hot mess of america

That's the best way to describe me right now. How I'm feeling. I feel like a huge, gigantic mess. The other day I made a list, divided into 3 categories, of things I need to do. Cut my hair, look up airfare, throw away old makeup, get a recycle bin. The list was absolutely all over the place, but the two main to-do items that I believe are the main things contributing to my messy state are:

1. Update resume
2. Apply to jobs

I have finally admitted to myself that I hate my job. Not dislike. Not deem it as less than desirable.

No, I hate it.

I could go on and on about what has made me come to this conclusion, but I won't bore anyone with that. Just know that every morning I wake up with a feeling of disdain. The thought of once again, going downtown to sit 8 hours at that desk with those people, hurts my tummy. I like *what* I do...my problem is who I do it for. Specifically, the department I do it for.

Last week I had to attend a 3 day training on a product I've already had for 3 years because I had never been trained in it before [if that doesn't make sense to you, don't worry, it didn't to me either]. I was on point with my employee skills. I arrived 30min early every day. Sat in the front, took notes. Worked on my labs. I didn't talk much because I've always been the quiet student, but I listened to everything. The other people in the training were from all over the world and they were SO SMART. They had so many questions and scenarios on how to use the product. A lot of what they said went over my head because I just didn't know it, but I loved it.

I miss working for people that I think are smart. That sounds mean to say but it's the damn truth. I miss aggressive people who can make decisions. I miss working with people who speak confidently when explaining something, because they know they know it. It is incredibly hard to work for people that you, quite frankly, have no respect for as an employer. Everyone in my department is a very nice person. But nice people don't necessarily make good managers or leaders. And they are horrible leaders. I'll admit that I don't like to be led. I like to sit down and get my work done, without having to do much follow up or take much direction. But I don't mind being led at all, as long as it's done by people that I want to lead. Be like. Emulate.

I don't want to emulate these folk. I want to be inspired. I want to learn. I have never been the person that talks just to talk, but when I do talk, I say something. I want my voice to be heard. My suggestions to be seriously considered. I want to be appreciated as an employee.

So that's where I am. I'm almost 29 years old and I can honestly say that I have never disliked a job as much as I dislike this one. Not even my 10 hour a day, 6am starting job in Rochester. Not child labor Baskin Robbins. Not Bloomies. Nada. Just this one.

I do realize I need to be grateful to have a job, and I am. But I feel like I'm getting stupider by the day, despite my ever increasing workload. I think I do good work but I wish I could do GREAT work. You may ask why don't I? Well because when you are managing about 9 projects alone, with no real support, it's hard to ensure superb quality. It becomes meet the release date, or be wonderful yet leave out a ton of work. And quite frankly, I get nothing to compensate for busting my ass to put out superb work. So why do it?

I've started updating my resume and will very soon start applying to new places. I got asked the other day if I have any emotional attachment to my job, and the answer is no. It saddens me more to think about leaving my project managers and screwing up their doc, than actually leaving my department. My project managers are awesome people but unfortunately, I don't work for them.

If I wasn't so anal, I would just quit with no job lined up but I don't want to then be jobless and lost.


Sigh. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I've lost control.

new attitude

Things have been a little frustrating at work lately [for lack of a better word], so my coworker and I have decided to totally change our attitude about everything.

New thought process: sigh, smile, do it

You need me to write you an email everyday telling you what I'm working on? Done.

Meetings Mon/Wed/Friday, in addition to our one-on-ones and department meetings? No problem.

Want me to write up a summary of every meeting and send it to all attendees? You got it!!!

Just please. Leave me. Alonneeeeeeee.

On a sidenote, I was assigned a new project [mean face] but it totally has to do with what I want to do next with my career & I've been asking to learn for the past 2 years [happiness]

"No one can drive you crazy unless you give them the keys."

Well I'm taking mine back and willingly getting in on the passenger side and going along for the ride.

there's no crying at work

And by crying I mean emotion.

I've had a few different jobs that have ranged from serving ice cream, to working in a library, to conducting research and development on remote visual inspection equipment. Despite the obvious difference in work environment that these jobs have all offered me, they have all had in common the fact that the workplace is no place for emotion.

Don't get me wrong, I have almost cried at work. Like when a customer at Bloomingdale's cursed me out because I wouldn't honor her [invalid] coupon, and when a manager came to handle the situation, she just gave the customer what she wanted and went against store policy [and I basically fought for nothing].

Or when my first really big project at my current job was nearing its deadline and I was barely 75% done with it and couldn't fathom how or when I was ever going to finish. Yeah, I managed to get a tear or two come to my eye for those.

But emotional outpours say in emails? No. Never.

Words like "uncomfortable" and "disappointed" should not be in any email regarding how I made you "feel". Unless I cursed you out or harassed you [neither of which I have ever done], why are we sending feeling emails. Especially feeling emails that are coming hours after you let some emotion fester.

