Dating Chronicles: Did You Forget About Me?

I've been debating for a bit now which tale to tell first, and then I got hit with this. The following string of conversations took place just this week alone, and totally encompasses the lows [and crazy] that us single folk might have to deal with in this dating world. I have added my personal thought comments, pretty much as I thought them, throughout the convo.

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7.8.11
Man sends a wink

7.10.11
I read his profile and initiate a conversation.

me: Healing arts? So does that mean you know how to treat migraines? [7.10.11]

him: lol, yes...migraines just stem from a pressure that is not even related to the area..But the answer is yes [7.10.11 11:59pm]

me: As someone who's dealt with migraines for 15 years, I'm intrigued! Enlighten me. [7.11.11]

him: wait a minute are you looking for a doctor or a date....lol [7.11.11 8:54am]

him: And a nerd, well I am a super nerd...and an x college athlete..lol..And the math museum is it going to have any references to quantum mathematics [7.11.11 8:56am]

him: Just a heads up , because it is more important to address this instead of finding out about if you are interested..Read Brian Weiss Many Lives Many Masters, (quick read) then read Journey of the souls by Michael Newton..Once you have read this you will be more then intrigued ...Your eyes will be counted as amongst the three.....your migraines stem from another source in which you would not even had thought of but with the proper steps they could be alleviate..Now I was intrigued what was that word that had you stunted for a few days..Now were you angry that you lost , that you were tricked or that you did not realized that the word was actually not a word...ah ohhh , i sense a little bit of projecting...:) [7.11.11 9:14am]

I'll admit that I re-read that last email at least 6 times. In my head, outloud, to other people. I didn't understand it at all. The books, ok. But the rest? Eyes? Ok. What had him intrigued is beyond me. What word? I was stunted? The word isn't a word? what?!?!

me: uummmm you totally lost me with that last email? lol. not sure about the museum but this is the article i read about it [7.11.11]

him: I am sorry I am on vacation so figured I would shoot out a funny email...The reference to you having three eyes was referring to your third eye , just one of your chakras...So the answer to your earlier question is yes...your migraines can be healed...All and all it is really hard to get some witty lines while typing.. How was your weekend? [7.11.11 6:51pm]

More questions going through my head. What does being on vacation have to do with being funny? Was that funny? If so, our humor clearly doesn't match because I didn't even giggle [and I can giggle at the most random things].

me: My weekend was good, just relaxed and hung out with family and friends. What about you? [7.12.11]

him: Are you serious does coffee really make you Happy...or are you just so pumped up that you feel on cloud 9. Well I just realized that your profile reads like a tech blog describing an idea...now that's classic.. My weekend was just spent playing ball and having meetings about a script a friend and I will try to start filming this summer...that was cool but...to stop wasting time here is my number give me a ring..I really don't feel anyone can vibe or find a flow to a conversation unless it is over the phone..If you are interested shoot me a text before you call so I know your calling..And no I dont usually do this but since you actually emailed me back after that retarded email got you confused, well let's just say you sound legit.. [7.12.11 8:06pm]

him: Odd though, I just realized I did not leave my number :: insert phone number :: [7.12.11 8:21pm]

By now I am just truly confused as to wtf is going on. Yes coffee makes me happy. What's the big deal? A script? Sounds interesting. Ok you don't want to waste time? What time has been wasted? It's been 48 hours since our first chat. What the hell. We don't even know each other's names!!!

him: My weekend was pretty good. [7.13.11 1:58pm]
him: Where'd you go? You forgot about me? [7.13.11 6:56pm]

 At this point I'm just turned off and bewildered. Our email "pattern" was I would reply once a day. Why I'm getting emails about being forgotten are beyond me. Once again, I don't know you man!!! I decided to be an adult about this, and do unto other's what I would like to be done to me. In this case, not drop off the face of the earth without a peep.

me: I didn't but I'm starting to think we may not be the best match. I wanted to let you know and not just disappear. Good luck with your search! [7.13.11]

him: thank you [7.13.11 11:27pm]
him: just remember that I was just emailing there is no flow, no way to have a moment ..a convo.. over the telephone would give you a better measure and trust me I won't hold it against you if you have to admit you made a mistake after we spoke...lol....we all make mistakes..lol. [7.14.11 1:08pm]
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O.K. The face you're imagining me doing with all of this is a simple, blank stare. I can't even begin to say everything that went wrong in this exchange. I haven't replied and I don't know if I will. My gut tells me he is honestly a nice person, but this has nothing to do with nice or not. The word needy is all over this dude. If a woman did this, she would be labeled a stalker, stage 5 clinger, and crazy. The fact that it's a man has not changed the adjectives I am using to describe him.

