little thing called control

or lack thereof.

I would be the biggest liar in the world if I sat here and said that I react totally fine when I lost control over a situation. Fact is, I don't. I hate it. I feel like it eats away at my stomach.

As much as I like control, I do realize [and accept] the fact that there will probably never be a circumstance where I can exhibit total control over a person or situation. Actually I lie, I hope the only people I can ever have some sort of control over are my children in their young age. Other than that, I don't think I'd ever wish to have full control over an adult; I mean, how boring would that be?

The reality is though, that while I do hate not having control over something, what gets to me even more is the thought of not knowing, specifically not knowing things that directly affect ME. Depending on the scenario, my emotions that stem from this range anywhere from slight confusion to being livid.

I think nowhere does this affect me more than at my job. To explain what I do in the absolute simplest of terms, let's just say that I work in a software company and I am pretty much the second to last person that touches the product before a customer gets it. Naturally, the fact that 80 hands get to it before I even see it tends to mean absolute chaos for me. Dates change, programming fails, bugs are found, and little Cathy is left there tapping her foot with her arms crossed asking "what the hell is going on?!"

And while I understand that things are, without a doubt, going to change with every pair of hands that gets it before I do, I HATE when my questions are met with silence or obscure detail. Because then my not-as-difficult-as-it-seems job becomes a nightmare ie I am livid. All because I don't know.

Switch over to my personal life, and that feeling of not knowing just results in sheer confusion and being lost. The fact that I overthink things doesn't help in the least [let's be honest and note that most women overthink things...top that off with the fact that I am very much a Virgo and you can see how I practically have smoke coming out of my head due to how much I think about things in general]. Does he, will he, won't he, should I...etc etc. And that doesn't only apply to love affairs, although I'll admit it's probably what gets it the most. Friendships, family matters, everything is subject to this flaw of mine. My absolute most favorite example is when, while pledging my sorority, I stood there with my face a very obvious mix of confusion and frustration and was simply told "You hate the fact that you have no idea what's going on, don't you?"

Yes...yes I did.

Despite my control issues, I don't think that I necessarily try to control other PEOPLE. I just feel like I need to have total control of my life at all times, and when I don't, I feel chaotic. And in order to control my life, I need to know things. I need to know when programming will be done, when I will be receiving the work, when is my cousin coming to visit, when am I meeting up with my friends. I can take change, things not working out, bugs in software, and rescheduling. I just need to know what is going on. Like at all times. Is that too much to ask?

Knowledge is power kids.