July 23, 2012..

I don't even know when was the last time I cried...bawled...over her death but tonight was the night that it hit me again. I have no idea why. It's not like I don't think about her at least once every single day. But today it just sucker punched me and here I am, at almost 1:30am, typing senseless crap away with tears running down my face.

It's been almost a year later since I made that phone call and I still.can't.believe.it. Is that normal? I have visited her grave countless times, have run my fingers over her name and I still "can't believe" that this happened.

I feel like her death broke me. Like it left this black hole in me that I was either ignoring or just not understanding. I feel like instead of moving forward with this, live with no regrets mantra that tends to sprout out of someone when they have a life changing event, I've become more fearful than ever. The morbid thoughts of what if this happens to this person or me or her or him just flood my head every.single.fucking.day. Because the same way I lost her while she went out to do something so innocent as go to a concert at a fair, is the same way some other crap can happen. Because whether by the hand of God, or the trigger finger of a maniac, your life can change in a split second. 

I hate that I feel this way and I hate how I've been feeling lately. I'm moody and sad and angry. But most of all I am so fearful and doubtful. I am. I used to be so...if I say I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. I did that all through my school years; whether it was stating firmly that I was going to attend RIT no matter what, or throwing a banquet for the student org I was president of, I said it and got it done. And now I just sit here in fear and doubt and don't do ANYTHING. Because the fucked up, scared, pathetic side of me thinks that I can just lose it so quickly, so why even bother.

Isn't that so sad? I want this life and this career and love and feeling of happiness and hope, knowing that my life is going so wonderfully. And I am scared shitless to throw myself out there and do it. Because she had that and she lost everything. 

She had it all. She did. She was successful and smart and beautiful and was getting ready for grad school and was engaged and had her pugs and she had her entire life ahead of her. She had made her deposit for her September wedding at the beach. She was so happy. And then there was nothing. And that feeling, that thought...haunts me. And I know if she was here she would yell at me and then shake me and tell me to get over it. But for now that feeling is just right there.

I'm sad. I am. Over her of course, but in general as well. I don't think I can remember the last time I felt truly happy. I know I have a great life and I am always thankful for everything I have. But I know I'm settling out of pure fear and that gets deep down into my soul and makes me feel so heavy. I see people around me moving forward and falling in love and getting new jobs and I just want to scream how much I want that, but then that secret feeling that I wasn't even aware I had, that fear of losing everything just kicks in. 

Le sigh.

Saying goodbye

It's been 10 days since I heard, 5 since I last saw her, and 4 since I laid her to rest. And I still can't believe it. Is that normal?

I've never lost anyone in my life that was young. Or that I was close to. Or in such a tragic way. And the fact that this one event is encompassing all of these things is just blowing my mind. I don't know what I'm doing. I have people telling me that I'm so strong and that I'm providing such guidance for them and I just want to scream I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! How am I helping you when I feel so confused myself?!?

I have no idea how to deal with this. I know there is no right or wrong way, I know. But that doesn't change that fact that I wish there was "a way". That someone could send me an article or a book to read that will outline for me how do you deal with the tragic death of someone that you care about.

But alas, that doesn't exist, so I'm forced to sit here with these feelings. Or should I say feeling.

I feel guilty as f*ck.

My stage of randomly bursting into tears appears to be over and now all that I have left are feelings of missing her, and just guilt.

Every day I think of the same things. Why didn't I visit before? Why didn't I pick to visit the weekend of that damned Indiana State Fair, because maybe then she would still be here? Why didn't I text her more or call her more or Skype with her? Why didn't I tell her just a few times more that I love her or missed her. Why didn't I send the cards I always thought about sending, but never did because I quite frankly, suck ass at sending cards?

Why, why, why. Every night I talk to her before going to bed and every night I apologize for what I deem to be, my being a shitty friend. Because of course now that I can never again tell her that I miss her, or send her a card just because, or visit her, all I do is think about how much I sucked for not having done those things. And all I've done, every day since, is tell her these things.

I spent all weekend thinking about what we SHOULD be doing too. That was rough. I had a Delta flight for Aug 18, 6pm from LGA to O'Hare. Do you know where I was on Aug 18 at 6pm? Getting into my car to drive to her wake. From Thurs-Sun, all I kept thinking was what it SHOULD have been. My flight would have landed by now, we should be getting dinner. I should be sitting in her living room having a cup of coffee right now and watching morning tv. We should be at the top of Sky Deck right now trying to get that perfect cool pic that doesn't show our fear of sitting on glass 100 floors in the air. We should, we should, we should.

