violence against women

On Monday, June 20th, I went to sleep knowing that someone I knew as an acquaintance had passed away with his girlfriend. I immediately thought car accident.

On Tuesday, June 21st, I went to sleep knowing that that person had actually killed his girlfriend and then taken his own life.

Shock is not even the word to describe the state I have been in for the last almost 48 hours.

I'm wrestling with the decision of naming a name in this post. The story is no longer a secret. The names have been released to the media and the story is on news sites.* It's just so surreal to me to know that something like this happened. Another domestic violence case. Another story. And not only that, but someone I knew did it.

I, along with my friends, spent all of Tuesday chatting and glued to our computers. What happened. Who, what, where, when. Unfortunately, I'm not sure we will ever get a "why", but as the day went on and detail after detail emerged, a part of me cried and my stomach turned even more.

I had so many people ask me if I was close to him, or if I knew her. The answer is no and no. He was someone I knew and had hung out with a time or two. She was unknown to me. But that doesn't change the fact that the story is hurting my soul.

For a long time I have felt that people don't take domestic violence seriously. That upon learning that a woman has been punched or kicked by her lover, the response is "why doesn't she just leave" [as if it's always that easy]. Or it's doubt or claims of her being dramatic. Or even worse, that she somehow brought it on herself.

I've made no secret of the fact that I was thoroughly disgusted by the "punishment" that Chris Brown received after the incident with Rihanna. Not only that, but I was even MORE disgusted by the stupid [yes stupid] shit that people said to me regarding that event. Things like:

• She probably did something to him first.
• She's not a tiny girl, you know she probably hit him too.
• Come on, you know she instigated it.
• Haven't you heard that S&M song? Whips and chains? She likes shit like that.
• He's young and stupid, it was just a mistake.
  

 I'm sorry, what? Come again? I had to bite my tongue a whole lot, but yes I think whoever said that to me is stupid.

But this isn't about them. This is about two very real, very young individuals, who are now dead because of domestic violence.

This shit is real kids. VERY real. Domestic violence is not an act. It's not a game. Women go through this every.single.day. Need a fact to prove it?

Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.

 Need more?

• On average, more than 3 women a day are murdered by their husband/boyfriend
• One out of four women are victims of DV at some point in their life
• Each year there are an estimated 1200 deaths and 2 million injuries incurred by women due to violence
• 1 out of 3 teens know someone that has been hurt by their partner
• Approximately 15% of US adults have been a victim of DV

I think people are always quick to think that it won't happen to them, but it can and it does. In the blink of an eye you can find yourself in an abusive relationship. And then what? Some women are strong enough to leave before something terrible happens, and some aren't. So many people criticized the Eminem/Rihanna song for "glorifying" staying in an abusive relationship. They weren't glorifying it kids. They were speaking the truth. People stay in bad relationships all the time. Why? Because they love them. Of course getting abused is not love, but the point of abuse is to gain control over the other. And when you get to that point...yeah you think love will fix it. 

I don't even know what to say anymore regarding this story. A part of me wishes that my initial reaction of what took their lives was right, but I can't. The only thing I can do now is pray for them and their families and friends.Pray that this story opens the eyes of someone in this scenario, regardless of whether you are the abuser or the one being abused. Pray that you will call someone, write a letter, visit a center, do something to stop the cycle before it's too late.

I will say this though. To all the people I know that said one of the statements I wrote above:

Do you think she deserved it? Do you think she did something to trigger him? Even if she punched or kicked in defense, do you think it's ok that he retaliated and ended up killing her? If she liked playing dominatrix in bed, do you think she "liked" getting abused? He was only 26 years old and this is not his first abusive relationship. Do you still think he was making mistakes because he was young?

I hope not. I hope you can't even begin to answer any of those questions with a yes. Many women make it out alive with some bruises, but many become the ultimate statistic. The worst case scenario. It takes just one snap for an abuser to totally lose their minds and perform the ultimate act.

It can happen to anyone. I wish the world would start to take this more seriously because this is so very, very real.

Every woman who thinks she is the only victim of violence has 

to know that there are many more.
-- Salma Hayek 

RIP.

http://www.ndvh.org/
http://www.domesticviolence.org/

http://www.ncadv.org

You can also call the following resources for help:

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 TYY

The National Sexual Assault Hotline:1-800-656-4673

The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline:1-866-331-9474

National Stalking Resource Center: 1-800-FYI-CALL (394-2255) 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

*To read this story: Click here ...