July 23, 2012..

I don't even know when was the last time I cried...bawled...over her death but tonight was the night that it hit me again. I have no idea why. It's not like I don't think about her at least once every single day. But today it just sucker punched me and here I am, at almost 1:30am, typing senseless crap away with tears running down my face.

It's been almost a year later since I made that phone call and I still.can't.believe.it. Is that normal? I have visited her grave countless times, have run my fingers over her name and I still "can't believe" that this happened.

I feel like her death broke me. Like it left this black hole in me that I was either ignoring or just not understanding. I feel like instead of moving forward with this, live with no regrets mantra that tends to sprout out of someone when they have a life changing event, I've become more fearful than ever. The morbid thoughts of what if this happens to this person or me or her or him just flood my head every.single.fucking.day. Because the same way I lost her while she went out to do something so innocent as go to a concert at a fair, is the same way some other crap can happen. Because whether by the hand of God, or the trigger finger of a maniac, your life can change in a split second. 

I hate that I feel this way and I hate how I've been feeling lately. I'm moody and sad and angry. But most of all I am so fearful and doubtful. I am. I used to be so...if I say I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. I did that all through my school years; whether it was stating firmly that I was going to attend RIT no matter what, or throwing a banquet for the student org I was president of, I said it and got it done. And now I just sit here in fear and doubt and don't do ANYTHING. Because the fucked up, scared, pathetic side of me thinks that I can just lose it so quickly, so why even bother.

Isn't that so sad? I want this life and this career and love and feeling of happiness and hope, knowing that my life is going so wonderfully. And I am scared shitless to throw myself out there and do it. Because she had that and she lost everything. 

She had it all. She did. She was successful and smart and beautiful and was getting ready for grad school and was engaged and had her pugs and she had her entire life ahead of her. She had made her deposit for her September wedding at the beach. She was so happy. And then there was nothing. And that feeling, that thought...haunts me. And I know if she was here she would yell at me and then shake me and tell me to get over it. But for now that feeling is just right there.

I'm sad. I am. Over her of course, but in general as well. I don't think I can remember the last time I felt truly happy. I know I have a great life and I am always thankful for everything I have. But I know I'm settling out of pure fear and that gets deep down into my soul and makes me feel so heavy. I see people around me moving forward and falling in love and getting new jobs and I just want to scream how much I want that, but then that secret feeling that I wasn't even aware I had, that fear of losing everything just kicks in. 

Le sigh.

i just want to ccrryy

things making me want to cry

work

seriously. i never really want to cry from work but i want to. every time i turn around something else needs to be done and it's never ending.

i have a project that every time i receive an email stating we're at the "home stretch", just more stuff gets added to it. longest home stretch ever. wtf.

sigh

i left early because of the snow and was never able to successfully connect to my work computer. thank you software company for having a retarded IT department and not supporting macs. you're awesome. :: thumbs up ::

sleep

or lack thereof. i cannot for the life of me get a regular sleep pattern back. and even if i do get 7 hours, i wake up SO drowsy i just can't get up. what's interesting though is that i used to have a job that started at 6am, and i could get up. when i worked in syracuse, i was at work everyday by 8am with no problem. now i'm older, and a real "grown up" and i can barely ever made it to work before 10am. wtf is going on.

hair

ok there are way bigger things to worry about but i'm on a mission to learn how to do my hair. i bought some new mousse and i *think* i may hate it. not sure yet. but i also started washing my hair differently at the same exact time i started using the new mousse, so i'm not sure what the problem is. is it the mousse? the new wash routine? now i have to sit around and play to see if i can figure it out ... me, the person filled with patience. sigh. this is harder than i thought. i've been told a lot recently by different people that my hair is great, i guess cuz they think i hate it or thin it's ugly or something, which i don't. i know it's pretty but good lord is it hard to manage. i'm starting to believe hair emulates personalities, cuz mine sure knows how to do what it wants, when it wants to. sometimes it likes product, sometimes it doesn't. sometime's it's in a happy mood and looks wonderful and sometimes it gets angry and stubborn.

hhmmm ... i think i may be on to something lmfao.

i will succeed in my mission! and then my hair will look like the pic below .. or as close enough to it as it allows me to get lolol

halloween

so for the first time in years i celebrated halloween. if you wonder why this is such a big deal, you have to understand that i'm that person that thinks halloween is stupid [the same way people think valentine's day is stupid]. i don't think anyone that celebrates halloween is stupid ... i just think the actual day is stupid. what's the purpose of it anyway?

anywho... my friend ryan randomly invited me out to some bar for halloween and after much debating, i got my ass up and went, IN COSTUME [you really have no idea how big of a deal this is for me lol]. so after getting there and discovering that NO ONE was there yet [thanks!] i decided to make the most of it. off came the trench coat, out came the pirate hooker costume, and there i went to the bar to watch the game. i immediately became happy after i ordered my cran & vodka and my man said $7. que que?!?! i liked this place already.

