The Art of Being Vulnerable

Ah feelings. They suck. Ok they don't "suck" but they make shit complicated.

It's been...a year? Almost a year? 7 months? (Why do I not know the answer to this?) since I've started to see my yogi in an attempt to work on myself, be more open, more vulnerable, let people in, yada yada. I was prepared to talk, to question, to wonder, to examine. I was not prepared to cry the amount of tears that I have cried in the X amount of time that I have been seeing her.

Having feelings isn't the issue. I've always had them, despite what anyone may think. I have been an emotional person my entire life. I've always cried, I've always felt sad, felt scared, whatever. I was just always really good at hiding all of that behind my tough, I have everything under control exterior. I was always good at not crying in public, brushing things off, walking around like nothing phased me. And now? Now I bawl at commercials, at the sheer memory OF said commercial, and tear up when a boy doesn't text me back after a date (more on that in a minute).

But back to the feelings. Why are they so many? Everywhere? And they come out at the most random times?! My friend told me it's because this is all new to me, but I will learn how to control it at some point. I sure hope so because this teary eyed, sniffling, red face look isn't great. (One friend that I cried in front of DID tell me that at least I don't ugly cry. So that helps right? It's the little things.)

Now to the crying over a text (or a lack thereof) thing. Let me throw out the huge, and I hope obvious, disclaimer  and that is that no, I do not cry, nor have I EVER cried, because someone "did not text me back". No. I cry at the bigger picture. At the frustration of purposely working on myself to be more open, and meeting dead end after dead end. At the frustration of trying to put out what I want to get back in return (effort...kindness...interest) and not getting it. At the confusion of what is happening over and over, and why it's happening with the same results.

My yogi would say it's because the universe is teaching me a lesson but seriously universe, enough is enough. I get it. I am awesome, if someone walks away from me, it's not me and good riddance, I don't need no one, blah blah. I think the universe has me confused with another girl that looks like me, because my self worth was never the issue at hand. As an adult, I've never thought I was anything but beautiful, smart, nice, etc. Sure, I have my bad traits and I am fully aware of them, but they are not deal breaking traits. I'm a catch. And I'm trying. So why can't I meet a catch who wants to try with me? And what makes this entire process even more frustrating is that when I WAS more closed off, wall up, guard at full, I didn't go through this. So I swear I'm getting the opposite result by actually caring, which doesn't sit well with my logical brain.

But this is part of the process right? The beautiful process of being vulnerable and more importantly, being OK with being vulnerable? The process of learning about you and trying to work on whatever doesn't sit well with you? The part that is overwhelmed with confusion and doubt and questions and feelings and God knows what else. The part that goes from happy to sad to happy. The part that feels crazy exposed and wonders if I opened up too much or too little? Was I positive? Did I make a negative statement? Did I smile?

Sigh. This shit is exhausting. Working on being a better version of you is a lot of work, but I hear the reward is wonderful so...onward.

July 23, 2012..

I don't even know when was the last time I cried...bawled...over her death but tonight was the night that it hit me again. I have no idea why. It's not like I don't think about her at least once every single day. But today it just sucker punched me and here I am, at almost 1:30am, typing senseless crap away with tears running down my face.

It's been almost a year later since I made that phone call and I still.can't.believe.it. Is that normal? I have visited her grave countless times, have run my fingers over her name and I still "can't believe" that this happened.

I feel like her death broke me. Like it left this black hole in me that I was either ignoring or just not understanding. I feel like instead of moving forward with this, live with no regrets mantra that tends to sprout out of someone when they have a life changing event, I've become more fearful than ever. The morbid thoughts of what if this happens to this person or me or her or him just flood my head every.single.fucking.day. Because the same way I lost her while she went out to do something so innocent as go to a concert at a fair, is the same way some other crap can happen. Because whether by the hand of God, or the trigger finger of a maniac, your life can change in a split second. 

I hate that I feel this way and I hate how I've been feeling lately. I'm moody and sad and angry. But most of all I am so fearful and doubtful. I am. I used to be so...if I say I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. I did that all through my school years; whether it was stating firmly that I was going to attend RIT no matter what, or throwing a banquet for the student org I was president of, I said it and got it done. And now I just sit here in fear and doubt and don't do ANYTHING. Because the fucked up, scared, pathetic side of me thinks that I can just lose it so quickly, so why even bother.

Isn't that so sad? I want this life and this career and love and feeling of happiness and hope, knowing that my life is going so wonderfully. And I am scared shitless to throw myself out there and do it. Because she had that and she lost everything. 

She had it all. She did. She was successful and smart and beautiful and was getting ready for grad school and was engaged and had her pugs and she had her entire life ahead of her. She had made her deposit for her September wedding at the beach. She was so happy. And then there was nothing. And that feeling, that thought...haunts me. And I know if she was here she would yell at me and then shake me and tell me to get over it. But for now that feeling is just right there.

