The Art of Being Vulnerable

Ah feelings. They suck. Ok they don't "suck" but they make shit complicated.

It's been...a year? Almost a year? 7 months? (Why do I not know the answer to this?) since I've started to see my yogi in an attempt to work on myself, be more open, more vulnerable, let people in, yada yada. I was prepared to talk, to question, to wonder, to examine. I was not prepared to cry the amount of tears that I have cried in the X amount of time that I have been seeing her.

Having feelings isn't the issue. I've always had them, despite what anyone may think. I have been an emotional person my entire life. I've always cried, I've always felt sad, felt scared, whatever. I was just always really good at hiding all of that behind my tough, I have everything under control exterior. I was always good at not crying in public, brushing things off, walking around like nothing phased me. And now? Now I bawl at commercials, at the sheer memory OF said commercial, and tear up when a boy doesn't text me back after a date (more on that in a minute).

But back to the feelings. Why are they so many? Everywhere? And they come out at the most random times?! My friend told me it's because this is all new to me, but I will learn how to control it at some point. I sure hope so because this teary eyed, sniffling, red face look isn't great. (One friend that I cried in front of DID tell me that at least I don't ugly cry. So that helps right? It's the little things.)

Now to the crying over a text (or a lack thereof) thing. Let me throw out the huge, and I hope obvious, disclaimer  and that is that no, I do not cry, nor have I EVER cried, because someone "did not text me back". No. I cry at the bigger picture. At the frustration of purposely working on myself to be more open, and meeting dead end after dead end. At the frustration of trying to put out what I want to get back in return (effort...kindness...interest) and not getting it. At the confusion of what is happening over and over, and why it's happening with the same results.

My yogi would say it's because the universe is teaching me a lesson but seriously universe, enough is enough. I get it. I am awesome, if someone walks away from me, it's not me and good riddance, I don't need no one, blah blah. I think the universe has me confused with another girl that looks like me, because my self worth was never the issue at hand. As an adult, I've never thought I was anything but beautiful, smart, nice, etc. Sure, I have my bad traits and I am fully aware of them, but they are not deal breaking traits. I'm a catch. And I'm trying. So why can't I meet a catch who wants to try with me? And what makes this entire process even more frustrating is that when I WAS more closed off, wall up, guard at full, I didn't go through this. So I swear I'm getting the opposite result by actually caring, which doesn't sit well with my logical brain.

But this is part of the process right? The beautiful process of being vulnerable and more importantly, being OK with being vulnerable? The process of learning about you and trying to work on whatever doesn't sit well with you? The part that is overwhelmed with confusion and doubt and questions and feelings and God knows what else. The part that goes from happy to sad to happy. The part that feels crazy exposed and wonders if I opened up too much or too little? Was I positive? Did I make a negative statement? Did I smile?

Sigh. This shit is exhausting. Working on being a better version of you is a lot of work, but I hear the reward is wonderful so...onward.

A letter to my younger self ...

Perez Hilton recently posted a letter to his younger self on his blog, followed by my best friend posting one on hers [and making me cry in the process lol]. I shall be a copy cat and do the same because I think it’s dope:

Dear Younger Me,

• You will never belong to just one clique … ever. It didn’t happen in elementary school or high school and will definitely not happen in college. You will meet the most amazing people in various different places so enjoy.

• Your decision to go to college 400 miles away from home will be one of the best decisions you make in your life, as well as one of the hardest. You will be lonely and miserable at times, which will result in rivers of tears, migraines, and loss of weight but it will be all worth it, I promise.

• You will be known as the mean girl as you grow up. And by “mean” I don’t mean vicious or cruel. I mean the short tempered blunt girl who never means to say mean things, they just come out cold sometimes. You will forever work at bettering this and will probably fail miserably. Don’t stress out so much about it. Your true friends will understand.

• Your quiet demeanor will continue but it will oddly work for you. Your social network will go from 50 to 1000+ by the time you’re in your late 20’s. Thankfully you will clearly know the difference between friends and associates and will never really confuse one for the other.

• You will continue to be that person that gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. You are not naïve, you just don’t believe that everyone is evil or that mistakes can’t be learned from. Unfortunately, you will be hurt countless times by this but that’s ok. What’s worse: being a pessimist who believes the worst in people, or being hopeful that people can be good?

• Despite your cold exterior, you will fall a few times and fall hard and for people you least expected to fall for. You will cry and be sad and wonder. Don’t feel ashamed to do so. Everyone comes in to your life for a reason and what is meant to be will be, even if it takes a while for all of it to make sense.

• It’s ok to truly miss someone, regardless of the circumstances behind your story. It really is.

• Try to watch your temper and what you say and how you say it. It will cost you at least one friend or two.

• You will be met with a lot of “really’s?” due to what people see you as and what you really are. The girly girl who is a techie, the quiet chick that’s in a sorority, the “Puerto Rican” who’s really Chilean. Just smile and say yup.

• You will never successfully fill the void of growing up with no family around. Your friends are your heart but family is family. As you grow older you will fall deeper in love with them. Visit Chile as often as you can. They miss and love you too.

• Dad is hard on you now but there’s a reason behind his madness. You will learn to appreciate it as you venture out into the world and go through different situations.

• Despite what you physically look like, you will totally be able to hold your own in a male dominated workplace. Own it. They will notice and have the upmost respect for you.

• It’s ok to be insecure or scared or sad or stressed. It’s ok to cry. Don’t try so hard to act like you always have everything under control. You are human, not a robot. Showing weakness is not a character flaw. Get over it.

Never forget:

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
-Desiderata, written by Max Ehrmann-

Love always,

-me-

:: 2am ::

and i'm up because after i got home from work i took a "nap" that lasted me 1.5 hrs ... uugghhh.

now i'm finally getting sleepy but i'm blogging and have no idea what to blog about ... i make no sense

i was thinking today about jealousy; what it is and how it works. according to some wikihow article, "jealousy is a combination of fear and anger". fear in regards to losing something and anger in regards to someone or something moving in on what you feel is yours.

i've always known that i have small fits of jealousy but i honestly never really understood why. the feeling in my tummy would just be a feeling and would leave as soon as it came. sometimes i would feel like it was eating away at my insides and it would become so unbearable that i would exhibit a sign of moodiness but that was it for the most part. only once has it ever gotten to the point where i blew up, and that ended in a disaster. never again.

now that i read that page, it makes a little more sense. what still confuses me though is how that fear or anger can rear its head regarding a situation that ended a while ago. someone you barely talk to anymore, don't see at all, and was never a person that you could have happily been with. are humans that ... greedy [for lack of a better word] that even though we KNOW that person was a terrible lover or friend, the minute we come to realize that someone else has stepped into the spot that you once held, you feel like a baby punched you in the gut?