The Art of Being Vulnerable

Ah feelings. They suck. Ok they don't "suck" but they make shit complicated.

It's been...a year? Almost a year? 7 months? (Why do I not know the answer to this?) since I've started to see my yogi in an attempt to work on myself, be more open, more vulnerable, let people in, yada yada. I was prepared to talk, to question, to wonder, to examine. I was not prepared to cry the amount of tears that I have cried in the X amount of time that I have been seeing her.

Having feelings isn't the issue. I've always had them, despite what anyone may think. I have been an emotional person my entire life. I've always cried, I've always felt sad, felt scared, whatever. I was just always really good at hiding all of that behind my tough, I have everything under control exterior. I was always good at not crying in public, brushing things off, walking around like nothing phased me. And now? Now I bawl at commercials, at the sheer memory OF said commercial, and tear up when a boy doesn't text me back after a date (more on that in a minute).

But back to the feelings. Why are they so many? Everywhere? And they come out at the most random times?! My friend told me it's because this is all new to me, but I will learn how to control it at some point. I sure hope so because this teary eyed, sniffling, red face look isn't great. (One friend that I cried in front of DID tell me that at least I don't ugly cry. So that helps right? It's the little things.)

Now to the crying over a text (or a lack thereof) thing. Let me throw out the huge, and I hope obvious, disclaimer  and that is that no, I do not cry, nor have I EVER cried, because someone "did not text me back". No. I cry at the bigger picture. At the frustration of purposely working on myself to be more open, and meeting dead end after dead end. At the frustration of trying to put out what I want to get back in return (effort...kindness...interest) and not getting it. At the confusion of what is happening over and over, and why it's happening with the same results.

My yogi would say it's because the universe is teaching me a lesson but seriously universe, enough is enough. I get it. I am awesome, if someone walks away from me, it's not me and good riddance, I don't need no one, blah blah. I think the universe has me confused with another girl that looks like me, because my self worth was never the issue at hand. As an adult, I've never thought I was anything but beautiful, smart, nice, etc. Sure, I have my bad traits and I am fully aware of them, but they are not deal breaking traits. I'm a catch. And I'm trying. So why can't I meet a catch who wants to try with me? And what makes this entire process even more frustrating is that when I WAS more closed off, wall up, guard at full, I didn't go through this. So I swear I'm getting the opposite result by actually caring, which doesn't sit well with my logical brain.

But this is part of the process right? The beautiful process of being vulnerable and more importantly, being OK with being vulnerable? The process of learning about you and trying to work on whatever doesn't sit well with you? The part that is overwhelmed with confusion and doubt and questions and feelings and God knows what else. The part that goes from happy to sad to happy. The part that feels crazy exposed and wonders if I opened up too much or too little? Was I positive? Did I make a negative statement? Did I smile?

Sigh. This shit is exhausting. Working on being a better version of you is a lot of work, but I hear the reward is wonderful so...onward.

a moment of vulnerability

Dating is hard. Better yet, dating in NYC is hard. And my ego is slightly bruised.

There I said it.

The bruising is very superficial and on the surface; nothing serious, nothing deep, earth shattering, or life changing, but bruised nonetheless.

Maybe this dating thing is hard because I believe that, in essence, I have no idea how to date in the actual real world that is full of distractions. I always say that college dating is the fakest place to date. You meet a person and within a week you're sleeping over at each other's dorm every day, you study together, have lunch together, and basically spend every single day together without a care in the world [no? was that just my college dating experience?] It's just easy. Going to each other's home doesn't involve the subway and transfers. Nope, just walk your ass across campus.

Maybe I don't know how to date because [and before you read what I'm about to say, remember me and that I am really not a conceited person], I never really had to try very hard to get a guy. I came to the realization today that since the day I got my first kiss, at the tender age of 11 just a few weeks shy of 12, I always had a boyfriend [or an in-between someone] until my mid-20s. So for about 13 years straight, I always had someone around, in some way. Not only that, but at least in college, I always had the guy I wanted. "Hey he's cute..." would lead to somehow meeting them, followed by the first hanging out day, followed by the first kiss, and 2 weeks later we were in happy college relationship bliss.

Yeah, easy.

Enter the real world, where life tends to simply get in the way of life, and now let's try to add dating to the mix. By no way am I excusing my, or anyone's behavior for that matter. People will always figure out a way to do what they want, regardless of what they have going on, so any lack of motivation and interest is purely out of just that...lack of interest. But still, I would be lying if I didn't say that the annoyance and frustration at this no longer be as easy as it used to be being real.

Oh well. What can you do other than shrug and keep it moving right? I'm awesome and my life is awesome, so by no means is this destroying me. But I am ready and excited to meet someone just as awesome to be awesome with.  :)

Being childless

The topic of babies seems to come up a lot, at least for me. Maybe it's because I'm 28. Or Latina. Or a 28 year old Latina? I don't know, but the "do you have a kid" question gets thrown out just a little too much for my liking.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the following conversation:

Friend: you suck for not coming to chill

Me: well you told me mad late, next time let me know earlier

Friend: i have a two year old, duh

Me: i know, but i don't

Friend: good for you

I ended the conversation there, because what I wanted to say was "fuck yeah that's good for me".