I'm sad. I am. Over her of course, but in general as well. I don't think I can remember the last time I felt truly happy. I know I have a great life and I am always thankful for everything I have. But I know I'm settling out of pure fear and that gets deep down into my soul and makes me feel so heavy. I see people around me moving forward and falling in love and getting new jobs and I just want to scream how much I want that, but then that secret feeling that I wasn't even aware I had, that fear of losing everything just kicks in. 

Le sigh.

hot mess of america

That's the best way to describe me right now. How I'm feeling. I feel like a huge, gigantic mess. The other day I made a list, divided into 3 categories, of things I need to do. Cut my hair, look up airfare, throw away old makeup, get a recycle bin. The list was absolutely all over the place, but the two main to-do items that I believe are the main things contributing to my messy state are:

1. Update resume
2. Apply to jobs

I have finally admitted to myself that I hate my job. Not dislike. Not deem it as less than desirable.

No, I hate it.

I could go on and on about what has made me come to this conclusion, but I won't bore anyone with that. Just know that every morning I wake up with a feeling of disdain. The thought of once again, going downtown to sit 8 hours at that desk with those people, hurts my tummy. I like *what* I do...my problem is who I do it for. Specifically, the department I do it for.

Last week I had to attend a 3 day training on a product I've already had for 3 years because I had never been trained in it before [if that doesn't make sense to you, don't worry, it didn't to me either]. I was on point with my employee skills. I arrived 30min early every day. Sat in the front, took notes. Worked on my labs. I didn't talk much because I've always been the quiet student, but I listened to everything. The other people in the training were from all over the world and they were SO SMART. They had so many questions and scenarios on how to use the product. A lot of what they said went over my head because I just didn't know it, but I loved it.

I miss working for people that I think are smart. That sounds mean to say but it's the damn truth. I miss aggressive people who can make decisions. I miss working with people who speak confidently when explaining something, because they know they know it. It is incredibly hard to work for people that you, quite frankly, have no respect for as an employer. Everyone in my department is a very nice person. But nice people don't necessarily make good managers or leaders. And they are horrible leaders. I'll admit that I don't like to be led. I like to sit down and get my work done, without having to do much follow up or take much direction. But I don't mind being led at all, as long as it's done by people that I want to lead. Be like. Emulate.

I don't want to emulate these folk. I want to be inspired. I want to learn. I have never been the person that talks just to talk, but when I do talk, I say something. I want my voice to be heard. My suggestions to be seriously considered. I want to be appreciated as an employee.

So that's where I am. I'm almost 29 years old and I can honestly say that I have never disliked a job as much as I dislike this one. Not even my 10 hour a day, 6am starting job in Rochester. Not child labor Baskin Robbins. Not Bloomies. Nada. Just this one.

I do realize I need to be grateful to have a job, and I am. But I feel like I'm getting stupider by the day, despite my ever increasing workload. I think I do good work but I wish I could do GREAT work. You may ask why don't I? Well because when you are managing about 9 projects alone, with no real support, it's hard to ensure superb quality. It becomes meet the release date, or be wonderful yet leave out a ton of work. And quite frankly, I get nothing to compensate for busting my ass to put out superb work. So why do it?

I've started updating my resume and will very soon start applying to new places. I got asked the other day if I have any emotional attachment to my job, and the answer is no. It saddens me more to think about leaving my project managers and screwing up their doc, than actually leaving my department. My project managers are awesome people but unfortunately, I don't work for them.

If I wasn't so anal, I would just quit with no job lined up but I don't want to then be jobless and lost.


Sigh. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I've lost control.

wanting what you can't have

I was going to blog about something different but due to recent events, I changed my mind. Maybe I'll blog my original idea tomorrow.

As random as my blog is, I try not to write too much about specific men issues that I may be going through at the moment. I tend to keep those more private, but every now and then I break and go for it.

Everyone always talks about wanting what you can't have...the thrill of the chase, the mystery, the excitement. I don't think there has ever been a truer statement.

For 28 years I have watched my friends go after people that don't want them back. And for 28 years, I have seen the same in me. [Note: by no means am I saying that every single person has been a chase, for my friends or I. But yes, it's happened.]

I have watched us cry, get upset, get stressed, mope around, and wonder. And every single time it happens, I wonder why the hell do people do this? Yeah yeah men are hunters by nature and they like things that are hard to get and blaze blah, but really, why?

I can't speak for men but I have a solid belief that women do this because they want to go down as the one that got him to change. The one that got the player to settle, the commitment phobe to propose, the boy to grow up. Our challenge isn't really to physically "get" the man; it's to emotionally make him the man of our dreams.

