The Art of Being Vulnerable

Ah feelings. They suck. Ok they don't "suck" but they make shit complicated.

It's been...a year? Almost a year? 7 months? (Why do I not know the answer to this?) since I've started to see my yogi in an attempt to work on myself, be more open, more vulnerable, let people in, yada yada. I was prepared to talk, to question, to wonder, to examine. I was not prepared to cry the amount of tears that I have cried in the X amount of time that I have been seeing her.

Having feelings isn't the issue. I've always had them, despite what anyone may think. I have been an emotional person my entire life. I've always cried, I've always felt sad, felt scared, whatever. I was just always really good at hiding all of that behind my tough, I have everything under control exterior. I was always good at not crying in public, brushing things off, walking around like nothing phased me. And now? Now I bawl at commercials, at the sheer memory OF said commercial, and tear up when a boy doesn't text me back after a date (more on that in a minute).

But back to the feelings. Why are they so many? Everywhere? And they come out at the most random times?! My friend told me it's because this is all new to me, but I will learn how to control it at some point. I sure hope so because this teary eyed, sniffling, red face look isn't great. (One friend that I cried in front of DID tell me that at least I don't ugly cry. So that helps right? It's the little things.)

Now to the crying over a text (or a lack thereof) thing. Let me throw out the huge, and I hope obvious, disclaimer  and that is that no, I do not cry, nor have I EVER cried, because someone "did not text me back". No. I cry at the bigger picture. At the frustration of purposely working on myself to be more open, and meeting dead end after dead end. At the frustration of trying to put out what I want to get back in return (effort...kindness...interest) and not getting it. At the confusion of what is happening over and over, and why it's happening with the same results.

My yogi would say it's because the universe is teaching me a lesson but seriously universe, enough is enough. I get it. I am awesome, if someone walks away from me, it's not me and good riddance, I don't need no one, blah blah. I think the universe has me confused with another girl that looks like me, because my self worth was never the issue at hand. As an adult, I've never thought I was anything but beautiful, smart, nice, etc. Sure, I have my bad traits and I am fully aware of them, but they are not deal breaking traits. I'm a catch. And I'm trying. So why can't I meet a catch who wants to try with me? And what makes this entire process even more frustrating is that when I WAS more closed off, wall up, guard at full, I didn't go through this. So I swear I'm getting the opposite result by actually caring, which doesn't sit well with my logical brain.

But this is part of the process right? The beautiful process of being vulnerable and more importantly, being OK with being vulnerable? The process of learning about you and trying to work on whatever doesn't sit well with you? The part that is overwhelmed with confusion and doubt and questions and feelings and God knows what else. The part that goes from happy to sad to happy. The part that feels crazy exposed and wonders if I opened up too much or too little? Was I positive? Did I make a negative statement? Did I smile?

Sigh. This shit is exhausting. Working on being a better version of you is a lot of work, but I hear the reward is wonderful so...onward.

Putting my big girl panties on

So here we are. It's officially 2012...new year, new goals, new checklists, and apparently, impending doom if the Mayans were right. I've decided that this year is the year that I get myself together. Not because it's a new year, no. But because this is the year that I turn 30 and I will be damned if I enter this new decade doing some of the same things I've been doing, or not accomplishing some of the things I want.


I think about things that I want to do or have all of the time. I want a better job that challenges me [and pays me more, who am I kidding]. I want my room to be more organized, my body to be more toned, my hair to curl more. Travel somewhere new, dress more stylishly...the list goes on and on.


I'm constantly thinking about things I need/want to do and later on realize that most of them go undone. Maybe it's because I forget some and don't put much effort into others because I'm busting my butt to attain the other few. Whatever the reason, I don't want to do that anymore. I want to have a goal, no matter how tiny, and do it. What better way than to put it on a freaking public blog so I can be held accountable for it after, right?


So here we go, in no type of order...all of these are things I want to have by the end of the year, unless otherwise noted.

1. De-clutter my room/home.
2. Buy a duvet.
3. Get new blinds for my room. And possibly a curtain.
4. Live alone by the time I turn 30.
5. Frame all of the things I want to frame.
6. Wash my car.
7. Maintain some sort of exercise regimen. I always fall off when it gets hot. Heat scares me. [And by hot I mean 90 degree NYC summer time hot.]
8. Read more.
9. Update my wardrobe.
10. Kick butt at work.
11. Go to Chile. I'm due for a visit.
12. Develop better sleeping habits.
13. Be a [tad bit] more risky.
14. Date more. Or at all. However you want to look at it.
15. Learn how to put on bloody eye shadow in colors other than my neutral safety palette.
16. Get my Italian skills back [already bought a livingsocial deal for this!]
17. Find someone who can make my hair look wonderful.

...to be continued.

time to change some thangs

So for a long time I've been walking around saying I want to change my life. And by "change my life" I don't mean something incredibly drastic like move to India, but change nonetheless [blame Eat.Pray.Love for this urge]. My body, my hair, my health, my job, my car, my room color, my tv...I could go on and on about the things I want to change but that would change the point of this blog entirely.

