
8. Read more.
9. Update my wardrobe.
10. Kick butt at work.
11. Go to Chile. I'm due for a visit.
12. Develop better sleeping habits.
13. Be a [tad bit] more risky.
14. Date more. Or at all. However you want to look at it.
15. Learn how to put on bloody eye shadow in colors other than my neutral safety palette.
16. Get my Italian skills back [already bought a livingsocial deal for this!]
17. Find someone who can make my hair look wonderful.

...to be continued.

It's been a long time...

I shouldn't have left you, left you

Without some blog posts to go to, go to
Go to, go to, go to, go to, go to...

:: chika chika chika ::

Ok I'm done being completely corny.

I have stayed off of this blog for far too long and quite frankly, I missed it. [and the whole 10 of you that actually read it] Truth is, if I kept coming here since the last time I posted, every post would have been sad as I was mourning.

Well, I still am mourning but I just didn't want to do it on a blog. The first month of my dealing with my friend's passing was public...very public. And while it helped in its own way, it was too much for me. Too much to be speaking at memorials and having people I've never met in my life contact me on Facebook. I don't know what the "proper" way to deal with this is, but that didn't seem like it was it. While I absolutely appreciate every person that reached out to me, and I wouldn't change one thing that I said or did, I needed ... no, I NEED, to do this privately. Alone. Or as alone as I need it to be. I'm better. Not perfect but better. Sometimes I forget and sometimes I lay awake at night and cry. It is what it is. But I need to do it my way. Semi alone. I don't want to check in at the cemetary on 4sq, or write sad messages to her on her page, or write sad statuses about life and how it sucks or whatever. To each their own but I can't keep myself in a constant state of misery, and I feel bad, borderline guilty, when I publicly see all of these feelings and my reaction is just ... why are you doing that? I've never really liked running to people to fix things and since this is unfixable, I kind of don't see any reason to run to someone to talk about it.

Ok I'm done ... back to my non-sad post!

So here we go ...

Randoms

• I took a hiatus from online dating because I'm convinced it is not for me. Recently bored, I updated my profile and an attractive fellow messaged me [score!]. First exchange was a smiley [ok, cute and simple]. Second exchange was the following: "so what type of hispanic are you?" Dumbfounded [and after shit talking with a couple of people about said exchange], I sarcastically replied with "the cool kind. I'm also fluent in spanish. you?" Apparently this backfired on me because I was met with a "oh well what's the cool kind because as far as I know, i'm the coolest kind around."
  Ok. Now i'm just annoyed, so I replied with a curt "chilean". To which I'm met with "cool I'm prican, your a hot chilean =) "
  That's verbatim my dear readers. Needless to say, this was met with an eye roll and a sigh.  Lesson to be learned from this: do not ask people what TYPE of ethnicity they are. thanks
• I am taking the first vacation vacation I've taken since ... 09? in 2 weeks. I haven't told many people about it, but it requires a passport so I am excited! Can't wait to get the hell out of this city and cut connection from everyone for 10 days.
• Despite the fact that I'm "going black", I've decided that I will be carrying my ipod around and hoping for wifi because I want to check in on foursquare! Please don't judge me, but unlocking a badge and seeing what random things you get points for is fun. Plus there are deals! And they work!
• Also, for the first time in my life I am going to start packing/getting ready early. Like almost 2 weeks early. I feel like I'm missing so many things I need to take but can't figure out what...so might as well start at least getting out what I'm taking so I can get a clear picture. Wish me luck!
• The year is ending and I need to focus on seriously job hunting. I am hitting my 4th year in February and I am over it.
• I have become somewhat obsessed with my hair, how it looks, and how/what I use to style it. Unfortunately I keep aiming for "big" hair and it seems that my hair used to get "big" because it was unhealthy. Now that I'm taking care of it, it's not like that anymore. le sigh.
• My dad told me on the side that my mom is all upset because I never go out with her and the lady upstairs goes out shopping with her daughters on the weekends. The whole "she goes out with her friends" and not me thing came out. Little does she know I don't even go out shopping for myself because I hate it! What to do, what to do. 
• Speaking of shopping, I desperately need to do it because I have very little winter clothes and what I do have are years old. But I hate shopping. The lines, the crowds, how hot the stores are. I'm old and it's no longer fun.
• Along with the whole shopping thing, I feel like I have trouble finding clothes now. I'm in what I feel is a weird age [29]. I'm too young for some looks, but too old for others. Add to that that I don't really like crazy fashion trends because guess what, once the trend is over, then that piece is semi useless. 
• I want to try the new dynamic blogger themes but they are weird. Or maybe not, but I think it's weird that it doesn't seem to stay set on one theme, you just select the view from the toolbar and it changes. And I don't like that my gadgets and stuff aren't in view. Ok I'm done...love you blogger!