Think about it. Girl gets boy. Girl is happy with boy. Girl starts becoming unhappy with boy. Fast forward months/years and girl is STILL unhappy with boy. Why? Because she can't get someone else? No. Because she loves him? Yes but not the sole reason. No, it's because she believes that he loves her so much and she is so amazing that he will change for her. And ladies and gentlemen, that practically never happens.

Yes the initial chase is fun and healthy. I'm not a fan of jumping head first into a relationship to begin with, so I can appreciate the beginning stages of coming and going, giving and pulling back. But sometimes it gets out of hand and goes too far. Sometimes you have just had enough.

That rant was kind of just the back story to what I'm going through. I have something to say to someone that may or may not read this, but whatever. Here goes:

Dear Boy,


Once upon a time, I saw you. You saw me. I smiled, we spoke. The next day we had coffee, which turned into seeing some Apples, which resulted into lots of texts on some Berries and ended with...us. All in a week. I wanted you, and I got you. You wanted me, and you got me. We laughed, we smiled, we had silly songs. The 1/A/F became familiar, the place I just wrote a song for became not so far anymore, and our candy red haven was a long elevator ride away. Everything was bliss. And then one day, boy, you declared how much you wanted me. And as quickly as that came, it went. Chase over, hunt gone, you caught me and decided I wasn't worth it. And you left. It hurt, of course, but things happen, people grow, and life goes on.

And because things are the way they are, you came back. Boy saw girl. Girl saw boy. We met up at that place that was right in the middle of our jobs, but still slightly closer to mine. You tried to make it the same, but it wasn't anymore. You may not believe me but I did try. But the fact is, boy, that no matter what you said or did, that memory will never leave me. The fact that once upon a time, you saw me and I saw you. That I smiled and we spoke. That coffee led to Apple and the Berries and...us. And that after everything, when you had me.

You let me go.

And while I appreciate it and care about you, I refuse to be caught again by you, because I don't think you will keep me. And I want someone who will.

I'm sorry.

Love always...

Girl

there's no crying at work

And by crying I mean emotion.

I've had a few different jobs that have ranged from serving ice cream, to working in a library, to conducting research and development on remote visual inspection equipment. Despite the obvious difference in work environment that these jobs have all offered me, they have all had in common the fact that the workplace is no place for emotion.

Don't get me wrong, I have almost cried at work. Like when a customer at Bloomingdale's cursed me out because I wouldn't honor her [invalid] coupon, and when a manager came to handle the situation, she just gave the customer what she wanted and went against store policy [and I basically fought for nothing].

Or when my first really big project at my current job was nearing its deadline and I was barely 75% done with it and couldn't fathom how or when I was ever going to finish. Yeah, I managed to get a tear or two come to my eye for those.

But emotional outpours say in emails? No. Never.

Words like "uncomfortable" and "disappointed" should not be in any email regarding how I made you "feel". Unless I cursed you out or harassed you [neither of which I have ever done], why are we sending feeling emails. Especially feeling emails that are coming hours after you let some emotion fester.

Work is work and it does not get completed at my job because of emotions. Do you think any of my PMs give two craps if I feel disappointed with the software? No. Does it work, yes or no? Is it documented, yes or no? ie did I do my job? Yes. Or. No?

:: sigh ::

These sudden experiences at work have let me to a new realization though. And that is the the whole festering thing. The first time this happened, I went to see my coworker and simply said, "That is such a GIRL thing to do! You contacted me and gave me an option, I didn't take it, and hours later you contacted me to tell me that you had expected me to do it anyway. Why wasn't that just said upfront?!"

His response was a simple laugh followed by "Welcome to our life as men. You give us an option when in reality you want us to do it, and instead of saying that you get all upset if we don't".

WELL THEN!

Now that I am on the receiving end of this horribly classic female stereotype, I have seen how not cool it is, and to men everywhere I say I'M SORRY! How completely annoying.

Although, I will say that while this behavior is annoying regardless of the situation, at least in an emotional relationship it's an emotional relationship. There are so many other things that go into being with someone. 

But work? Sorry but work to me still remains a place where your emotions should be checked at the door.

BFF 4 Eva

In the process of getting to know someone once, I asked them to tell me about their best friend. Their reply: "I don't believe in that".

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, of course I asked why. Of course it was some long answer about what I don't even remember. But still, I was in awe. How could that possibly be? Not even ONE person?

I remember as a kid I never felt like I had a best friend. Actually tell a lie, I DID think I had one, until someone asked her who her best friend was and she said Rosemarie. In front of my face. Just like that. It was like my first heartbreak lol.

But I digress. 

For years I had no one that I could literally consider my best friend until my junior year of high school where, in the land of pasta and gods [ie the Italy/Greece HS trip], this spunky, curly haired chick by the name of Christina stepped into my life. 

