July 23, 2012..

I don't even know when was the last time I cried...bawled...over her death but tonight was the night that it hit me again. I have no idea why. It's not like I don't think about her at least once every single day. But today it just sucker punched me and here I am, at almost 1:30am, typing senseless crap away with tears running down my face.

It's been almost a year later since I made that phone call and I still.can't.believe.it. Is that normal? I have visited her grave countless times, have run my fingers over her name and I still "can't believe" that this happened.

I feel like her death broke me. Like it left this black hole in me that I was either ignoring or just not understanding. I feel like instead of moving forward with this, live with no regrets mantra that tends to sprout out of someone when they have a life changing event, I've become more fearful than ever. The morbid thoughts of what if this happens to this person or me or her or him just flood my head every.single.fucking.day. Because the same way I lost her while she went out to do something so innocent as go to a concert at a fair, is the same way some other crap can happen. Because whether by the hand of God, or the trigger finger of a maniac, your life can change in a split second. 

I hate that I feel this way and I hate how I've been feeling lately. I'm moody and sad and angry. But most of all I am so fearful and doubtful. I am. I used to be so...if I say I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. I did that all through my school years; whether it was stating firmly that I was going to attend RIT no matter what, or throwing a banquet for the student org I was president of, I said it and got it done. And now I just sit here in fear and doubt and don't do ANYTHING. Because the fucked up, scared, pathetic side of me thinks that I can just lose it so quickly, so why even bother.

Isn't that so sad? I want this life and this career and love and feeling of happiness and hope, knowing that my life is going so wonderfully. And I am scared shitless to throw myself out there and do it. Because she had that and she lost everything. 

She had it all. She did. She was successful and smart and beautiful and was getting ready for grad school and was engaged and had her pugs and she had her entire life ahead of her. She had made her deposit for her September wedding at the beach. She was so happy. And then there was nothing. And that feeling, that thought...haunts me. And I know if she was here she would yell at me and then shake me and tell me to get over it. But for now that feeling is just right there.

I'm sad. I am. Over her of course, but in general as well. I don't think I can remember the last time I felt truly happy. I know I have a great life and I am always thankful for everything I have. But I know I'm settling out of pure fear and that gets deep down into my soul and makes me feel so heavy. I see people around me moving forward and falling in love and getting new jobs and I just want to scream how much I want that, but then that secret feeling that I wasn't even aware I had, that fear of losing everything just kicks in. 

Le sigh.

wow to war

i'm not very political

i'm not going to go into some huge tirade regarding war

a part of me can even say that i don't necessarily DISAGREE with war,

although i am still scratching my head on why we [USA] are still fighting

in this particular "war"

regardless, waking up today and sleepily looking at FB statuses to

see a RIP and then contacting someone who i knew would know

and confirming that yes, my college friend who i've known

for what...8-9 years now? lost his brother in afghanistan yesterday...

...was absolutely horrible.

i can't even pretend to know how his family is feeling,

how my friend is coping,

how his wife is going to tell his 3 young children that their dad is gone.

i can't.

May he R.I.P.

Dear Obama/Senate/God/Buddha/Mother Nature/WHOEVER...

please get these troops OUT of the Middle East and back

home where they belong because THIS is the most

senseless loss of life ever.

http://rochester.ynn.com/content/top_stories/524191/local-marine-killed-in-afghanistan/

Don't.Get.Got.

This week at work the most ridiculous thing happened, the type of thing that I am fully aware exists but I don't know anyone that it's happened to [at least not that I know of].

...Someone at my job was bamboozled by a nigerian scam!!!

:: pause ::

we all know about these scams ... my personal favorite is the amazing apartment that is available for rent insanely cheap and all you need to do is wire $4k to somewhere in africa and wait for the magical key to be mailed to you ... well this one was slightly different and involved an online dating service [none of the popular ones]

now ... it is 2010. the internet is what it's all about. i personally have nothing against online dating but you have to be careful. shit, you have to be careful even if you meet someone the more traditional way. there are crazy people in the world and you never know who you may be dealing with. you have to be savvy, you have to be smart, you have to not be gullible.

this man, unfortunately, was none of those things. middle-aged and having recently come out of a divorce, he is undoubtedly lonely and looking to meet someone new. enter this dating site [mate1 or something like that]. he registers, creates a profile and lo and behold, some young pretty thing contacts him.

eyebrow raise #1: he is not a sexy middle-aged man. he is not harrison ford or sean connery when they were 50. he's a regular ass dude.

anyway ... so pretty young thing contacts him and starts chatting him up via email and IM. my love this, my king that, i can't wait to be with you, blah blah blah. s[he] was laying it on thick and this man was just soaking it all up.

now i can't go on without being totally honest and admitting that this became my entertainment at work. the victim never personally told me any of this, but he would divulge all details to a coworker im pretty close to. hearing the stories and finding out what she wrote became pure comedic relief to my coworker and i. that is, until, i find out that she "needed money" for God knows what.

when i heard that, my little "people suck" radar went through the roof and i start bombarding my coworker with questions ... what is her name, how old is she, where is she? men have terrible memories so all he could remember was "ohio", "young" and "blonde".

thanks ... i pride myself on my detective skills but i wasn't going to get anywhere with that. it wasn't until days later that he was finally able to remember where this "lady" was located ... n-i-g-e-r-i-a.

womp.womp. he knew her "name" by now too and we started to frantically google away. what we found was just sad .. a forum full of thousands of threads, all related to this type of thing ... "hi i met susie q on xyz.com, she lives in nigeria and she needs money to pay her hotel bill/get airfare/pay for her sick mothers medicine...what do i do?"

sigh

then i find out that he already sent her some money. followed by her sending him some fake ass itinerary with her flight info to NY

eyebrow raise #2: who in their right mind gets on a plane to visit some person they just met 2 weeks prior? no one. unless you're crazy!

then i find out he had sent her MORE money. by then i couldn't take it anymore; this man is annoying and i don't particularly like him, but i couldn't just stand there and let this happen. so i came home, found cases on this forum that sounded exactly like his mystery lady, copied and pasted and sent them to my coworker who was the ear to all of these stories. then i forced him to show this stuff to the man and he did.

he apparently called AA and found out that she was NOT on the flight [gasp]. do you know what happened next? the girl contacted him with some sob story about how customs wouldn't let her out of the country and that she needs him to send 15% of $40k to "help her out" ... that is $6000!!!!

i don't know what happened with that but i'm thankful that i did my good deed for the month and managed to get this info to him before "her" bs lie [lets face it, this nigerian person is not a pretty blonde thing, it's some man] and before he sent them any more money!!! he didn't lose out that much, less than $1000 from what i know, but still!

people are horrible. be savvy kids! the minute someone asks you for money, run! use google, it's your friend! and if you don't know how to find info on someone, just ask me! i lloovvee googling people and finding out everything i can about them!

just call me nancy drew. :: cheese ::