hot mess of america

That's the best way to describe me right now. How I'm feeling. I feel like a huge, gigantic mess. The other day I made a list, divided into 3 categories, of things I need to do. Cut my hair, look up airfare, throw away old makeup, get a recycle bin. The list was absolutely all over the place, but the two main to-do items that I believe are the main things contributing to my messy state are:

1. Update resume
2. Apply to jobs

I have finally admitted to myself that I hate my job. Not dislike. Not deem it as less than desirable.

No, I hate it.

I could go on and on about what has made me come to this conclusion, but I won't bore anyone with that. Just know that every morning I wake up with a feeling of disdain. The thought of once again, going downtown to sit 8 hours at that desk with those people, hurts my tummy. I like *what* I do...my problem is who I do it for. Specifically, the department I do it for.

Last week I had to attend a 3 day training on a product I've already had for 3 years because I had never been trained in it before [if that doesn't make sense to you, don't worry, it didn't to me either]. I was on point with my employee skills. I arrived 30min early every day. Sat in the front, took notes. Worked on my labs. I didn't talk much because I've always been the quiet student, but I listened to everything. The other people in the training were from all over the world and they were SO SMART. They had so many questions and scenarios on how to use the product. A lot of what they said went over my head because I just didn't know it, but I loved it.

I miss working for people that I think are smart. That sounds mean to say but it's the damn truth. I miss aggressive people who can make decisions. I miss working with people who speak confidently when explaining something, because they know they know it. It is incredibly hard to work for people that you, quite frankly, have no respect for as an employer. Everyone in my department is a very nice person. But nice people don't necessarily make good managers or leaders. And they are horrible leaders. I'll admit that I don't like to be led. I like to sit down and get my work done, without having to do much follow up or take much direction. But I don't mind being led at all, as long as it's done by people that I want to lead. Be like. Emulate.

I don't want to emulate these folk. I want to be inspired. I want to learn. I have never been the person that talks just to talk, but when I do talk, I say something. I want my voice to be heard. My suggestions to be seriously considered. I want to be appreciated as an employee.

So that's where I am. I'm almost 29 years old and I can honestly say that I have never disliked a job as much as I dislike this one. Not even my 10 hour a day, 6am starting job in Rochester. Not child labor Baskin Robbins. Not Bloomies. Nada. Just this one.

I do realize I need to be grateful to have a job, and I am. But I feel like I'm getting stupider by the day, despite my ever increasing workload. I think I do good work but I wish I could do GREAT work. You may ask why don't I? Well because when you are managing about 9 projects alone, with no real support, it's hard to ensure superb quality. It becomes meet the release date, or be wonderful yet leave out a ton of work. And quite frankly, I get nothing to compensate for busting my ass to put out superb work. So why do it?

I've started updating my resume and will very soon start applying to new places. I got asked the other day if I have any emotional attachment to my job, and the answer is no. It saddens me more to think about leaving my project managers and screwing up their doc, than actually leaving my department. My project managers are awesome people but unfortunately, I don't work for them.

If I wasn't so anal, I would just quit with no job lined up but I don't want to then be jobless and lost.


Sigh. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I've lost control.