And for the first time I knew what "best friends" were all about. We were always together, always laughing, always passing notes. We would get home, have dinner, and then call each other for 3 more hours as our parents looked at us totally exasperated and wondering wtf we could possibly STILL be talking about.

Through her I met "Little C", who quickly became best friend #2 in HS, and over the years best friend #1 in life. A decade later and we still act pretty much the same way we did in high school [I have yet to figure out if that's good or bad lol].

Suddenly, after 17 years of having no best friend, I had two. I learned that a best friend did not have to be ONE person. I think that was always my problem with the term...how do you possibly just have one single person that you hold to that regard. Maybe I just got lucky with the types of people that were in my life, but it was just hard for me to understand.

I went off to college with two wonderful best friends but they were far. One closer than the other but far nonetheless. Enter best friend #3. I technically met Tasha our senior year of high school but didn't really start talking until freshman year of college. For me to say she was my savior in that school would be an understatement, but it's the best way to describe what she meant to me. She was always the person I fell on, through the good or the bad. We were both from the Bronx and we "got" each other. I went through everything in college with her, and I promise that was a lot.

Totally thinking I was maxed out on this best friend business, imagine my surprise when my 5th year of college, this skinny peanut headed boy walked into my apartment and became best guy friend #1. The early stages of our friendship were reminiscent of a love story, minus the love because we were pretty much friends right off the bat. He lived in the city and I was upstate still so everything revolved around the phone. Hours of it. I can literally say that we spoke on the phone every.single.day. We quickly developed a no-holding-back mentality. The stories we shared delved into everything, regardless of how embarassing, personal, or crazy they were. Despite all of this we never judged each other. Ever. [The one time he ever judged my actions was a few years ago and turns out he was totally right in his thinking...should listen to that kid more often lol].

So there they are...my best friends. I actually feel like I have more and could keep going but I think I'd be here for another 20 paragraphs. There are people not on this list who I don't call my best friend but they are sure enough up there on the friendship ladder. It's crazy for me to think that I have such amazing people in my life but I do. I can't say this enough but those 4 people I specifically listed have almost never judged me, and on the odd time they did, they were right. 

Of course our friendships aren't the same as they were when they began. Life gets in the way. We are no longer 18. People move, fall in love, get engaged, have babies. I wish I could sit on the phone with them for hours every day but let's get serious, that's not going to happen. And that's ok. Because these people are the type that I can not talk to for days, or see for a few years, but when we do it's like nothing changed. We get each other so well and love each other so much that we just fall right back into tune, an endless song that never misses a beat.

My dear best friends, I love you more than I will ever be able to express.

i got homies

I very recently got into an argument with someone, and mid argument i get "you really do want a minion...you can only be happy worshiped."

um...what?

:: pause ::

First of all, fuck you.

Secondly, we [this person and I] simply just do not get along. I don't have many people that i can say that i honestly just DON'T like, but this one of them. I've tried to like them for like 6 months now and have failed. And no they are not a bad person in the absolute least. We just don't get along.

Needless to say, that comment pissed me off so much because it obviously isn't true. I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life. And i know that they think i am amazing as well. But do they think that because i'm perfect and they tell me every day that i am?

Absolutely not.

I am difficult to say the least. I am moody. I get defensive. I [more often than not] speak before i think, resulting in not really a rude comment, but just an abrasive one. I wear my emotions on my face. I have a hard time pretending to be happy when i'm really just annoyed. I'm very "whatever" about many things and so on and so forth.

I know all of these things about myself. And anyone that knows me knows them too. But they don't stick around because i have some super power to make them do so. This is not gossip girl..i am not the Queen B and people do not fear me. I have amazing friends because for every shortcoming that i have, i have 2 good things to make up for it and vice versa. Every single person i know has a negative or two [or 5 or 10]. But that's not the point. The point is that their good is so good that you just deal with whatever negative they have.

That's kinda, sorta, the point of friendship.

Jus sayin.

I am very quickly getting over self-righteous people. Stop talking about how fantastic you are and how not-so-fantastic everyone else around you is. Stop turning everything into a classic interview scenario, of lets take a negative and turn it into a positive. No one is perfect. No one is flawless. And you are not god.

So do not judge.

