The Art of Being Vulnerable

Ah feelings. They suck. Ok they don't "suck" but they make shit complicated.

It's been...a year? Almost a year? 7 months? (Why do I not know the answer to this?) since I've started to see my yogi in an attempt to work on myself, be more open, more vulnerable, let people in, yada yada. I was prepared to talk, to question, to wonder, to examine. I was not prepared to cry the amount of tears that I have cried in the X amount of time that I have been seeing her.

Having feelings isn't the issue. I've always had them, despite what anyone may think. I have been an emotional person my entire life. I've always cried, I've always felt sad, felt scared, whatever. I was just always really good at hiding all of that behind my tough, I have everything under control exterior. I was always good at not crying in public, brushing things off, walking around like nothing phased me. And now? Now I bawl at commercials, at the sheer memory OF said commercial, and tear up when a boy doesn't text me back after a date (more on that in a minute).

But back to the feelings. Why are they so many? Everywhere? And they come out at the most random times?! My friend told me it's because this is all new to me, but I will learn how to control it at some point. I sure hope so because this teary eyed, sniffling, red face look isn't great. (One friend that I cried in front of DID tell me that at least I don't ugly cry. So that helps right? It's the little things.)

Now to the crying over a text (or a lack thereof) thing. Let me throw out the huge, and I hope obvious, disclaimer  and that is that no, I do not cry, nor have I EVER cried, because someone "did not text me back". No. I cry at the bigger picture. At the frustration of purposely working on myself to be more open, and meeting dead end after dead end. At the frustration of trying to put out what I want to get back in return (effort...kindness...interest) and not getting it. At the confusion of what is happening over and over, and why it's happening with the same results.

My yogi would say it's because the universe is teaching me a lesson but seriously universe, enough is enough. I get it. I am awesome, if someone walks away from me, it's not me and good riddance, I don't need no one, blah blah. I think the universe has me confused with another girl that looks like me, because my self worth was never the issue at hand. As an adult, I've never thought I was anything but beautiful, smart, nice, etc. Sure, I have my bad traits and I am fully aware of them, but they are not deal breaking traits. I'm a catch. And I'm trying. So why can't I meet a catch who wants to try with me? And what makes this entire process even more frustrating is that when I WAS more closed off, wall up, guard at full, I didn't go through this. So I swear I'm getting the opposite result by actually caring, which doesn't sit well with my logical brain.

But this is part of the process right? The beautiful process of being vulnerable and more importantly, being OK with being vulnerable? The process of learning about you and trying to work on whatever doesn't sit well with you? The part that is overwhelmed with confusion and doubt and questions and feelings and God knows what else. The part that goes from happy to sad to happy. The part that feels crazy exposed and wonders if I opened up too much or too little? Was I positive? Did I make a negative statement? Did I smile?

Sigh. This shit is exhausting. Working on being a better version of you is a lot of work, but I hear the reward is wonderful so...onward.

July 23, 2012..

I don't even know when was the last time I cried...bawled...over her death but tonight was the night that it hit me again. I have no idea why. It's not like I don't think about her at least once every single day. But today it just sucker punched me and here I am, at almost 1:30am, typing senseless crap away with tears running down my face.

It's been almost a year later since I made that phone call and I still.can't.believe.it. Is that normal? I have visited her grave countless times, have run my fingers over her name and I still "can't believe" that this happened.

I feel like her death broke me. Like it left this black hole in me that I was either ignoring or just not understanding. I feel like instead of moving forward with this, live with no regrets mantra that tends to sprout out of someone when they have a life changing event, I've become more fearful than ever. The morbid thoughts of what if this happens to this person or me or her or him just flood my head every.single.fucking.day. Because the same way I lost her while she went out to do something so innocent as go to a concert at a fair, is the same way some other crap can happen. Because whether by the hand of God, or the trigger finger of a maniac, your life can change in a split second. 