Ssooo...

1:21am and I'm up. WHAT A SHOCKER!!! My internal clock is beyond messed up. I find it almost impossible to go to bed before 1:30am on a work night. Not only that but I'm so whatever about my job now that I basically shrug whenever my alarm goes off, end up getting up close to 9, getting ready in half an hour, and at work 15 min late. I try to act like this is because I'm not a morning person [I'm not], but every other job I've had has started at 8/9am and I would be there on time. One job started at 6am [you read that right] and I made it by the 9min grace period EVERY DAY. So this blatant disrespect to clocks that I got going on is specific to this j-o-b.Horrible I know but when you have a job that doesn't really treat you the best, you make up for it in other ways.

Anywho...

I have about 4 things that I want to actually blog about but tonight will just be randoms:

• It's way too hot for May 30th. August scares me.
• Speaking of August, I think I want a low key birthday this year. Shocker #2 I know because my bday is the one time I act like a brat and shout ME ME ME! but just the thought of a big club/lounge thing exhausts me. Besides, I definitely want 30 to be big so I figure I should just take it easy on this one and go all out for that one. We'll see.
• I've been thinking a lot about my family lately because there's a lot going on, but one thing is for certain: despite anything, my family trumps anything and anyone. Blood is thicker than water and nothing can change that.
• I miss Chile. A lot. I wish I was a kid again and could take month long vacations there.
• Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial start of summer and it was lovely. I hope this is a prelude to the rest of the season.
• My friend in DR gave birth this weekend [on Dominican Mother's day actually] and I am SO happy for her. The baby is beautiful and I want to squish his little fat face!!! 
• The birth of this baby means that I will probably be in DR within the next few months. His Bronx auntie needs to go spoil him.
• Work tomorrow is going to blow due to a deadline of ... tomorrow.

Randoms

• I'm going away for memorial day weekend and am praying to every god, deity, and religious figurine that it's decently sunny and warm. please. if i wanted to chill in the rain i would have stayed in the bronx
• some people need to re-evaluate their friendships
• while others need to not flatter themselves.   :)
• i hung out with a friend yesterday who has a child and i developed a whole new respect for him as a father. that sh*t is not easy
• i know someone who is a salsa dancer but that's like all they do during their time off. i get it. it's your passion and you perform in shows but there is a really big world out there. maybe do something else once in a while? or maybe that's normal and my A.D.D ass is wrong because i get bored with things pretty quick
• faking support for someone because it's the right/nice thing to do when you actually think it's pretty silly is hard. sometimes i wish i had an expressionless mona lisa face
• my male coworker who literally 3/5 days a week tells me he has nothing to do and has been coming in almost an hour late every day makes $10k more than me. who runs the world? men.
• speaking of that...dear beyonce. you're beautiful, talented, and an awesome performer, but i can't stand you. you're an idiot. your songs are hollow. and you need to stop jacking lyrics/dances/styles and acting like you are super creative. you're not.
• i hate that i feel like i never have enough time to do things because i know it's bull. other people do it, why can't i? i have 85 things i want/need to do and somehow can't get one done. i need to change this.
• my roommate went balistic on the upstairs neighbors yesterday. i laughed but i kinda don't want to run into them. in her defense, their "kids" are like 10 and bigger than me and run around the house at all times of night. they are assholes.
• i want a burger. now.

new obsession

i have become totally obsessed with the paso doble ... watching it and the music. it's so sexy and amazing!!!

:: video ::

i'm tired...