I know a ton of people...more than i can even count but according to facebook, it's about 1000. Out of those "1000", i'd say possibly 50 are people i can actually call friends. people that i can call, talk to, hang out with, etc. and out of those 50, i'd say maybe 10...MAYBE...are people that i can call my true friends. and those true friends, despite my page long list of negatives, are people that have always been there for me, have listened to me, and most importantly, have never, evvveeeerrrr judged me or any of my actions [at least not out loud]. those people know who they are. the people that i have called crying or to tell them about something "crazy" i did, and i've never been met with anything other than "omg tell me!" the people that i can tell 98% of things to without a second thought [there is no one that i tell 100% of things to, sorry].

to you i thank you. and i heart you.

i feel so weird

i've been trying to understand this feeling that i've been having lately. this random feeling that i couldn't explain. i knew it was there...i felt it, emotionally and physically...but what it was exactly was totally inexplicable to me.

fast forward to this exact moment...where i'm sitting in bed, in a robe, tv on, messing around on the internet. and it suddenly hit me...i'm calm.

don't get me wrong...things that are stressful and hectic are still there. my job is still a never ending cycle, people are still rude, my car is still on the semi-sick list, my room is still a mess [i need to donate clothes badly]. but i feel fine. i'm not stressed. not angry, not annoyed...ok i'm a little sleepy but i am in essence a sleepyhead so whatever. but i feel *fine*.

i'm both happy and sad about this...happy that i suddenly find myself in a place where no, life isn't perfect, and yes, i do want more, but i'm totally ok with what i have and what is going on, regardless of the less than "perfect" state it may be in. sad that this feeling is so unbeknown to me that it's totally caught me off guard and i had no idea what it was.

:: sigh ::

i'm craving nature right now. real nature. the sound of a wave crashing without beach chatter, the ability to look up at at a night sky and see stars easily without squinting through the light of a street lamp, taking a walk outside and hearing a cricket and nothing else.

i miss that peaceful silence that is almost impossible to find in the city that never sleeps, where the streets may be empty but the peaceful quiet and darkness is always going to be interrupted by a garbage truck on the night shift or a tall building that i'm way too short to see past.

this is when i miss upstate.

just a friend

if you know me at all, you know that i have the following dating rule: i don't date friends. i never thought this was that big of a deal but i've gotten gasps and people looking at me like i'm crazy when i've said it. i get questions and comments thrown at me like why don't i, why don't i want to take the chance, i don't know what i'm missing.

...zzz...

first of all, to those people i say shut up and have a nice day.

secondly, one big reason why i don't date friends is because if you have established yourself in my life as my friend, there is a 95% chance that i am not physically attracted to you. trust me. i am not hoarding sexual feelings for you. i am not "too afraid" to try to be with you. i just don't want to sleep with you. don't get me wrong; there are guys in my life who are friends [even great friends] of mine who i think are very attractive people. and if, when i met them, i felt that click of attraction, i can guarantee you that i've at least made out with some of them at some point [just being honest]. but other than that, while i can honestly look at you and say "yes you're an attractive person", i am not attracted to you. that window has closed and is boarded up.

and third...the main reason why i am so against dating a friend is because i've done it. because after years of what i thought was a great friendship, i had a situation where i finally just put the wall down and admitted that i wanted to be with them. and after years of hearing how much they wanted to be with me, it just made sense that it would finally happen. that this person that knew me inside and out, knew my parents and my friends, stood by me through so many things, would be "the one". and he wasn't. this person that i loved, that i was IN love with, and that loved me and had me on a pedestal, broke my heart. and not in the way of saying they didn't want to be with me. no they broke it in utter betrayal. they took an instance in my life and threw it back at me while my back was turned [but because the world works in funny ways i found out anyway]. their true colors came out and punched me in the face and i felt so stupid and sad and broken. this one person that i always felt safe with, physically and emotionally, became the very thing he spent years trying to protect me from.

to say that this was a catastrophic event would be an understatement. you see, i'm the type that when i break up with someone, i just kind of push them out of my life, at least for a while. i need the time to get over it and be able to not want to talk to you. but how do you do that when the person that did it was one of the people you always ran to to begin with? this wasn't me losing yet another man, this was losing my FRIEND. one of my best friends to be honest. as cliche as this is, the person who wiped my tears for years was now the person that had me standing in target bawling on the phone with them, while my now best guy friend tried to make me stop crying.

so there you have it. i'm not the type of person that says they don't do something "just because". i always have a reason and this is mine. i've never written about it and i barely talk about it, because in true form, i just shrug it off like i'm ok and nothing happened. but the fact is that i miss my friend, i do. we were there for each other for 6 years and in a matter of 5 min, it was all lost. i forgive but i can't forget, and the fact is that i simply don't trust him anymore. we speak occasionally and every conversation is so generic, like 2 strangers forcing themselves to ask how the other is doing, how are our families, how's work. i hate it but i barely trust him with my words anymore, let alone my heart.

and i refuse to go through that again.

once upon a time i had a friend

we shall call her A.

