Saying goodbye

It's been 10 days since I heard, 5 since I last saw her, and 4 since I laid her to rest. And I still can't believe it. Is that normal?

I've never lost anyone in my life that was young. Or that I was close to. Or in such a tragic way. And the fact that this one event is encompassing all of these things is just blowing my mind. I don't know what I'm doing. I have people telling me that I'm so strong and that I'm providing such guidance for them and I just want to scream I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! How am I helping you when I feel so confused myself?!?

I have no idea how to deal with this. I know there is no right or wrong way, I know. But that doesn't change that fact that I wish there was "a way". That someone could send me an article or a book to read that will outline for me how do you deal with the tragic death of someone that you care about.

But alas, that doesn't exist, so I'm forced to sit here with these feelings. Or should I say feeling.

I feel guilty as f*ck.

My stage of randomly bursting into tears appears to be over and now all that I have left are feelings of missing her, and just guilt.

Every day I think of the same things. Why didn't I visit before? Why didn't I pick to visit the weekend of that damned Indiana State Fair, because maybe then she would still be here? Why didn't I text her more or call her more or Skype with her? Why didn't I tell her just a few times more that I love her or missed her. Why didn't I send the cards I always thought about sending, but never did because I quite frankly, suck ass at sending cards?

Why, why, why. Every night I talk to her before going to bed and every night I apologize for what I deem to be, my being a shitty friend. Because of course now that I can never again tell her that I miss her, or send her a card just because, or visit her, all I do is think about how much I sucked for not having done those things. And all I've done, every day since, is tell her these things.

I spent all weekend thinking about what we SHOULD be doing too. That was rough. I had a Delta flight for Aug 18, 6pm from LGA to O'Hare. Do you know where I was on Aug 18 at 6pm? Getting into my car to drive to her wake. From Thurs-Sun, all I kept thinking was what it SHOULD have been. My flight would have landed by now, we should be getting dinner. I should be sitting in her living room having a cup of coffee right now and watching morning tv. We should be at the top of Sky Deck right now trying to get that perfect cool pic that doesn't show our fear of sitting on glass 100 floors in the air. We should, we should, we should.

Add on the guilt I feel every time I feel "ok". Every time I laugh, I feel guilty. Like, why should I be laughing? I just lost one of my best friends. I should be sad and crying right? No, I know that's wrong and silly. I know as much as this sucks and I miss her, life goes on. I know because she showed me that it does. When her mom passed in 2002, she lost the most important person in her world. But she kept on with her life. She missed her every single day but she didn't stop laughing, loving, or LIVING. She kept going. I know I need to take my cue from her but I just feel so.incredibly.guilty.

I feel like I'm dealing with this by turning into "go" mode. I feel "ok" but I think that I'm just falling back into life and focusing on things that I can control, because I cannot control this. I think that's how I feel. Not sure. I actually have the contact info now for a grief counselor. Never thought about seeing one but maybe speaking to someone entirely removed from the situation and me will help me. Who knows.

All I know is that I miss my friend. And I would do anything in the world to change what happened, even if just a little, I would have rather I change my flight to Indianapolis and sit in a hospital for 3 days, instead of having to cancel it completely. But I can't. Because this is real life and I do not have magical powers.

I'm not the most religious person in the world but now more than ever, I pray and hope that this "heaven" thing is real for the simple fact that that means that one day, I will get to see her again.

I felt her the other day though. On the evening of her funeral I went to her aunt's house and as we sat in a circle talking and laughing, I suddenly felt her. Mid-laugh I just got a sense of peace and calm and I envisioned her standing behind me, with her hand on my shoulder. And as quickly as it came, it was gone, but I didn't make up that sudden shift in me. It was so real and so sudden. I got home that night and asked her to please never stop doing that. To never stop visiting me every now and then as a simple reminder that it's ok and that she won't leave me. I think it's one of the only things that is giving me some peace of mind right now.