• Of being tired. Not in life but today was just on another level. I was sleepy all day and fell asleep on the train. Last stop I remember seeing was 86th st. Opened one eye and looked around confused because I was cold and we were at 225th. Ok.
• Of the tornado in my life. I clean, I look back, I admire and feel all accomplished, and within 24 hours something gets messed up. When I have kids and a husband I'm going to have a panic attack I know it.
• Of people complaining about the weather. "It's spring, it's spring!" Yes it is but the weather isn't controlled by an on and off switch. Has the weather EVER completely changed on the exact day that the new season hits. No. In a few months it's going to be 98 out with 100% humidity. Let the rest of the cold do its thing.
• Of the Real World. This season looks like a movie.Cut the cord MTV,  just cut the cord.
• Of my orange room!!! I want to paint it blluuee. I just need to get swatches.
• Of people who don't physically take care of themselves and then complain about it. I fortunately don't suffer from any ailment where I have to watch what I eat so I can't even imagine how hard that is. But if you are under doctor's orders to avoid certain foods, which you then eat, and then you complain about how much pain you're in, I don't feel sorry for you at all. At.all.
• Of the fact that shoes always hurt me. :(
• Of this man not answering my email!!! Need to follow up next week.

101 things...

...and I want to do like 80 of them!

101 things to do in New York City in the spring

:: silently screaming ::

It's 2:06am and I'm up and I work tomorrow.

Why am I up...because I'm thinking about aaalllll the things I need to do. I'm at one of those points where I know I have things to do but have a hard time doing them because I forget or something else comes up that's more important at the moment.

Blah! What's worse is that this list has a very broad range. I'm thinking about my real work...followed by sorority work...followed by the gym. Thinking about the fact that I need to go grocery shopping, do laundry, and I want to buy a plant. I also want to buy some new clothes, change the band on a watch, and organize my dresser. I need to clean the bathroom, send some emails, and pay a bill... etc, etc, etc.

I'm also thinking about why I keep hearing the smoke alarm beep coming from the living room, but I sat there for about 20 minutes earlier and it NEVER beeped. I refuse to change the battery until I prove it's mine and not coming from another apartment.

I've come to realize that while I LOVE my phone, I need to buy some sort of small planner thingy. My phone is great in regards to reminding me of regularly scheduled things like, pay off my credit card statement for the month. Or reminding me that I have dinner with so and so on Tuesday. But creating a note or reminder for EVERY single thing I need to do [like look for curtains] just takes too long. I also haven't totally succumbed to technology; I pretty much have a visual memory and even in school, when it came to studying I would re-write all my notes. It's the only way I remembered.

So yeah, I have to buy a small planner thing. Fantastic, I just added ANOTHER thing I need to do.

[Sidenote, I watched that "when in Vegas" movie today with kutcher and cameron diaz, and I'm reminding myself of her now. "Did you just make a plan to make a plan?" Yup...that's totally me.]

things i did today

1. took the day off
2. still had to get up early...earlier than i do for work actually
3. took gma to the doc
4. had lunch with her
5. went to new rochelle with my dad
6. sat in a showroom for 3 hours
7. tried not to punch a a hyundai employee in the face
8. drove away in my brand new car, paid for in full, by me.
9. laughed hysterically as eric saw her for the first time and goes "ooooh i love her curves!"

adult purchase #1 - complete

now i have to name her.   :)

this is no good

facebook has a new game.

as in, where in the world is carmen sandiego game.

this is not good. she's dope. and that was my favorite game as a kid. i played it for hours and hours.

my days at work are clearly about to get less productive. damn you fb! you strike again

randomosity part deux

• i don't mind the snow or cold or ice, but i do mind these people not shoveling their sidewalks
• that automatic spray thing from glade or whatever scares the hell out of me
• people who bask in their divorce announcements on FB like they're telling everyone about a new car or something weird me out. don't be bitter but..ok?
• i sold my car. i am officially car-less for the first time in 10 years
• how do people with no jobs travel and constantly go out to eat and drink?
• i got a bill from my allergist for $30 for my copayment...except I paid that when I got there...2 months ago.