A and i were friends since early childhood; my dad worked in her building and we were the same age and only children, so we got along pretty well. she was the first person other than my cousin that slept over my house, and i was allowed to sleep over at hers. on the days that the sleep over was at her place, i would go to work with my dad early saturday morning and hang out in the office until it was "late" enough for me to go to her house (can't really go knocking on someone's door at 7am on a saturday).

a few years later, my dad got promoted and we moved into A's building ... i was ecstatic to have someone that i was so close to nearby ... all i had to do was go up a flight up steps and there she was. our random sleep overs turned into us being together almost every day, always at each others house, always outside together.

now in our very early teenage years, we saw each other through things that normal teens go through: insecurities, awkwardness, fights with parents and inevitably, boys. at age 14 i had my first "real" boyfriend. the one that i "loved" and (unfortunately) went through way too many things with considering how young i was. my relationship with him was hard ... he was jealous and crazy possessive and as a result of it, my friendship with A started suffering because he always wanted me with him and would argue with me if I wanted to spend time with her. Reading this now it's hard to imagine me putting up with that nonsense but remember ... i was 14 years old, super young, "in love" and nowhere near as outspoken as I am now.

One day i woke up and A was gone from my life and i had no idea why. It hurt but I didn't know what to do so i left her alone. A couple of years later she contacted me and asked if we could talk. I agreed and went to the apartment that I spent so much time in, that room that i knew as well as my own, and I felt like such an incredible stranger. While I listened to her i was dying to just get out ... nothing felt the same anymore. I found out why i had lost her ... because of that boy and because her mother had told her i was a bad example for her (really?). And instead of remorse i felt angry that someone that i had known for about 10 years could just leave me without talking to me first. How could she walk away from the one person that had never betrayed her? As wonderful as she was, she unfortunately went through so many of the hard teenage issues that you see now. At age 13 i saw a long red mark across her throat and found out she had run a piece of broken plastic across it. I cursed her out. Around the same years, she developed a horrible self esteem issue and stopped eating. She would "eat in her room" and hide the food under her bed or throw it out the window. I never knew if she became bulimic, but she was definitely anorexic.

What's sad is that her mother, who was a nurse, turned a blind eye to it. Everyone saw the circles under her eyes and her thinning body, except mommy dearest. I guess it's true that when it's happening under your own nose, you just overlook it. By no means am i a saint but i was there. I refused to hang out with her until she ate something in front of me ... an apple, a yogurt, a piece of bread. Anything.

Needless to say our friendship was over. This happened about 10 years ago .. fast forward to 2010 and A just had a baby girl. I knew she was pregnant, as my dad still talks to her, but I hadn't realized how far along she was. The crazy thing is that sometime within the last 2 weeks, I had a dream with her and in that dream she was pregnant and i told her that i knew we didn't speak anymore, but i still loved her and if she needed anything during her pregnancy, i would do it. If she needed a ride to the hospital, i would take her, if she had a craving i would get it for her. whatever she needed.

And then randomly i found out she had had the baby and i wondered if that sort of ... telepathy? ... could still exist with someone that you lost a decade ago. it kinda blew me away and as i told my dad my dream all he could say was "that's nice" while looking at me.

i just shrugged.

yeah that would be nice but she's not there. and i can honestly say that while i don't give two craps about all the other people that just woke up one day and decided i no longer held a place in their life, she is the only one that has ever hurt me by doing that.

maybe since a part of her and her presence seems to still be inside me, a part of me is still inside her ... and if that's the case ...

"my dear A:

i've never told you but i miss you and hate the fact that the 2nd half of my life so far has been without you. i forgive anything and everything you did to me so many years ago and i hope that you forgive me too. congratulations on your daughter; i hope that she is able to have the life that you never had, but has the childlike qualities that made you so great. i hope she watches the honeymooners under a blanket in the dark, has a love of astronomy, and has a friend to build forts with. At the same time, I hope she never forgets that she is beautiful as she is. May she have all of your strengths as well as the strength to overcome the weaknesses you had. I hope you can be the type of mother that you never had but always wanted and most of all, i hope she is truly *angelic*.

love always ... me"