Back to my change checklist. Please note that I love my life and I love me. None of the things that I want to change, from my health to my room decor, are things that are horrid or I hate... they are just things that I know could be better.

Take my health for instance. Am I fat, no. Do I think that sometimes I look fat in certain things, yes [I don't wear spandex outfits for instance, I know my place!]. Do I like my body, yes! I don't want to be ripped and I don't even want to be super tight and firm everywhere. I like being soft, I'm a girl! But do I think I could improve in some way, absolutely.

It is a known fact that being thin/slender does not equal being fit. One of the main reasons that I don't run up the stairs to catch the train, other than the fact that I am deadly afraid of falling on my face and busting my it open, is the fact that I cannot do that without getting to the top totally out of breath. The stairs to the train aren't even that many...maybe 40? But I can't make it. Because I'm not fit [and here I thank baby Jesus that I never got into smoking because god only knows where I'd be if I did].

Do I like snowboarding, yes. Does it kick my ass, TOTALLY. Other than main problem #1, which is that looking down that mountain still terrifies me, problem #2 is that it kills my body. Kills. Falling while snowboarding takes a lot of work, and after falling 27 times, I literally have no energy to push myself back up.

So I started thinking about these things and the fact that I'd like to fit into my jeans a little better. And wear certain outfits with more confidence [not Spandex, I'd never go that route]. And just feel better overall, and I decided to make changes, and for me both are a big deal.

Change #1 is to exercise. Routinely. Not every now and then when the desire hits me [which is practically never]. I started pilates about a month ago. I started the gym last week. Not because it was a resolution, but because I loathe the gym and I knew the only way I would go was if Jenn went with me. So off we went and last week I exercised. I did the gym, pilates, and my little boxing and hula hoop games on Wii fit [don't sleep on some of those games, they will work you out if you do them for the whole time]. A gym buff may laugh at my little routine and call me pathetic, but to you I say f*ck you and remember that I'm a newbie. I want to get physically better but I'm not going to be a hero and go hard at the gym for a week straight! 4/7 days isn't bad.

Now here comes the best part. Today I went to the gym. Alone. I got home ready to go with Jenn but she had gone on a run before I got there and her knee hurt so she didn't want to go anymore. The little voice inside me told my ass to change into sweats and stay home. But the other little louder voice told me to go, and off I went. Alone!!! If you know me at all you know this is a big deal, and yes I am proud of me! :: does a little dance ::

Now, even more amazing than the fact that I'm working out is the fact that I'm changing my eating habits. And I daresay this is even harder than the gym. I was very honest with myself in knowing that I am probably never going to change WHAT I eat. I love burgers and pizza and pasta and seafood and terra chips and reese's peanut butter cups. I love them all. But what I desperately needed to change was HOW I ate. Meaning I can't have 3 peanut butter cups at once. Or force myself to eat every last bite of food, resulting in my feeling like I'm going to explode. Trust me, there is nothing I love more than that feeling, but I do it all the time and that's bad. I thank my upbringing with the fact that while I like fast food, I can't eat it all the time. My body literally craves home cooked food. This also helps with eating out at restaurants; it's tasty but I can't do it all the time [I also like money and eating out a lot wastes a shit load of it. No thanks].

And no this does not mean that when I go to a restaurant I'm going to order skinless chicken breast with steamed rice and that's my meal [gross]. But while I have always embraced being an inner fat kid, and I will ALWAYS be a fat kid, I need to put her in a corner more often. Not forever, just more often.

Classic example of my old fat kid ways: About a month ago I went with my friend to a local bar. Their claim to fame was that they have great burgers and I was dying to try them, so off we went. We got seated and ordered what else, but a beer. After examining the menu we chose our burgers. I don't remember wtf I had but yes, it was delicious. My friend's burger was delicious as well. Mine came with fries but I noticed that theirs had onion rings. So I asked to have one. And it was freaking amazing and I said so. And do you know what happened 2 seconds after? "Let's order a side of onion rings!"

That may not sound like a big deal but you had to see these burgers, they were huge. And I had a lot of fries and the onion rings on the plate were big. But we just ordered a whole separate side order. The MINUTE we said it we knew it was a bad idea but whatever, we decided to embrace our fat kid glory. And let me tell you we STRUGGLED to finish those onion rings. While drinking beer. And finishing our burgers. And then when we were done we laid down.

Uuummm....fail. My new, smaller and better behaved fat kid will enjoy the burger, and the side that came with it and that's it!!! No ordering a ridiculous extra side and then forcing myself to eat it. Ugh how horrid.

So there you go. New me, new goals, new priorities. I hate the gym but I'm kinda enjoying it in a weird way. I'm not going to turn into some health freak. I will still eat what I want, but I am making more of an effort to eat better. I'm like a two year old and I need to eat something every couple of hours, so I'm substituting usual cookies with some things and drinking tons of water. And I will still let the fat kid come out and play, just not as frequently as before.

Although I do really rreeaaallly want a burger. Like now.