randomosity

• According to my Wii balance board, I've lost almost 3 lbs. It also no longer calls me overweight or goes "oh!" when I step on. Small victory for me.
• Working with people outside of the ones directly related to your job is hard.
• It's been in the 70s/80s all week in Miami. Doing a little dance to keep that up for next week!
• It's supposed to snow again.
• I've become the person at work that just nods, says yes, and gets my projects done in a timely manner. In return I get lovely emails telling me how easy I am to work with and how this opportunity will benefit me. If this is what I need to do to ensure peace and no one bugging me, I'll do it (the nod and say yes part. I always do my work regardless).
• I no longer hate the gym. I don't love it or even like it really, but the hate feeling doesn't come over me anymore.
• On that note, I can actually say "I'm going to the gym tomorrow" and mean it.
• My eyebrow threading lady makes me happy.
• I cannot wait until spring. Pretty spring, not rainy spring. I love the spring.
• My android phone is the best thing ever and I don't miss my BB for one minute.
• Buying a new car has been one of the most annoying experiences of my life. I started off being semi quiet and letting my dad do the talking, to butting in and calling salesmen out on their lies. I'm about to call it a day on the hyundai and go buy a Ford with my corporate discount. Assholes.
• I keep seeing "columbia" when they really mean "colombia", namely on Perez Hilton. Dude please learn how to spell. I don't care that you "blog really fast".
• FB has an option of knowing how to speak "spanglish" and it somewhat upsets me. That is not a language and you sound pretty ridiculous cuando tu talks asi because you no sabe how to hablar spanish properly. I understand not everyone is fluent in a language but state that you speak it "ok" or something. You also won't learn if you don't try, so find yourself someone to talk to and improve!
• I'm attempting to act like a dude and ignoring someone in hopes they'll get the pic and just leave me alone. It's not working.
• I didn't properly set a January challenge. Fail. Let's just say the gym was my challenge and so far, so good.  :)

the bblliiizzaarrdd

So NYC got its annual blizzard this past weekend...please note that I said annual. As in occurs yearly.

So NYC got its annual blizzard and, as always, everyone freaked the f*ck out.

:: side eye ::

Unless you're new to this city, you should know that we get hit with at least one blizzard every year. Why does everyone act surprised and cries and moans and can't go to work and omg the blizzard hit. If you have a car and don't own a shovel, that's your problem. If you live in a home and don't own a shovel, that's your problem too. If you don't own snow boots, you're an idiot. And if you don't have to drive or take a bus to work and you're complaining about plows, you're silly. The plows clean off the street, not the sidewalk. You can walk to the train. If you don't live on one of the subway lines that was directly impacted by the snow and suspended, you are not allowed to complain about the MTA either. Oh and if the sidewalks aren't shoveled, direct your anger and statuses written in caps to the owners of the sidewalk, not NYC. If you have a bodega, you have to clean the sidewalk in front of your store. If you are the super of a building, you have to clean the sidewalks lining the whole perimeter of the building, etc etc etc. If you fall and bust your ass in front of your building, don't blame NYC. Blame your lazy ass super [says the daughter of a super so I know what I'm talking about].

Do I hate snow, yes. 6 horrible upstate winters resulted in my not only hating it, but fearing it. But by fear I mean driving, not walking. Sunny is parked and chilling under whatever snow fell on him. I thankfully don't need to drive to work so that part of the blizzard doesn't concern me.

Did I sit and look out the window like holy shit, absolutely. The snow was definitely intense. But if you, as a resident of this city, are acting all shocked and in despair that this happened, I have to laugh at you and ask where have you been. Because it literally happens every.single.year. Yes I totally understand that some streets have yet to be plowed and I totally agree that that sucks ass. But unless you have to drive through that unplowed street, or your bus runs on that unplowed street, I need you to pause. Don't complain just because. Yes I know that some subway lines weren't working at all, but no the entire subway was not "not running" as I read somewhere. Plenty of lines were running, maybe slightly slower, but running nonetheless.