I know dating is exciting and scary. I know when you meet, or see, someone that you physically think is cute and seems ok, you get antsy. I too have willed someone to wink at me, or better yet, message me! [I'm talking to YOU hot Argentinian man sir]. But all of those thoughts are private, inside thoughts, that I maybe share with a close friend. Never have I contacted someone, online dating or not, and been like where are you did you forget about me?! Especially not after 48 hours. And once again ... you don't even know my name! [cue Alicia Keys]

A part of me wants to write back to him and tell him what undid it for me, so I can hopefully save another woman from possibly running away from who she is meant to be with. The other part of me thinks that a 30+ year old should know better.

What to do, what to do!

My Dating Chronicles

As an almost 29 year old, it's sad to say that I am fairly new to "dating" as we think of it. In high school and college I just dated my fellow high school and college guys. This was easy and no fuss dating, and quite frankly, it spoiled me. I was in a bubble, and there were men. I saw one I liked, picked him, and off we went into dating bliss. This usually lasted anywhere between 3 months-2 years. When that relationship expired, I would be "single" for 1-3 months, and then start again. Pick, date, repeat.

Easy as pie.

Now I am, unfortunately, no longer in the HS/college bubble, and instead find myself in the concrete jungle fighting my way through a sea of women who are also looking to date.

Fun.

Adding insult to injury, this whole dating part of my years has been nothing like I've seen on tv. None of my friends have a great friend or cute coworker that they can introduce me to [and if you do and I find out you're holding out, we're not speaking again!] and if they do know people they are either not age appropriate, or I am not attracted to them in the least. Meeting men in general in this city is HARD, at least for me. I'm still waiting for the day that I roam through a bookstore and a cute, intelligent, age appropriate man chats me up. People always tell you to get yourself out there! Ok. Sure. Let's go to a lovely rooftop bar. :: crickets :: Professional networking event? Everyone's in their cliques. Yoga? All the men there are either gay or with their girlfriend/date.

Yeah. Not working.

Due to all of this, I have :: gulp :: been on the internet dating scene for about a year now [but if you add up the time I have actually been active on a site, the total is maybe 5 months. I have A.D.D remember?]

I used to be shy about admitting this was what it has come down to but more and more people I know are doing it. I even know people that have married someone they met online [sounds like a match commercial but it's true!] And honestly, I really just don't have a better way to meet people. I work all day, refuse to go to a happy hour every day in hopes of meeting someone, and my friends don't have friends.

So online dating it is/was. I've met a few people in person and chatted with more. None of these have worked out obviously, since I'm still single, but some of the stories have been semi huh? Because of this [and boredom], I've decided to chronicle my dating experiences, and maybe throw in a lesson or two.

Disclaimer: I won't be using anyones name/job in any of these stories because I think that's not nice. Also, while practically all of these stories are about men that I *maybe* went out with twice, I will leave out the story of the one person it did but didn't work out with [who was actually the very first person I ever met off of a dating site]. Regardless of how that went down, we spent a few months dating/hanging out/whatever and I did care for him. These are wtf stories, not bashing stories. That's all. :)

With that said ... on to the stories!



violence against women

On Monday, June 20th, I went to sleep knowing that someone I knew as an acquaintance had passed away with his girlfriend. I immediately thought car accident.

On Tuesday, June 21st, I went to sleep knowing that that person had actually killed his girlfriend and then taken his own life.

Shock is not even the word to describe the state I have been in for the last almost 48 hours.

I'm wrestling with the decision of naming a name in this post. The story is no longer a secret. The names have been released to the media and the story is on news sites.* It's just so surreal to me to know that something like this happened. Another domestic violence case. Another story. And not only that, but someone I knew did it.

I, along with my friends, spent all of Tuesday chatting and glued to our computers. What happened. Who, what, where, when. Unfortunately, I'm not sure we will ever get a "why", but as the day went on and detail after detail emerged, a part of me cried and my stomach turned even more.

I had so many people ask me if I was close to him, or if I knew her. The answer is no and no. He was someone I knew and had hung out with a time or two. She was unknown to me. But that doesn't change the fact that the story is hurting my soul.

For a long time I have felt that people don't take domestic violence seriously. That upon learning that a woman has been punched or kicked by her lover, the response is "why doesn't she just leave" [as if it's always that easy]. Or it's doubt or claims of her being dramatic. Or even worse, that she somehow brought it on herself.