I hate that I feel this way and I hate how I've been feeling lately. I'm moody and sad and angry. But most of all I am so fearful and doubtful. I am. I used to be so...if I say I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. I did that all through my school years; whether it was stating firmly that I was going to attend RIT no matter what, or throwing a banquet for the student org I was president of, I said it and got it done. And now I just sit here in fear and doubt and don't do ANYTHING. Because the fucked up, scared, pathetic side of me thinks that I can just lose it so quickly, so why even bother.

Isn't that so sad? I want this life and this career and love and feeling of happiness and hope, knowing that my life is going so wonderfully. And I am scared shitless to throw myself out there and do it. Because she had that and she lost everything. 

She had it all. She did. She was successful and smart and beautiful and was getting ready for grad school and was engaged and had her pugs and she had her entire life ahead of her. She had made her deposit for her September wedding at the beach. She was so happy. And then there was nothing. And that feeling, that thought...haunts me. And I know if she was here she would yell at me and then shake me and tell me to get over it. But for now that feeling is just right there.

I'm sad. I am. Over her of course, but in general as well. I don't think I can remember the last time I felt truly happy. I know I have a great life and I am always thankful for everything I have. But I know I'm settling out of pure fear and that gets deep down into my soul and makes me feel so heavy. I see people around me moving forward and falling in love and getting new jobs and I just want to scream how much I want that, but then that secret feeling that I wasn't even aware I had, that fear of losing everything just kicks in. 

Le sigh.

Putting my big girl panties on

So here we are. It's officially 2012...new year, new goals, new checklists, and apparently, impending doom if the Mayans were right. I've decided that this year is the year that I get myself together. Not because it's a new year, no. But because this is the year that I turn 30 and I will be damned if I enter this new decade doing some of the same things I've been doing, or not accomplishing some of the things I want.


I think about things that I want to do or have all of the time. I want a better job that challenges me [and pays me more, who am I kidding]. I want my room to be more organized, my body to be more toned, my hair to curl more. Travel somewhere new, dress more stylishly...the list goes on and on.


I'm constantly thinking about things I need/want to do and later on realize that most of them go undone. Maybe it's because I forget some and don't put much effort into others because I'm busting my butt to attain the other few. Whatever the reason, I don't want to do that anymore. I want to have a goal, no matter how tiny, and do it. What better way than to put it on a freaking public blog so I can be held accountable for it after, right?


So here we go, in no type of order...all of these are things I want to have by the end of the year, unless otherwise noted.

1. De-clutter my room/home.
2. Buy a duvet.
3. Get new blinds for my room. And possibly a curtain.
4. Live alone by the time I turn 30.
5. Frame all of the things I want to frame.
6. Wash my car.
7. Maintain some sort of exercise regimen. I always fall off when it gets hot. Heat scares me. [And by hot I mean 90 degree NYC summer time hot.]
8. Read more.
9. Update my wardrobe.
10. Kick butt at work.
11. Go to Chile. I'm due for a visit.
12. Develop better sleeping habits.
13. Be a [tad bit] more risky.
14. Date more. Or at all. However you want to look at it.
15. Learn how to put on bloody eye shadow in colors other than my neutral safety palette.
16. Get my Italian skills back [already bought a livingsocial deal for this!]
17. Find someone who can make my hair look wonderful.

...to be continued.

Saying goodbye

It's been 10 days since I heard, 5 since I last saw her, and 4 since I laid her to rest. And I still can't believe it. Is that normal?

I've never lost anyone in my life that was young. Or that I was close to. Or in such a tragic way. And the fact that this one event is encompassing all of these things is just blowing my mind. I don't know what I'm doing. I have people telling me that I'm so strong and that I'm providing such guidance for them and I just want to scream I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! How am I helping you when I feel so confused myself?!?

I have no idea how to deal with this. I know there is no right or wrong way, I know. But that doesn't change that fact that I wish there was "a way". That someone could send me an article or a book to read that will outline for me how do you deal with the tragic death of someone that you care about.