So, I guess I'm saying to you to get over it. It happens, all the time. Is it annoying yes, but this isn't some natural disaster that the city has never seen before and we don't know what to do [like that freaking tornado that hit in Sept]. It's snow. It falls, and as always, starts to melt the very next day. Just throw on your winter coat and boots and keep it moving. Or, as my lovely soror said, "Shovel it and shuffle on people!"

everything that is wrong with the world

"Lol my son played so much I always walked around with a dead phone so for Christmas Santa brought him the itouch. I know it's insane at 3" - in regards to Angry Birds

A baby does not need to own their OWN itouch. smh

randoms

• Today is a day I wish I had a man in my life because I desperately want a massage but I don't feel like going to pay for one lol
• I can't believe all of the hoopla surrounding the next royal wedding...but I'm sad because I was supposed to marry Prince William! Had a crush on him for years. Oh well. At least he's marrying a Katherine hehe
• I heard a rumor Sarah Palin had a reality show and I just saw a commercial for it. Is she serious?
• I'm on a clean-up-my-computer binge...deleting, renaming, copying over to the external. End of the year cleaning for  my macbook.
• I have officially, mentally checked out of my job. This is not good at all.
• The Deathly Hollows was amazing and worth getting home at 3:30am
• I've become delete-happy. Fb friends, phone numbers, files. If you're useless in my life, I delete you.
• Blogging everyday is really hard. 11 days to go.
• I'm slightly smitten with a mirage, but it's such a cute one I can't help it.

a challenge a day

In late september, my lovely friend LC and I decided that we wanted to embark on a monthly challenge. The point was simple..at the end of each month, we would choose what goal[s] we wished to accomplish for the next. These challenges vary in complexity and severity...they ranged from reading a book, to taking a daily pic, to not talking to someone [that was a fail btw].

We have no rules on how many challenges we take on, or what they should be about. We just pick things that we want to accomplish and tell each other, resulting in not only a support system to keep us on our toes, but a reminder of what it is we want to do, however big or small that may be.

Being the type A person that i am, for this month i have made a list of 5 challenges and given them their own category:

• love life
• extracurricular
• home
• personal
• career

I don't necessarily want to list specifics for each [but I got them down and have told LC them] but I will share one: personal

My personal challenge for this month of november is to write in my blog every.single.day. that's 30 entries. here we go.

i got homies

I very recently got into an argument with someone, and mid argument i get "you really do want a minion...you can only be happy worshiped."

um...what?

:: pause ::

First of all, fuck you.

Secondly, we [this person and I] simply just do not get along. I don't have many people that i can say that i honestly just DON'T like, but this one of them. I've tried to like them for like 6 months now and have failed. And no they are not a bad person in the absolute least. We just don't get along.

Needless to say, that comment pissed me off so much because it obviously isn't true. I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life. And i know that they think i am amazing as well. But do they think that because i'm perfect and they tell me every day that i am?

Absolutely not.

I am difficult to say the least. I am moody. I get defensive. I [more often than not] speak before i think, resulting in not really a rude comment, but just an abrasive one. I wear my emotions on my face. I have a hard time pretending to be happy when i'm really just annoyed. I'm very "whatever" about many things and so on and so forth.

I know all of these things about myself. And anyone that knows me knows them too. But they don't stick around because i have some super power to make them do so. This is not gossip girl..i am not the Queen B and people do not fear me. I have amazing friends because for every shortcoming that i have, i have 2 good things to make up for it and vice versa. Every single person i know has a negative or two [or 5 or 10]. But that's not the point. The point is that their good is so good that you just deal with whatever negative they have.

That's kinda, sorta, the point of friendship.

Jus sayin.

I am very quickly getting over self-righteous people. Stop talking about how fantastic you are and how not-so-fantastic everyone else around you is. Stop turning everything into a classic interview scenario, of lets take a negative and turn it into a positive. No one is perfect. No one is flawless. And you are not god.

So do not judge.

