that little thing called love

I've always wondered about love; more specifically, if love that isn't "perfect" love is still as real and pure as that long awaited fairy tale love.

I've been in love twice in my life. Once at 19 and the other at 22. Other than that fact that both relationships were clearly not for me, everything about those two moments in my life is so different.

My first love I met in a very weird way, and I will never forget that after I got home after our first date and my roommate asked me how it went, the first thing I said was "I don't really like him". Not sure what voodoo he did or if I hit my head or something, because that initial "blah" reaction resulted in a 2 year relationship. A crazy, tumultuous relationship at that but it was what it was. I honestly wanted to be with him forever and I remember a random phone call we had where he asked me to marry him. No ring, nothing sappy, just straight up "marry me". I think we're both lucky I'm too boring to do something that crazy because I would probably be divorced at 28, but I will admit that for 2 seconds I very seriously considered it. 

The 2nd love on the other hand...as weird as this sounds I think I loved him from the first moment I saw him. I remember seeing him for the first time with my sorority sisters and as we left, I literally said "he's mine" [see post on how I never had to work very hard at getting men]. And a few weeks later, he was. He was everything I didn't want; he was younger, his family life was in shambles, he was newly Greek [can we say disaster] but my goodness how we both fell. 

I knew from the day I met him that it would never work. I knew there was no future, I knew it was going to end, knew that we were both going to get our heart broken. I was probably the worst I've ever been with a man during the beginning stages of us. I didn't like that I had feelings for him so I decided to negate them by acting anti-us [smart right? not. that shit never works] and pretending in public like he didn't exist. I was "single", I did what I want, I kissed whoever I wanted, danced with other dudes at the club and strutted my stuff like I was on my own. I held on to that "I don't have a bf" card for a long long time until I finally looked down at it and realize it was yellow and crumpled and I was being a bitch. So I threw that card out and dove head first.

Definition of LOVE
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

And it sucked. It sucked but it was so good. Is that even possible? A lot of people have criticized the Rihanna/Eminem song for "promoting" domestic violence and bad relationships and trying to glamorize them, but those things really do happen.

[Let me enter a very serious side note and state that despite the chaos that some of my relationships have been, I have never been touched by a man in any demeaning manner. Domestic violence is very serious and it is never ever ok.]

But I think of that song because here I was, in a relationship that I knew was going absolutely nowhere and wasn't the best, but I stayed. And stayed and stayed. A relationship I had no business being in but I loved him, not through fear or pity or anything negative but just for the simple fact that I had never felt that before. I loved my first love but this was different. Why or how, I don't know, but it felt entirely different.

So was this love? Were both of these not-for-me relationships the real thing?

I think so. They weren't filled with flowers or picture perfect examples of what we deem love to be, but to me it felt real. In the last few years I've run in to both of these men and my breath caught a little each time. I don't think real love ever fully goes away. We all have our own lives now and have grown apart, but there is still a deeper sense of caring for them than for anyone else I've ever dated. Our relationships were hard and not the best but I learned so much from both. I wouldn't change a thing.