But alas, that doesn't exist, so I'm forced to sit here with these feelings. Or should I say feeling.

I feel guilty as f*ck.

My stage of randomly bursting into tears appears to be over and now all that I have left are feelings of missing her, and just guilt.

Every day I think of the same things. Why didn't I visit before? Why didn't I pick to visit the weekend of that damned Indiana State Fair, because maybe then she would still be here? Why didn't I text her more or call her more or Skype with her? Why didn't I tell her just a few times more that I love her or missed her. Why didn't I send the cards I always thought about sending, but never did because I quite frankly, suck ass at sending cards?

Why, why, why. Every night I talk to her before going to bed and every night I apologize for what I deem to be, my being a shitty friend. Because of course now that I can never again tell her that I miss her, or send her a card just because, or visit her, all I do is think about how much I sucked for not having done those things. And all I've done, every day since, is tell her these things.

I spent all weekend thinking about what we SHOULD be doing too. That was rough. I had a Delta flight for Aug 18, 6pm from LGA to O'Hare. Do you know where I was on Aug 18 at 6pm? Getting into my car to drive to her wake. From Thurs-Sun, all I kept thinking was what it SHOULD have been. My flight would have landed by now, we should be getting dinner. I should be sitting in her living room having a cup of coffee right now and watching morning tv. We should be at the top of Sky Deck right now trying to get that perfect cool pic that doesn't show our fear of sitting on glass 100 floors in the air. We should, we should, we should.

Add on the guilt I feel every time I feel "ok". Every time I laugh, I feel guilty. Like, why should I be laughing? I just lost one of my best friends. I should be sad and crying right? No, I know that's wrong and silly. I know as much as this sucks and I miss her, life goes on. I know because she showed me that it does. When her mom passed in 2002, she lost the most important person in her world. But she kept on with her life. She missed her every single day but she didn't stop laughing, loving, or LIVING. She kept going. I know I need to take my cue from her but I just feel so.incredibly.guilty.

I feel like I'm dealing with this by turning into "go" mode. I feel "ok" but I think that I'm just falling back into life and focusing on things that I can control, because I cannot control this. I think that's how I feel. Not sure. I actually have the contact info now for a grief counselor. Never thought about seeing one but maybe speaking to someone entirely removed from the situation and me will help me. Who knows.

All I know is that I miss my friend. And I would do anything in the world to change what happened, even if just a little, I would have rather I change my flight to Indianapolis and sit in a hospital for 3 days, instead of having to cancel it completely. But I can't. Because this is real life and I do not have magical powers.

I'm not the most religious person in the world but now more than ever, I pray and hope that this "heaven" thing is real for the simple fact that that means that one day, I will get to see her again.

I felt her the other day though. On the evening of her funeral I went to her aunt's house and as we sat in a circle talking and laughing, I suddenly felt her. Mid-laugh I just got a sense of peace and calm and I envisioned her standing behind me, with her hand on my shoulder. And as quickly as it came, it was gone, but I didn't make up that sudden shift in me. It was so real and so sudden. I got home that night and asked her to please never stop doing that. To never stop visiting me every now and then as a simple reminder that it's ok and that she won't leave me. I think it's one of the only things that is giving me some peace of mind right now.

things i did today

1. took the day off
2. still had to get up early...earlier than i do for work actually
3. took gma to the doc
4. had lunch with her
5. went to new rochelle with my dad
6. sat in a showroom for 3 hours
7. tried not to punch a a hyundai employee in the face
8. drove away in my brand new car, paid for in full, by me.
9. laughed hysterically as eric saw her for the first time and goes "ooooh i love her curves!"

adult purchase #1 - complete

now i have to name her.   :)

.. sigh ..

today i cried at work. not teared up or choked up, but i cried. grabbed a tissue and all.

i didn't even have to open that email to know what had happened and i felt my soul come out.

in that second, none of the feelings i had been hoarding mattered anymore ... not the missing, the anger, the resentment, the disgust, the longing ... nothing.

today my heart broke for a friend whose heart was breaking itself. and despite the fact that i had fixed so many emotions before; put so many smiles on their face and made them shed tears of laughter ... today i struggled to try to "fix" it, knowing that nothing in the entire world would ever undo what has been done.

i know i said it already, but i am so incredibly sorry.


"Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life." ~Albert Einstein

...

i miss you and all those moments.

halloween

so for the first time in years i celebrated halloween. if you wonder why this is such a big deal, you have to understand that i'm that person that thinks halloween is stupid [the same way people think valentine's day is stupid]. i don't think anyone that celebrates halloween is stupid ... i just think the actual day is stupid. what's the purpose of it anyway?

anywho... my friend ryan randomly invited me out to some bar for halloween and after much debating, i got my ass up and went, IN COSTUME [you really have no idea how big of a deal this is for me lol]. so after getting there and discovering that NO ONE was there yet [thanks!] i decided to make the most of it. off came the trench coat, out came the pirate hooker costume, and there i went to the bar to watch the game. i immediately became happy after i ordered my cran & vodka and my man said $7. que que?!?! i liked this place already.

as i stood there aimlessly, i met "hugh hefner", aka Tommy. not sure who he was or what he was about but he managed to compliment me, call me a wench, and buy me a shot and another drink all by the time everyone got there. :: shrug :: i had free alcohol so what did i care.

the crowd was diverse and random as hell, and thankfully ryan brought a fellow latina that helped ease the tension off of me due to being so surrounded by "them" [lmao thanks rye!] regardless of anything, everyone there was fun, drinks were cheap, music was good, and i had a really good time. so good a time that i somehow ended up drinkin 6 cran & vodka's and 2 shots.

uumm ... not sure what i was thinking but this little body cannot handle alcohol like that anymore and i became a drunky monkey as jenn said, lmao. thankfully i have good friends who care that i make it to old age, so instead of the bronx i slept in queens and got to walk around a nice little jewish neighborhood in a black trench with black leggings and boots. that got quite a few looks but i had fun doing it lol.

whatever ... halloween was *good* for the first time in a long time. dare i say i might start celebrating halloween now?!?!

randoms:

• yeah that little insomnia problem? still there my friends.
• i am utterly sick of the shenanigans that go on at work and i still cannot get over the fact that crap that sat on someone's desk for 8 months was assigned to me 1 month before the due date. and then i get "help". and the help is anything but. blah!
  
• speaking of drunky monkey, by the look of my hands i engaged in a war last night. all my nails are chipped, 3 are broken, and i have a small bruise. w.t.f?!
• i feel like my room is cluttered but i can't throw away the things "cluttering" it because i use them.
  
• i finally met my Rx deductible and on Friday i called the doc to make an appt so i can get me the good migraine drugs. i was on hold for 15 min, that receptionist whore never came back, i hung up and called again and no one answered. thank you DOCS, thank you.
• i can work well with a lot of work but i do not function properly under chaos, and right now my real job and side job are both chaotic. order is my friend.
• i'm back to not knowing if i should go with droid or stick with bb ... i am so indecisive.
• i think i'm going to cut my hair. it's way too long again.
• the jankees are one game away from winning the series. aaggghhhh. pleasewinpleasewinpleasewin.

monotony

Main Entry: mo·not·o·ny
Pronunciation: \mə-ˈnä-tə-nē, -ˈnät-nē\

Function: noun

Date: 1706

1 : tedious sameness

...

that's exactly how i feel. not complaining about anything; my life is great. but it's the same thing every day ... same hair, same clothes, same phone, same trip to work, same job, same places to eat, same home furnishings ... etc, etc, etc.

it's just ... feeling like i'm stuck in a rut. with everything.

"Beware of monotony; it's the mother of all deadly sins."
-Edith Wharton-

[isn't that the truth]