I know a ton of people...more than i can even count but according to facebook, it's about 1000. Out of those "1000", i'd say possibly 50 are people i can actually call friends. people that i can call, talk to, hang out with, etc. and out of those 50, i'd say maybe 10...MAYBE...are people that i can call my true friends. and those true friends, despite my page long list of negatives, are people that have always been there for me, have listened to me, and most importantly, have never, evvveeeerrrr judged me or any of my actions [at least not out loud]. those people know who they are. the people that i have called crying or to tell them about something "crazy" i did, and i've never been met with anything other than "omg tell me!" the people that i can tell 98% of things to without a second thought [there is no one that i tell 100% of things to, sorry].

to you i thank you. and i heart you.

so many things to write about

and i can't pick not one. so i cheated and found an "imagination prompter" online. just click a button and you get a random idea thrown at you. so on days that i feel like i NEED to write but have no idea what to write about...i shall be using that bad boy.

as if this thing needs to be even more random than it already is...oh well.

passions in life

What are you passionate about?



I've given this question so much thought because it seems to be asked often and for some reason, it always makes me hesitate. What are my passions?

:: crickets ::

I honestly don't know why it takes me a minute [or five] to collect my thoughts. I know what my passions AREN'T. I know that while I can appreciate art and I think it's beautiful, I pretty much have no artistic talent whatsoever [which honestly pisses me off because quite a few people in my family can draw/paint and I feel bamboozled for this gene skipping me].

Dancing? No. Cooking? No. Singing? Absolutely not.

I won't lie when I say that years ago, this question used to make me panic. I used to sit and wrack my brain and think to myself "My GOD cathy, you have NO PASSIONS in life. You suck."

In my quest to finally really figure out what my passions in life are, and in true me form, I looked it up:

"a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music."

Thank you dictionary.com for putting this in the simplest of terms.

I have narrowed my [main] passions down to four things:

• Music - Not because I can sing or play 10 instruments or have 20000 songs on my ipod, but because it makes me feel like nothing else can. Music can calm me down, make me cry, give me energy, and make me smile from a memory attached to it. It is relate-able, it is influential, and is so vast that there is no way that you can't find a song somewhere that makes you feel something. It is truly universal.
  
• Writing - Very few people know that I have always written in some way every since I was a kid. I always had a diary or some notebook that could be found with entries or poems scattered throughout. I stopped writing for a long time and 5 years ago I started my first blog and I've had one ever since. I love to blog and I don't care if anything I wrote about seems silly, trivial, or too personal. I write it for me. To remember. To capture my thoughts that I am bound to forget. I still cannot get to the point where I can post a poem to my blog though. Maybe one day.
• Travel - Nothing excites me like travel does. Nothing gets my adrenaline going and makes me as happy as the thought of going somewhere new, even if that means some town in CT. I love seeing new things. I love walking down a street that I've never been to before, eating the best local food, observing people in a new town. I love leaving NY and I love the fact that I, city girl and all, am truly aware of the fact that the city is NOT everything and that there is a beautiful world beyond it. I caught the "get me outta here bug" at a very early age and it has yet to leave me. I doubt it ever will.
• Technology - I have shaped my life around technology. I went to a tech school to learn how to design tech and then I went to another tech school to learn how to write about it. I work in a software company. I read tech blogs more than news sites. It is one of the only topics in the world that I have never lost interest in, has never bored me, and the only topic that I could justify going to college for.
  

You might be reading this and shaking your head like "this girl is an idiot" but I'm a virgo and I over think things...

:: kanye shrug ::

Now that I have accepted/come to terms with/identified my passions, I realize how they all make sense and how they have all been in my life since I was a child. I grew up listening to music every single day and all the music I knew was not the norm in the sense that yes, I knew and loved Madonna, but what went through my ears was more on the terms of the Beatles, Frank, and typical Andes, folkloric music.

Writing like I said, I've been doing since I was a kid. It was really the only way I could release since I'm an only child and all of my family is in Chile, I never really had that person that was always RIGHT there to talk to. Likewise, my entire family living on another continent got me traveling at the tender age of 5.

And technology...well, that is a love that I "blame" on my grandfather, a man that is intrigued by the way anything works, and used to sit me on his lap so that we could take apart, and put back together, a clock. Just for shits and giggles.

I guess I am normal after all. Lol