Work is work and it does not get completed at my job because of emotions. Do you think any of my PMs give two craps if I feel disappointed with the software? No. Does it work, yes or no? Is it documented, yes or no? ie did I do my job? Yes. Or. No?

:: sigh ::

These sudden experiences at work have let me to a new realization though. And that is the the whole festering thing. The first time this happened, I went to see my coworker and simply said, "That is such a GIRL thing to do! You contacted me and gave me an option, I didn't take it, and hours later you contacted me to tell me that you had expected me to do it anyway. Why wasn't that just said upfront?!"

His response was a simple laugh followed by "Welcome to our life as men. You give us an option when in reality you want us to do it, and instead of saying that you get all upset if we don't".

WELL THEN!

Now that I am on the receiving end of this horribly classic female stereotype, I have seen how not cool it is, and to men everywhere I say I'M SORRY! How completely annoying.

Although, I will say that while this behavior is annoying regardless of the situation, at least in an emotional relationship it's an emotional relationship. There are so many other things that go into being with someone. 

But work? Sorry but work to me still remains a place where your emotions should be checked at the door.

him vs. me

Scenario #1

Where: office
When: Summer 2010

Her: do you want to change your hours?
Him: sure let's make it 9
Her: :: scribbles that down on a piece of paper ::

The end.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Scenario #2

Where: office and email
When: Fall 2010

Her: do you want to change your hours? you have free range to and since you come in later and stay later all the time anyway, you might as well make it official.

Me: oh that sounds great. i'll email you the hours today.

:: next morning ::

Me: :: sends email :: Hi I'm just sending this as a reminder that I changed my hours and I'm coming in by 10 today.

Her: actually that hasn't been approved yet but that's ok for today. And actually _____ has some other suggestions that we can review today.

Me: :: jaw on the floor...while still standing at home ::

The end.

...

To say that I am utterly livid right now is the biggest understatement of the century. It has taken everything in me to not march into an office and, like a child, point a finger and ask "how come when he did it it took 2 seconds but I'm getting the run around?"

For a minute I thought I made up the interaction I had witnessed between him and her but I asked him and he confirmed...change of hours was effective upon a scribble on a post it. Ok.

Some might sit there and tell me that there are rules and whatnot. That's fine. I understand that. You can't just do whatever the hell you want at work. But do not tell me that I have "free range" to change something about my work environment and then when I do, I encounter problems. Especially when someone else in the same exact situation did not. I promise I don't have an issue with authority, as long as it's decisive and to the point. And non selective.

 I know this issue is not arising from her directly, moreso it's being imposed by a higher power, but unfortunately I have to deal with her directly. I haven't even gone to discuss whatever BS "suggestions" it is that said higher power came up with because my anger is AAALLLLL over me right now. All over my voice and my face and I have never been good at hiding that. I cannot smile at you and be pleasant when all I want to do is punch the wall.

So today I will avoid her.

And come in at my normal, pre-approved time tomorrow.

While I start fixing my resume.

i just want to ccrryy

things making me want to cry

work

seriously. i never really want to cry from work but i want to. every time i turn around something else needs to be done and it's never ending.

i have a project that every time i receive an email stating we're at the "home stretch", just more stuff gets added to it. longest home stretch ever. wtf.

sigh

i left early because of the snow and was never able to successfully connect to my work computer. thank you software company for having a retarded IT department and not supporting macs. you're awesome. :: thumbs up ::

sleep

or lack thereof. i cannot for the life of me get a regular sleep pattern back. and even if i do get 7 hours, i wake up SO drowsy i just can't get up. what's interesting though is that i used to have a job that started at 6am, and i could get up. when i worked in syracuse, i was at work everyday by 8am with no problem. now i'm older, and a real "grown up" and i can barely ever made it to work before 10am. wtf is going on.

hair

ok there are way bigger things to worry about but i'm on a mission to learn how to do my hair. i bought some new mousse and i *think* i may hate it. not sure yet. but i also started washing my hair differently at the same exact time i started using the new mousse, so i'm not sure what the problem is. is it the mousse? the new wash routine? now i have to sit around and play to see if i can figure it out ... me, the person filled with patience. sigh. this is harder than i thought. i've been told a lot recently by different people that my hair is great, i guess cuz they think i hate it or thin it's ugly or something, which i don't. i know it's pretty but good lord is it hard to manage. i'm starting to believe hair emulates personalities, cuz mine sure knows how to do what it wants, when it wants to. sometimes it likes product, sometimes it doesn't. sometime's it's in a happy mood and looks wonderful and sometimes it gets angry and stubborn.

hhmmm ... i think i may be on to something lmfao.

i will succeed in my mission! and then my hair will look like the pic below .. or as close enough to it as it allows me to get lolol

halloween

so for the first time in years i celebrated halloween. if you wonder why this is such a big deal, you have to understand that i'm that person that thinks halloween is stupid [the same way people think valentine's day is stupid]. i don't think anyone that celebrates halloween is stupid ... i just think the actual day is stupid. what's the purpose of it anyway?