oh confusion

i want to write but i don't know what to write. i was doing ok until something happened that required me to push me to the side. the fact of the matter is that as emotional as i am, i don't know how to deal with emotions other than happiness. i don't know how to deal with hurt or confusion or sadness or longing, so i run. when the issues have to do with only me, i physically run away from the world and retreat to my room, my haven, so that i can sit with those feelings alone. but when those emotions can be encompassed within another person, i just run away from them. maybe that's childish of me but it's the only way i know how to deal and i've done it my whole life. no person means no emotions. the fact of the matter is that my theory back there is complete and utter bullshit. as if physically distancing yourself from someone makes you forget they were ever there. i mean really. the really f*cking sad thing is that i don't know what i want and THAT is what's f*cking me over. do i want to be with them. do you know how many times i've been asked that, before, during, and after. and my answer is honestly, i don't know. it's not a cop out i don't know. it's a legitimate "i don't know!!!" as crazy as it sounds i wish i could figure it out. i doubt anything would change other than the fact that i would now be clear with what i want [or don't want]. what i DO know that i want though is normalcy. the last few days have been semi normal [or as normal as we're allowing ourselves to be] and it's been nice but it's still not normal. not the normal that existed, that i know can be reached. i just want it to be normal. but then i think about it and wonder if it ever really was normal. in our secluded little bubble it was. fuck normal, it was amazing is what it was. but truely normal? :: shrug :: it was probably the fakest normalcy i'll ever see. fake because in the confines of our personal space, wherever that happened to be at the moment, it was perfect. but the minute one or the other stepped out, broke that invisible barrier, the harshness of the real world slapped us in the face. sometimes i wonder if that amazingness was because of the circumstances, or because it just was. did that make sense? at rit i always used to laugh at the fact that it was widely known that the scale for rating women there was COMPLETELY different than that of the real world. rit was filled with "geeks" and "nerds" and "social outcasts". it is a true tech school and let's face it, up until a few years ago, technology was not really a field women went into. therefore the amount, and caliber, of the women in the school was very limited, and the rating system was on a crazy curve. the sexy hot girl in rit would probably just be looked at as normal [if that] in the real world when put up against ... well the world. so back to me .. was it amazing because of the circumstance, the confinement, or was it amazing just because that's how it is. if put out in the real world, up against all the real issues people face, would it still hold and be what it was? a part of me wishes that answer is no, simply because if that is what is real ... that level of comfort, of talking, of intimacy, of laughter ... then it just f*cking sucks. i can't even strive for the normalcy before it began because the fact is that we were always full of flirtation and giggles and hours of conversation. it's been 3 months since the "fake normalcy" faded into blatant reality. 3!!! the time apart is going by as fast as the time together went. will everything be ok, yes it will but the time it's taking to get there sucks.

...my rant is over. if it made no sense, that's fine. i didn't really think much, just sat down and typed.

...

and on an absolutely total random note, we had our dept holiday party today and it was absolute comedy.

monotony

Main Entry: mo·not·o·ny
Pronunciation: \mə-ˈnä-tə-nē, -ˈnät-nē\

Function: noun

Date: 1706

1 : tedious sameness

...

that's exactly how i feel. not complaining about anything; my life is great. but it's the same thing every day ... same hair, same clothes, same phone, same trip to work, same job, same places to eat, same home furnishings ... etc, etc, etc.

it's just ... feeling like i'm stuck in a rut. with everything.

"Beware of monotony; it's the mother of all deadly sins."
-Edith Wharton-

[isn't that the truth]

A letter to my younger self ...

Perez Hilton recently posted a letter to his younger self on his blog, followed by my best friend posting one on hers [and making me cry in the process lol]. I shall be a copy cat and do the same because I think it’s dope:

Dear Younger Me,

• You will never belong to just one clique … ever. It didn’t happen in elementary school or high school and will definitely not happen in college. You will meet the most amazing people in various different places so enjoy.

• Your decision to go to college 400 miles away from home will be one of the best decisions you make in your life, as well as one of the hardest. You will be lonely and miserable at times, which will result in rivers of tears, migraines, and loss of weight but it will be all worth it, I promise.

• You will be known as the mean girl as you grow up. And by “mean” I don’t mean vicious or cruel. I mean the short tempered blunt girl who never means to say mean things, they just come out cold sometimes. You will forever work at bettering this and will probably fail miserably. Don’t stress out so much about it. Your true friends will understand.

• Your quiet demeanor will continue but it will oddly work for you. Your social network will go from 50 to 1000+ by the time you’re in your late 20’s. Thankfully you will clearly know the difference between friends and associates and will never really confuse one for the other.

• You will continue to be that person that gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. You are not naïve, you just don’t believe that everyone is evil or that mistakes can’t be learned from. Unfortunately, you will be hurt countless times by this but that’s ok. What’s worse: being a pessimist who believes the worst in people, or being hopeful that people can be good?

• Despite your cold exterior, you will fall a few times and fall hard and for people you least expected to fall for. You will cry and be sad and wonder. Don’t feel ashamed to do so. Everyone comes in to your life for a reason and what is meant to be will be, even if it takes a while for all of it to make sense.

• It’s ok to truly miss someone, regardless of the circumstances behind your story. It really is.

• Try to watch your temper and what you say and how you say it. It will cost you at least one friend or two.

• You will be met with a lot of “really’s?” due to what people see you as and what you really are. The girly girl who is a techie, the quiet chick that’s in a sorority, the “Puerto Rican” who’s really Chilean. Just smile and say yup.

• You will never successfully fill the void of growing up with no family around. Your friends are your heart but family is family. As you grow older you will fall deeper in love with them. Visit Chile as often as you can. They miss and love you too.

• Dad is hard on you now but there’s a reason behind his madness. You will learn to appreciate it as you venture out into the world and go through different situations.