I've made no secret of the fact that I was thoroughly disgusted by the "punishment" that Chris Brown received after the incident with Rihanna. Not only that, but I was even MORE disgusted by the stupid [yes stupid] shit that people said to me regarding that event. Things like:

• She probably did something to him first.
• She's not a tiny girl, you know she probably hit him too.
• Come on, you know she instigated it.
• Haven't you heard that S&M song? Whips and chains? She likes shit like that.
• He's young and stupid, it was just a mistake.
  

 I'm sorry, what? Come again? I had to bite my tongue a whole lot, but yes I think whoever said that to me is stupid.

But this isn't about them. This is about two very real, very young individuals, who are now dead because of domestic violence.

This shit is real kids. VERY real. Domestic violence is not an act. It's not a game. Women go through this every.single.day. Need a fact to prove it?

Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.

 Need more?

• On average, more than 3 women a day are murdered by their husband/boyfriend
• One out of four women are victims of DV at some point in their life
• Each year there are an estimated 1200 deaths and 2 million injuries incurred by women due to violence
• 1 out of 3 teens know someone that has been hurt by their partner
• Approximately 15% of US adults have been a victim of DV

I think people are always quick to think that it won't happen to them, but it can and it does. In the blink of an eye you can find yourself in an abusive relationship. And then what? Some women are strong enough to leave before something terrible happens, and some aren't. So many people criticized the Eminem/Rihanna song for "glorifying" staying in an abusive relationship. They weren't glorifying it kids. They were speaking the truth. People stay in bad relationships all the time. Why? Because they love them. Of course getting abused is not love, but the point of abuse is to gain control over the other. And when you get to that point...yeah you think love will fix it. 

I don't even know what to say anymore regarding this story. A part of me wishes that my initial reaction of what took their lives was right, but I can't. The only thing I can do now is pray for them and their families and friends.Pray that this story opens the eyes of someone in this scenario, regardless of whether you are the abuser or the one being abused. Pray that you will call someone, write a letter, visit a center, do something to stop the cycle before it's too late.

I will say this though. To all the people I know that said one of the statements I wrote above:

Do you think she deserved it? Do you think she did something to trigger him? Even if she punched or kicked in defense, do you think it's ok that he retaliated and ended up killing her? If she liked playing dominatrix in bed, do you think she "liked" getting abused? He was only 26 years old and this is not his first abusive relationship. Do you still think he was making mistakes because he was young?

I hope not. I hope you can't even begin to answer any of those questions with a yes. Many women make it out alive with some bruises, but many become the ultimate statistic. The worst case scenario. It takes just one snap for an abuser to totally lose their minds and perform the ultimate act.

It can happen to anyone. I wish the world would start to take this more seriously because this is so very, very real.

Every woman who thinks she is the only victim of violence has 

to know that there are many more.
-- Salma Hayek 

RIP.

http://www.ndvh.org/
http://www.domesticviolence.org/

http://www.ncadv.org

You can also call the following resources for help:

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 TYY

The National Sexual Assault Hotline:1-800-656-4673

The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline:1-866-331-9474

National Stalking Resource Center: 1-800-FYI-CALL (394-2255) 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

*To read this story: Click here ...

what the freak

:: random convo ::

me: have you found someone to go get a tat with?
guy: nope..are you offering?
me: not at all but i can go for moral support and you can hold my hand

guy: what about a boob?

me: umm...even if i was dating the person i would not allow anyone to hold my boob while getting tattooed. so no.

guy: booty?
me: no
guy: lol zzzz
me: :: really goes zzz and ends conversation ::


um. Dear whatever girl there is out there that condones this type of behavior. KNOCK IT OFF! men are assholes because somewhere one of you goons cosigns.

Ssooo...

1:21am and I'm up. WHAT A SHOCKER!!! My internal clock is beyond messed up. I find it almost impossible to go to bed before 1:30am on a work night. Not only that but I'm so whatever about my job now that I basically shrug whenever my alarm goes off, end up getting up close to 9, getting ready in half an hour, and at work 15 min late. I try to act like this is because I'm not a morning person [I'm not], but every other job I've had has started at 8/9am and I would be there on time. One job started at 6am [you read that right] and I made it by the 9min grace period EVERY DAY. So this blatant disrespect to clocks that I got going on is specific to this j-o-b.Horrible I know but when you have a job that doesn't really treat you the best, you make up for it in other ways.

Anywho...