anywho... my friend ryan randomly invited me out to some bar for halloween and after much debating, i got my ass up and went, IN COSTUME [you really have no idea how big of a deal this is for me lol]. so after getting there and discovering that NO ONE was there yet [thanks!] i decided to make the most of it. off came the trench coat, out came the pirate hooker costume, and there i went to the bar to watch the game. i immediately became happy after i ordered my cran & vodka and my man said $7. que que?!?! i liked this place already.

as i stood there aimlessly, i met "hugh hefner", aka Tommy. not sure who he was or what he was about but he managed to compliment me, call me a wench, and buy me a shot and another drink all by the time everyone got there. :: shrug :: i had free alcohol so what did i care.

the crowd was diverse and random as hell, and thankfully ryan brought a fellow latina that helped ease the tension off of me due to being so surrounded by "them" [lmao thanks rye!] regardless of anything, everyone there was fun, drinks were cheap, music was good, and i had a really good time. so good a time that i somehow ended up drinkin 6 cran & vodka's and 2 shots.

uumm ... not sure what i was thinking but this little body cannot handle alcohol like that anymore and i became a drunky monkey as jenn said, lmao. thankfully i have good friends who care that i make it to old age, so instead of the bronx i slept in queens and got to walk around a nice little jewish neighborhood in a black trench with black leggings and boots. that got quite a few looks but i had fun doing it lol.

whatever ... halloween was *good* for the first time in a long time. dare i say i might start celebrating halloween now?!?!

randoms:

• yeah that little insomnia problem? still there my friends.
• i am utterly sick of the shenanigans that go on at work and i still cannot get over the fact that crap that sat on someone's desk for 8 months was assigned to me 1 month before the due date. and then i get "help". and the help is anything but. blah!
  
• speaking of drunky monkey, by the look of my hands i engaged in a war last night. all my nails are chipped, 3 are broken, and i have a small bruise. w.t.f?!
• i feel like my room is cluttered but i can't throw away the things "cluttering" it because i use them.
  
• i finally met my Rx deductible and on Friday i called the doc to make an appt so i can get me the good migraine drugs. i was on hold for 15 min, that receptionist whore never came back, i hung up and called again and no one answered. thank you DOCS, thank you.
• i can work well with a lot of work but i do not function properly under chaos, and right now my real job and side job are both chaotic. order is my friend.
• i'm back to not knowing if i should go with droid or stick with bb ... i am so indecisive.
• i think i'm going to cut my hair. it's way too long again.
• the jankees are one game away from winning the series. aaggghhhh. pleasewinpleasewinpleasewin.

:: randoms ::

• it's 1:13 ... i'm up. and i SUCK at waking up for work. ugh
• 2 days left ... eeeeeeek!!! :D
• i started playing some stupid FB game called farmville ... it's Sim-ish. no bueno
• i want to go to on vacation from work for like a month
• i want. to pierce. my ear!
• i'm trying to find shoes for my dress and i have no desire of looking. i hate shoes. i am NOT a shoe girl!
• i heart grape
• :: watching tv :: i want to go to disney world!
• regardless of what anyone might think, i have a LOT of self restraint with comments to stupid people. if you think i'm mean now, you should hear what goes through my head.
• i've somehow become a walker. in the last couple of weeks i've walked from 207 to 231, from 33rd & 7th to 42nd & 11th (yea that sucked), from my job to the jacob javits center, from my job to 14th st ... why? beats me. if it's not scorching hot out, i don't really notice that much. just put on my ipod and go.
• i discovered the express bus during the 1 train nightmare. it is beautiful.
• i used to once have luxurious hair. i'm not sure what happened. i haven't dyed it in 4 yrs!!! i'm about to take hair vitamins lol.
• my friend has a great travel blog ... support her: http://djalidelaesmeralda.blogspot.com/

... sabbatical ...

so today i was thinking that maybe next year, after my anniversary date at work and the next big release comes out [ie my big project will be over] i might want to go on sabbatical for like a month.

i have always always regretted not doing study abroad in college. always. not sure why i never took that opportunity but i've seen so many people i know go away and come back with their amazing stories and i hate it!

anyone that knows me knows that i have an undying love for the italian culture and language, and there are schools in italy [actually anywhere really] that you can sign up to only to learn the language. i just looked it up real quick, and my tuition for 3 weeks would be $632 ...

yeah that's it. obviously that's JUST tuition. i have yet to include basic things like ... housing ... food ... etc. but maybe i can pull it off. we'll see. i just don't want to have another "what if" ... i'm young and have no husband or kids ie, not a damned thing holding me down.

why not take the chance. i'm terrified of going overseas alone though ... anyone want to go with me! :)

http://www.scuolaleonardo.com/index.html