once upon a time i had a friend

we shall call her A.

A and i were friends since early childhood; my dad worked in her building and we were the same age and only children, so we got along pretty well. she was the first person other than my cousin that slept over my house, and i was allowed to sleep over at hers. on the days that the sleep over was at her place, i would go to work with my dad early saturday morning and hang out in the office until it was "late" enough for me to go to her house (can't really go knocking on someone's door at 7am on a saturday).

a few years later, my dad got promoted and we moved into A's building ... i was ecstatic to have someone that i was so close to nearby ... all i had to do was go up a flight up steps and there she was. our random sleep overs turned into us being together almost every day, always at each others house, always outside together.

now in our very early teenage years, we saw each other through things that normal teens go through: insecurities, awkwardness, fights with parents and inevitably, boys. at age 14 i had my first "real" boyfriend. the one that i "loved" and (unfortunately) went through way too many things with considering how young i was. my relationship with him was hard ... he was jealous and crazy possessive and as a result of it, my friendship with A started suffering because he always wanted me with him and would argue with me if I wanted to spend time with her. Reading this now it's hard to imagine me putting up with that nonsense but remember ... i was 14 years old, super young, "in love" and nowhere near as outspoken as I am now.

One day i woke up and A was gone from my life and i had no idea why. It hurt but I didn't know what to do so i left her alone. A couple of years later she contacted me and asked if we could talk. I agreed and went to the apartment that I spent so much time in, that room that i knew as well as my own, and I felt like such an incredible stranger. While I listened to her i was dying to just get out ... nothing felt the same anymore. I found out why i had lost her ... because of that boy and because her mother had told her i was a bad example for her (really?). And instead of remorse i felt angry that someone that i had known for about 10 years could just leave me without talking to me first. How could she walk away from the one person that had never betrayed her? As wonderful as she was, she unfortunately went through so many of the hard teenage issues that you see now. At age 13 i saw a long red mark across her throat and found out she had run a piece of broken plastic across it. I cursed her out. Around the same years, she developed a horrible self esteem issue and stopped eating. She would "eat in her room" and hide the food under her bed or throw it out the window. I never knew if she became bulimic, but she was definitely anorexic.

What's sad is that her mother, who was a nurse, turned a blind eye to it. Everyone saw the circles under her eyes and her thinning body, except mommy dearest. I guess it's true that when it's happening under your own nose, you just overlook it. By no means am i a saint but i was there. I refused to hang out with her until she ate something in front of me ... an apple, a yogurt, a piece of bread. Anything.

Needless to say our friendship was over. This happened about 10 years ago .. fast forward to 2010 and A just had a baby girl. I knew she was pregnant, as my dad still talks to her, but I hadn't realized how far along she was. The crazy thing is that sometime within the last 2 weeks, I had a dream with her and in that dream she was pregnant and i told her that i knew we didn't speak anymore, but i still loved her and if she needed anything during her pregnancy, i would do it. If she needed a ride to the hospital, i would take her, if she had a craving i would get it for her. whatever she needed.

And then randomly i found out she had had the baby and i wondered if that sort of ... telepathy? ... could still exist with someone that you lost a decade ago. it kinda blew me away and as i told my dad my dream all he could say was "that's nice" while looking at me.

i just shrugged.

yeah that would be nice but she's not there. and i can honestly say that while i don't give two craps about all the other people that just woke up one day and decided i no longer held a place in their life, she is the only one that has ever hurt me by doing that.

maybe since a part of her and her presence seems to still be inside me, a part of me is still inside her ... and if that's the case ...

"my dear A:

i've never told you but i miss you and hate the fact that the 2nd half of my life so far has been without you. i forgive anything and everything you did to me so many years ago and i hope that you forgive me too. congratulations on your daughter; i hope that she is able to have the life that you never had, but has the childlike qualities that made you so great. i hope she watches the honeymooners under a blanket in the dark, has a love of astronomy, and has a friend to build forts with. At the same time, I hope she never forgets that she is beautiful as she is. May she have all of your strengths as well as the strength to overcome the weaknesses you had. I hope you can be the type of mother that you never had but always wanted and most of all, i hope she is truly *angelic*.

love always ... me"

dear 2009 ...

you sucked! ok i'm exaggerating ... you did not suck but you were by no means great [2008 still gets that honor]. as always the year was full of ups and downs and all that jazz, but what else is new.

so without further ado ... in true cathy form [bullets and all] .. this year:

• went by WAY too fast but i digress ...
• i got to travel to PR and most importantly, chile!!!
• i went to many weddings. 2008 was the year of the baby but this year was definitely the year of the wedding. i got to witness 4 people that i care for deeply get married. although it was expensive & i complained for 2 min, it was beautiful and i'm thankful that they all deemed me special enough to participate in such an important day in their lives.
• i became a god momma to my cutie patootie cousin.
• i got my heart strings pulled at. :: cue kanye :: "why's everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?"
• i breathed a sigh of relief when i found out that the fact that i was sittin in that room on the day of the company wide lay off meant i was spared and still employed.
• i fell into best friendville with a filipino [still waitin for those clear noodles homie!]
• i saw too many people pass away ... people i know, loved ones of friends, and public figures. may they all RIP
• i got to spend christmas with my favorite cousin & aunt ... it had been years.
• as a "minority" and a latina woman, i felt extra, extra proud.
• i turned 27 and had a spectacular bday, as always.
• i got a WIIIIIIII!!! [my first console EVER other than atari and gameboy lol].
• got to watch chile classify for the cup & the yankees win the series.
  