I have about 4 things that I want to actually blog about but tonight will just be randoms:

• It's way too hot for May 30th. August scares me.
• Speaking of August, I think I want a low key birthday this year. Shocker #2 I know because my bday is the one time I act like a brat and shout ME ME ME! but just the thought of a big club/lounge thing exhausts me. Besides, I definitely want 30 to be big so I figure I should just take it easy on this one and go all out for that one. We'll see.
• I've been thinking a lot about my family lately because there's a lot going on, but one thing is for certain: despite anything, my family trumps anything and anyone. Blood is thicker than water and nothing can change that.
• I miss Chile. A lot. I wish I was a kid again and could take month long vacations there.
• Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial start of summer and it was lovely. I hope this is a prelude to the rest of the season.
• My friend in DR gave birth this weekend [on Dominican Mother's day actually] and I am SO happy for her. The baby is beautiful and I want to squish his little fat face!!! 
• The birth of this baby means that I will probably be in DR within the next few months. His Bronx auntie needs to go spoil him.
• Work tomorrow is going to blow due to a deadline of ... tomorrow.

Randoms

• I'm going away for memorial day weekend and am praying to every god, deity, and religious figurine that it's decently sunny and warm. please. if i wanted to chill in the rain i would have stayed in the bronx
• some people need to re-evaluate their friendships
• while others need to not flatter themselves.   :)
• i hung out with a friend yesterday who has a child and i developed a whole new respect for him as a father. that sh*t is not easy
• i know someone who is a salsa dancer but that's like all they do during their time off. i get it. it's your passion and you perform in shows but there is a really big world out there. maybe do something else once in a while? or maybe that's normal and my A.D.D ass is wrong because i get bored with things pretty quick
• faking support for someone because it's the right/nice thing to do when you actually think it's pretty silly is hard. sometimes i wish i had an expressionless mona lisa face
• my male coworker who literally 3/5 days a week tells me he has nothing to do and has been coming in almost an hour late every day makes $10k more than me. who runs the world? men.
• speaking of that...dear beyonce. you're beautiful, talented, and an awesome performer, but i can't stand you. you're an idiot. your songs are hollow. and you need to stop jacking lyrics/dances/styles and acting like you are super creative. you're not.
• i hate that i feel like i never have enough time to do things because i know it's bull. other people do it, why can't i? i have 85 things i want/need to do and somehow can't get one done. i need to change this.
• my roommate went balistic on the upstairs neighbors yesterday. i laughed but i kinda don't want to run into them. in her defense, their "kids" are like 10 and bigger than me and run around the house at all times of night. they are assholes.
• i want a burger. now.

growing, growing, grown

I re-read my last blog and I've realized how random it is. I blog about a lot of things but my personal love life isn't one of my main topics. But love is a part of life and this is about my life so...there it came out.

I went off on my love tangent because one of the two people that I was talking about I saw very recently and that moment made me realize something about myself.

I'm growing.

[Both literally and figuratively, let's not forget I'm 5'3 and a quarter now, thanks!]

Anyway...seeing him again for the first time after 3 years made me aware of the fact that I was no longer angry. Or hurt. Or sad. I felt an odd sense of peace and nostalgia. Not in the sense of wanting to be with him again, but just nostalgia for someone that was once so familiar.

This may not seem like such a big deal but it is to me. I'm the type of person that after any break up, my #1 rule is to get them out of my life. Ask any of my friends what has my advice been to them if they are trying to get over someone ... "stop talking to them".

Don't get me wrong, I still totally stand by my idea that the only way you can truly get over someone is by removing them from your life. I don't believe that there is any way that you can learn to adjust to the fact that you are no longer with that person by keeping them in your life in the same way they once were. Just doesn't happen.

The growing aspect of this isn't the part that I realized that everything was now ok. The growing is the part that came after...which is the fact that we are on speaking terms again. Normal speaking terms at that. No pointing fingers, no talking about bad experiences. No tears, no getting upset, no mean words said. Just normal, dare I say, adult conversation with someone that I used to love very much.

In-sanity.

What's more insane is that this sudden revelation about myself led me to contact someone that I have not contacted since November and guess what...the same thing is happening. Ok I got slightly annoyed for 2.5 seconds today but other than that, it's ok and normal.

I absolutely don't like holding grudges and I have never really walked around angry at someone for months or years, but not forgetting has always kinda trumped forgiveness in my world. Removing someone from my life has been the trend I've followed for 28 years, and will continue to follow. But allowing them back in in a civil manner after the wound is healed and everything is peaceful? That's brand new and in all honesty, insanely refreshing.