• Despite what you physically look like, you will totally be able to hold your own in a male dominated workplace. Own it. They will notice and have the upmost respect for you.

• It’s ok to be insecure or scared or sad or stressed. It’s ok to cry. Don’t try so hard to act like you always have everything under control. You are human, not a robot. Showing weakness is not a character flaw. Get over it.

Never forget:

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
-Desiderata, written by Max Ehrmann-

Love always,

-me-

again ... really?

Insomnia is a symptom^[1] of any of several sleep disorders, characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity. Insomnia is a symptom, not a stand-alone diagnosis or a disease.

...

please leave me aloonnneee!!!

either that or i need to learn how to "switch" my brain off so i can stop thinking.

i'm also sitting here with my thumb bleeding because i decided to put together my new bathroom shelf at 11pm and sliced it. imagine a paper cut but done with a thin piece of metal. awesome. in true "paper" cut form, the amount of blood that found its way down and around my thumb made it look 1000x worse than what it really is, but it's right on the knuckle and it stings. add that to my actual papercut on my left middle finger, and some other random cut on my left middle knuckle, and i'm in random pain with everything i do. :(

i've been thinking a lot a lot ... [probably a little too much if you ask me]. i worry too much and that's probably why it's 2:26am [holy sh*t] and i'm still up. whatever.

my outlet has always been my friends and i've heard 3 times ... "the way you spoke ... you could tell". wtf ... was i really bamboozling myself? diablo. i don't know what's worse ... having nothing to say or having a story to tell but not being able to tell it.

...

randoms!

• i may not have a Little anymore lol.
• i want to run away.
• i've had my macbook for almost 7 months and i still don't really know how to use all the shortcuts and whatnot.
• i think halloween is stupid [sue me].
• i want to change my room somehow but i'm not sure how.
• chile 2010 might really happen. i've been back for 2 weeks and i'm longing for my fam.
• i had some retail therapy yesterday at target but it barely did the trick. it was like drinking a shot of espresso for a quick fix when what i really want is a mug full of coffee for a long drawn out coffee run.
• still pissed about the kanye concert!!! where's the explantion?!
• i was on the phone with verizon today for like 20 min trying to fix my mms problem [or lack thereof] and got nowhere. bboooo.
  

quotes:

sex and the city does it again:

"the loneliness is palpable."
-carrie-

[i actually googled it and found a blog discussing it and the interpretation i found of it is dope.]

i live and breathe by this [cliche] frame of thought: "And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

June 4, 2009

at 5:30pm I wrote in my xanga:

" ... an absolutely detrimental situation that makes me feel like i'm competing in a race with a scooter while those 3 things have a porsche but logic and reason have never been friends with emotion and desire so i guess i'll just get some protective gear and push my lil ass as fast as i can, for as long as i can, and pray i don't get run over."

It is september 29th ... am i still racing?

:: randoms ::

• MY BDAY IS IN 22 DDDAAAYYYSSS!! :)
  
• i need a punching bag
• why was it cold this morning?
  
• i feel foolish
• i'm a little shocked
• my stomach hurts
• old navy got me today
  
• back to foolish?
• i need to stop forgetting the meaning of sankofa
  
• when i'm angry i have horribly mean thoughts
• i hungry
• i want a "learn italian" audiobook so i can just throw it on my ipod
• why the FREAK am i so angry right now
• when i start to hate nyc, that means i need a vacation ... is it september yet?
  
• i want to be a ninja. not a fighting ninja but the people who get inside scoop on tech news before anyone else

my friend had this up today. i'm glad she reminded me:

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence."

. . . f l a t l i n e . . .

:: 2am ::

and i'm up because after i got home from work i took a "nap" that lasted me 1.5 hrs ... uugghhh.

now i'm finally getting sleepy but i'm blogging and have no idea what to blog about ... i make no sense

i was thinking today about jealousy; what it is and how it works. according to some wikihow article, "jealousy is a combination of fear and anger". fear in regards to losing something and anger in regards to someone or something moving in on what you feel is yours.

i've always known that i have small fits of jealousy but i honestly never really understood why. the feeling in my tummy would just be a feeling and would leave as soon as it came. sometimes i would feel like it was eating away at my insides and it would become so unbearable that i would exhibit a sign of moodiness but that was it for the most part. only once has it ever gotten to the point where i blew up, and that ended in a disaster. never again.

now that i read that page, it makes a little more sense. what still confuses me though is how that fear or anger can rear its head regarding a situation that ended a while ago. someone you barely talk to anymore, don't see at all, and was never a person that you could have happily been with. are humans that ... greedy [for lack of a better word] that even though we KNOW that person was a terrible lover or friend, the minute we come to realize that someone else has stepped into the spot that you once held, you feel like a baby punched you in the gut?