Disclaimer: I totally, absolutely, want to have a family. I want a husband and 2-3 kids [with the eldest being a boy], a fabulous apartment/home, etc etc etc.

But not yet.

I am totally not ready for children. And when it comes to dating a man with children, not me not now [not ever really].

The reason? Because unless I grew that baby inside of me, I am so not ready to let a child impose on my life.

Some people get taken aback when they hear my views on this but I think they're either lying to themselves, or just not as mean as me.

But think about it. My dating a man with a kid means that I have to take into account this kid. Their schedule, their likes, their wants. If I want to see you at 6pm, but you can't because you have your kid and have to drop them off...my plans are messed up. If I want to go away for the weekend but you have your kid that weekend? My plans are messed up. And while I'm the type of person that thinks an ex should be an ex and somewhat out of the picture...you have some broad that is forever going to be in your life.

No thanks. Fact is I am far too selfish at this point in my life to deal with any of this. I can deal sharing with your family, friends, coworkers. But a kid that's not mine? Uh uh.

I know women that are happily in love with men with children. Yes they've had some struggles but it's worked out. God bless their souls because they are clearly stronger than I am.

the great white affair

Being a 28yr old, single woman in this city, it is no surprise that the topic of dating comes up in conversations. A lot. Such a conversation took place the other day and I was asked what was my dating preference, if i had one. My response, without even thinking about it, was "latinos". It's always been my response and I always get different reactions regarding it. Sometimes it's shock, sometimes it's confusion, sometimes it's clear understanding. Sometimes I get an eyebrow raise and someone asks if I date "white" guys and I shake my head no.

And this is where it all begins.

The gasp, the why, the "oh no's".

I usually just stand there and don't understand why it's such a big deal that I say that. I don't walk around saying I will never date a white guy, screw them [sidenote: I hate saying "white guy" because for all intents and purposes, I too am "white", skin tone wise but I think we all know that I mean by my reference], but they are not my preference. It kind of has to do with looks, but not really, because Lord knows that Latinos come in every shade of the rainbow.

It doesn't even really have to do with the fact that you may or may not be familiar with empanadas, that you may or may not know how to dance merengue, or you may or may not know how to speak Spanish. All of those things are fine and great, but they are also learned.

It really has to do with how you view my ethnicity, my culture, and my upbringing, and how you view me in spite of them. In college I wasn't Latina, I was Mexican. I spoke "Mexican" and my stating that I don't like spicy foods was met with wide eyes and an immediate "why not" because you know...all "Mexicans like spicy food".

I know that a lot of this can be attributed to being around a lack of diversity. Growing up in NYC, you fail to realize that you live in one of, if not the, most culturally diverse cities in the world, and it doesn't occur to you that the rest of the world isn't the same. So I get it.

I know that everyone doesn't know everything. But can you at least try to gain general knowledge of things? Learn the fact that [gasp!] countries DO exist in South America other than Ecuador, Colombia, and Brazil?

Or know that if I say we are doing a fundraiser for Chile [RIGHT after the earthquake hit], your response isn't "the chile bean? Why are you fund raising for that?"

I know enough to know that not all "white" people think that every Spanish speaking person is Mexican. Unfortunately, I've met too many that do. So there goes that part of how I am viewed in regards to being Latina.

Now let's add the fact that I am from the Bronx.

:: pause ::

A Latina from the Bronx? So clearly I am Puerto Rican! No. Kids? Absolutely not.

Yes I am Latina and yes I'm from the Bronx. For 20+ years I never thought this as a negative, until I remember the fact that not ONLY was I Latina, but I was ALSO from the Bronx, made me just a little "too" ghetto.

Umm...ok? Do I have my ghetto moments...sure why not. But why my ethnicity, in combination with my hometown, becomes a huge red X across my face is beyond me. Yes I am Latina and I live in the Bronx. I also [ahem] went to the Rochester Institute of Technology, got a B.S. in Electrical Engineering Technology with a minor in Communications, attended Polytechnic University and got a M.S in Technical Writing [by the age of 25], am fluent in Spanish, so-so in Italian, don't live at home, have a job and a car, a 401k, and a savings account. Exactly WHAT about that gets trumped by the fact that I am Latina...and from the Bronx?

The fact is that I don't have anything against white guys as a whole [how retarded would that be]? But I do have a problem with being stereotyped because of my ethnicity, and unfortunately, that's what I have personally encountered with them. I am "fiery" or "spicy" or "exotic" or "ghetto". I have black, curly hair, oh my how Latina of me. I get asked if I speak Spanish during sex [what?] or get told "hey mami ven aqui" as I walk by [that does nothing by the way].

I totally embrace my culture and ethnicity and I wouldn't change it FOR THE WORLD, but I don't like being treated like a notch on the belt of exotic women you bagged.

Maybe one day I'll meet a lovely white man who doesn't make me feel anything other than fabulous for being myself. But until then, I'll stick to my lovely Latino men, who simply see me as a woman and not a novelty item.