It's been almost a year later since I made that phone call and I still.can't.believe.it. Is that normal? I have visited her grave countless times, have run my fingers over her name and I still "can't believe" that this happened.
I feel like her death broke me. Like it left this black hole in me that I was either ignoring or just not understanding. I feel like instead of moving forward with this, live with no regrets mantra that tends to sprout out of someone when they have a life changing event, I've become more fearful than ever. The morbid thoughts of what if this happens to this person or me or her or him just flood my head every.single.fucking.day. Because the same way I lost her while she went out to do something so innocent as go to a concert at a fair, is the same way some other crap can happen. Because whether by the hand of God, or the trigger finger of a maniac, your life can change in a split second.
I hate that I feel this way and I hate how I've been feeling lately. I'm moody and sad and angry. But most of all I am so fearful and doubtful. I am. I used to be so...if I say I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. I did that all through my school years; whether it was stating firmly that I was going to attend RIT no matter what, or throwing a banquet for the student org I was president of, I said it and got it done. And now I just sit here in fear and doubt and don't do ANYTHING. Because the fucked up, scared, pathetic side of me thinks that I can just lose it so quickly, so why even bother.
Isn't that so sad? I want this life and this career and love and feeling of happiness and hope, knowing that my life is going so wonderfully. And I am scared shitless to throw myself out there and do it. Because she had that and she lost everything.
She had it all. She did. She was successful and smart and beautiful and was getting ready for grad school and was engaged and had her pugs and she had her entire life ahead of her. She had made her deposit for her September wedding at the beach. She was so happy. And then there was nothing. And that feeling, that thought...haunts me. And I know if she was here she would yell at me and then shake me and tell me to get over it. But for now that feeling is just right there.
I'm sad. I am. Over her of course, but in general as well. I don't think I can remember the last time I felt truly happy. I know I have a great life and I am always thankful for everything I have. But I know I'm settling out of pure fear and that gets deep down into my soul and makes me feel so heavy. I see people around me moving forward and falling in love and getting new jobs and I just want to scream how much I want that, but then that secret feeling that I wasn't even aware I had, that fear of losing everything just kicks in.
Le sigh.
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