Add on the guilt I feel every time I feel "ok". Every time I laugh, I feel guilty. Like, why should I be laughing? I just lost one of my best friends. I should be sad and crying right? No, I know that's wrong and silly. I know as much as this sucks and I miss her, life goes on. I know because she showed me that it does. When her mom passed in 2002, she lost the most important person in her world. But she kept on with her life. She missed her every single day but she didn't stop laughing, loving, or LIVING. She kept going. I know I need to take my cue from her but I just feel so.incredibly.guilty.

I feel like I'm dealing with this by turning into "go" mode. I feel "ok" but I think that I'm just falling back into life and focusing on things that I can control, because I cannot control this. I think that's how I feel. Not sure. I actually have the contact info now for a grief counselor. Never thought about seeing one but maybe speaking to someone entirely removed from the situation and me will help me. Who knows.

All I know is that I miss my friend. And I would do anything in the world to change what happened, even if just a little, I would have rather I change my flight to Indianapolis and sit in a hospital for 3 days, instead of having to cancel it completely. But I can't. Because this is real life and I do not have magical powers.

I'm not the most religious person in the world but now more than ever, I pray and hope that this "heaven" thing is real for the simple fact that that means that one day, I will get to see her again.

I felt her the other day though. On the evening of her funeral I went to her aunt's house and as we sat in a circle talking and laughing, I suddenly felt her. Mid-laugh I just got a sense of peace and calm and I envisioned her standing behind me, with her hand on my shoulder. And as quickly as it came, it was gone, but I didn't make up that sudden shift in me. It was so real and so sudden. I got home that night and asked her to please never stop doing that. To never stop visiting me every now and then as a simple reminder that it's ok and that she won't leave me. I think it's one of the only things that is giving me some peace of mind right now.

my mira mira

A few months before I started college I received a letter informing me that in order for RIT to match me with the best roommate they could, I would have to fill out a survey. Questions on it were along the lines of "are you a night person? how clean are you? do you play music loudly?" We were instructed to answer these questions as honestly as possible so that whatever computer they were going to feed the results into could pick someone out that was perfect for me.

I remember filling out the survey at the kitchen table with my mom constantly reminding me to be honest. I laughed, rolled my eyes, said whatever. How accurate could this be?

A couple of months later I received another letter informing me that my roommate had been chosen. As I stared at her name and hometown, I wondered how the hell was this going to work. She was clearly Indian [her last name might as well have been Smith...but in India], and she was from Sewickly, PA.

Yes...Sewickly. I pulled out a map and couldn't even find it. That's how tiny it is.

The letter suggested that we call each other before arriving in Rochester so that we could work out who was bringing what...fridge, tv, dvd player...etc.

Me being who I am, I stalled. I hate the phone. I hate talking to people I don't know even more. Not only that but in my stalling I managed to lose the paper with her phone #. Fantastic.

After tons of nagging from my mom, I managed to find the paper and sucked it up. It was like August and move in time was a few weeks away. I took a breath, called her, and told her that I was sorry I hadn't called sooner but I had lost the paper with the info.

Her response: "Oh my god me too!"

Well then, there goes one thing we had in common! Shortly into the convo she told me she had been nervous to call me because I was clearly Latina and from the Bronx...and no offense, but she was kinda scared. I told her not to worry I had been scared too. Common factor #2.

We ended up on the phone for like 2 hours that night and I hung up super happy and relieved. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

A few weeks later I met the person who would become the first roommate I ever had in life [hello only child here]. Let's just say RIT's little survey system is pretty impeccable. Meera and I were perfectly matched, both in our opposites and similarities. We're both quiet but I'm louder. I can get ghetto, she doesn't have a ghetto bone in her body. We both hated waking up, loved to eat, fell asleep with the TV on, and always had music on. It was like love at first sight.

Not only did we get along well as roommates, but we became friends and yes there's a difference. I've lived with quite a few people since then but only a few of them transcended that line into "someone I share space with" to "someone I can talk to, lean on, laugh with...etc". Meera and I lived together for a total of 4.5 years and managed to never kill each other. I honestly don't think we've ever even had an argument and THAT is pretty remarkable within itself.

We saw each other through love, happiness, anger. We were always there for each other, no matter what time it was or what we had to do the next day. I can remember the DAY that she met the man who is now her husband, the way she spoke of him, the way they were as little 21 yr olds with crushes. I cried when she called me to tell me of her engagement, flew to Pittsburgh for 4 days to attend her wedding, and will travel to VA to celebrate her future children, whenever that is.

We are now 28 and live in different states but she is one of those people that whenever we do get together, it's like we're back in school. To this day we are still in awe of how well that little system managed to "get us".

So to RIT's roommate matching system...I thank you for giving me a friendship that has been growing for over a decade, and will hopefully continue for the rest of our lives.

[Oh and eHarmony/Match/whatever else online dating system there is...I think you should call up RIT and ask them how they do it because their system is clearly better than yours. Just sayin.]

 

[us at 20yrs old]