... i can't think of any more. i had the basic things going for me this year as well ... i'm healthy, my family is well, i have a job, my friends are great. etc etc. but nothing really spectacular happened either; it was kind of just a "whatever" year i suppose.

with that said ... in 24 hours it will be 2010. the start of a new year and a new decade. i hope to continue to have health, happiness, and a job. i hope that my family and friends all continue to have the same, or gain it if they are lacking any of those. i hope to continue my friendships and gain new ones; to become number 1; to find a job that fulfills me and to continue my personal goal of travels around the world.

farewell 2009 and hello 2010. may you be good to me.

-me-

Skillz - 2009 Rap Up

oh confusion

i want to write but i don't know what to write. i was doing ok until something happened that required me to push me to the side. the fact of the matter is that as emotional as i am, i don't know how to deal with emotions other than happiness. i don't know how to deal with hurt or confusion or sadness or longing, so i run. when the issues have to do with only me, i physically run away from the world and retreat to my room, my haven, so that i can sit with those feelings alone. but when those emotions can be encompassed within another person, i just run away from them. maybe that's childish of me but it's the only way i know how to deal and i've done it my whole life. no person means no emotions. the fact of the matter is that my theory back there is complete and utter bullshit. as if physically distancing yourself from someone makes you forget they were ever there. i mean really. the really f*cking sad thing is that i don't know what i want and THAT is what's f*cking me over. do i want to be with them. do you know how many times i've been asked that, before, during, and after. and my answer is honestly, i don't know. it's not a cop out i don't know. it's a legitimate "i don't know!!!" as crazy as it sounds i wish i could figure it out. i doubt anything would change other than the fact that i would now be clear with what i want [or don't want]. what i DO know that i want though is normalcy. the last few days have been semi normal [or as normal as we're allowing ourselves to be] and it's been nice but it's still not normal. not the normal that existed, that i know can be reached. i just want it to be normal. but then i think about it and wonder if it ever really was normal. in our secluded little bubble it was. fuck normal, it was amazing is what it was. but truely normal? :: shrug :: it was probably the fakest normalcy i'll ever see. fake because in the confines of our personal space, wherever that happened to be at the moment, it was perfect. but the minute one or the other stepped out, broke that invisible barrier, the harshness of the real world slapped us in the face. sometimes i wonder if that amazingness was because of the circumstances, or because it just was. did that make sense? at rit i always used to laugh at the fact that it was widely known that the scale for rating women there was COMPLETELY different than that of the real world. rit was filled with "geeks" and "nerds" and "social outcasts". it is a true tech school and let's face it, up until a few years ago, technology was not really a field women went into. therefore the amount, and caliber, of the women in the school was very limited, and the rating system was on a crazy curve. the sexy hot girl in rit would probably just be looked at as normal [if that] in the real world when put up against ... well the world. so back to me .. was it amazing because of the circumstance, the confinement, or was it amazing just because that's how it is. if put out in the real world, up against all the real issues people face, would it still hold and be what it was? a part of me wishes that answer is no, simply because if that is what is real ... that level of comfort, of talking, of intimacy, of laughter ... then it just f*cking sucks. i can't even strive for the normalcy before it began because the fact is that we were always full of flirtation and giggles and hours of conversation. it's been 3 months since the "fake normalcy" faded into blatant reality. 3!!! the time apart is going by as fast as the time together went. will everything be ok, yes it will but the time it's taking to get there sucks.

...my rant is over. if it made no sense, that's fine. i didn't really think much, just sat down and typed.

...

and on an absolutely total random note, we had our dept holiday party today and it was absolute comedy.

well then ...

sometimes i forget why i ever started a blog and then you have a day like today, where you sift through old entries and you remember

crazy what time does, how much things can change ...

a year ago today we were talking [?] and now i don't even have your #.

and a lil more than a year ago today i wrote a post on how much i missed you, SP, and now i'm pretty sure you hate me.

and now today i am involved in something i swore i would never do again that contains qualities that i never desired to begin with.

nice.

randoms:

• i do believe it's raining ... AGAIN
• first wedding is next week ...
  
• and i still need a dress and a plane ticket. i suck
• work blows
• i want it to finally be summer
• i'm cutting my hair on sat!!!
• WTF am i DOING?!?!?