as i stood there aimlessly, i met "hugh hefner", aka Tommy. not sure who he was or what he was about but he managed to compliment me, call me a wench, and buy me a shot and another drink all by the time everyone got there. :: shrug :: i had free alcohol so what did i care.

the crowd was diverse and random as hell, and thankfully ryan brought a fellow latina that helped ease the tension off of me due to being so surrounded by "them" [lmao thanks rye!] regardless of anything, everyone there was fun, drinks were cheap, music was good, and i had a really good time. so good a time that i somehow ended up drinkin 6 cran & vodka's and 2 shots.

uumm ... not sure what i was thinking but this little body cannot handle alcohol like that anymore and i became a drunky monkey as jenn said, lmao. thankfully i have good friends who care that i make it to old age, so instead of the bronx i slept in queens and got to walk around a nice little jewish neighborhood in a black trench with black leggings and boots. that got quite a few looks but i had fun doing it lol.

whatever ... halloween was *good* for the first time in a long time. dare i say i might start celebrating halloween now?!?!

randoms:

• yeah that little insomnia problem? still there my friends.
• i am utterly sick of the shenanigans that go on at work and i still cannot get over the fact that crap that sat on someone's desk for 8 months was assigned to me 1 month before the due date. and then i get "help". and the help is anything but. blah!
  
• speaking of drunky monkey, by the look of my hands i engaged in a war last night. all my nails are chipped, 3 are broken, and i have a small bruise. w.t.f?!
• i feel like my room is cluttered but i can't throw away the things "cluttering" it because i use them.
  
• i finally met my Rx deductible and on Friday i called the doc to make an appt so i can get me the good migraine drugs. i was on hold for 15 min, that receptionist whore never came back, i hung up and called again and no one answered. thank you DOCS, thank you.
• i can work well with a lot of work but i do not function properly under chaos, and right now my real job and side job are both chaotic. order is my friend.
• i'm back to not knowing if i should go with droid or stick with bb ... i am so indecisive.
• i think i'm going to cut my hair. it's way too long again.
• the jankees are one game away from winning the series. aaggghhhh. pleasewinpleasewinpleasewin.

i'm so excited!!!

about this magical blue pill i'm taking tonight [no not THAT ONE!!!]

the little magical blue pill that is going to make me go to SLEEP. this insomnia is off the charts. yesterday i came home from work, barely fell asleep for about an hour, went to bed a lil later because i felt like i was going to pass out and ... just lay there.

i was still awake when my sleeper timer on the tv went off.

:: sigh ::

again ... really?

Insomnia is a symptom^[1] of any of several sleep disorders, characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity. Insomnia is a symptom, not a stand-alone diagnosis or a disease.

...

please leave me aloonnneee!!!

either that or i need to learn how to "switch" my brain off so i can stop thinking.

i'm also sitting here with my thumb bleeding because i decided to put together my new bathroom shelf at 11pm and sliced it. imagine a paper cut but done with a thin piece of metal. awesome. in true "paper" cut form, the amount of blood that found its way down and around my thumb made it look 1000x worse than what it really is, but it's right on the knuckle and it stings. add that to my actual papercut on my left middle finger, and some other random cut on my left middle knuckle, and i'm in random pain with everything i do. :(

i've been thinking a lot a lot ... [probably a little too much if you ask me]. i worry too much and that's probably why it's 2:26am [holy sh*t] and i'm still up. whatever.

my outlet has always been my friends and i've heard 3 times ... "the way you spoke ... you could tell". wtf ... was i really bamboozling myself? diablo. i don't know what's worse ... having nothing to say or having a story to tell but not being able to tell it.

...

randoms!

• i may not have a Little anymore lol.
• i want to run away.
• i've had my macbook for almost 7 months and i still don't really know how to use all the shortcuts and whatnot.
• i think halloween is stupid [sue me].
• i want to change my room somehow but i'm not sure how.
• chile 2010 might really happen. i've been back for 2 weeks and i'm longing for my fam.
• i had some retail therapy yesterday at target but it barely did the trick. it was like drinking a shot of espresso for a quick fix when what i really want is a mug full of coffee for a long drawn out coffee run.
• still pissed about the kanye concert!!! where's the explantion?!
• i was on the phone with verizon today for like 20 min trying to fix my mms problem [or lack thereof] and got nowhere. bboooo.
  

quotes:

sex and the city does it again:

"the loneliness is palpable."
-carrie-

[i actually googled it and found a blog discussing it and the interpretation i found of it is dope.]

i live and breathe by this [cliche] frame of thought: "And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

bbllaahh

i can't sleep. :(

too many thoughts ...

... and my ceiling fan sounds WAY too loud!! wtf

ok and it suddenly stopped being loud for 2 seconds ... and came back. eh?