once upon a time i had a friend

we shall call her A.

A and i were friends since early childhood; my dad worked in her building and we were the same age and only children, so we got along pretty well. she was the first person other than my cousin that slept over my house, and i was allowed to sleep over at hers. on the days that the sleep over was at her place, i would go to work with my dad early saturday morning and hang out in the office until it was "late" enough for me to go to her house (can't really go knocking on someone's door at 7am on a saturday).

a few years later, my dad got promoted and we moved into A's building ... i was ecstatic to have someone that i was so close to nearby ... all i had to do was go up a flight up steps and there she was. our random sleep overs turned into us being together almost every day, always at each others house, always outside together.

now in our very early teenage years, we saw each other through things that normal teens go through: insecurities, awkwardness, fights with parents and inevitably, boys. at age 14 i had my first "real" boyfriend. the one that i "loved" and (unfortunately) went through way too many things with considering how young i was. my relationship with him was hard ... he was jealous and crazy possessive and as a result of it, my friendship with A started suffering because he always wanted me with him and would argue with me if I wanted to spend time with her. Reading this now it's hard to imagine me putting up with that nonsense but remember ... i was 14 years old, super young, "in love" and nowhere near as outspoken as I am now.

One day i woke up and A was gone from my life and i had no idea why. It hurt but I didn't know what to do so i left her alone. A couple of years later she contacted me and asked if we could talk. I agreed and went to the apartment that I spent so much time in, that room that i knew as well as my own, and I felt like such an incredible stranger. While I listened to her i was dying to just get out ... nothing felt the same anymore. I found out why i had lost her ... because of that boy and because her mother had told her i was a bad example for her (really?). And instead of remorse i felt angry that someone that i had known for about 10 years could just leave me without talking to me first. How could she walk away from the one person that had never betrayed her? As wonderful as she was, she unfortunately went through so many of the hard teenage issues that you see now. At age 13 i saw a long red mark across her throat and found out she had run a piece of broken plastic across it. I cursed her out. Around the same years, she developed a horrible self esteem issue and stopped eating. She would "eat in her room" and hide the food under her bed or throw it out the window. I never knew if she became bulimic, but she was definitely anorexic.

What's sad is that her mother, who was a nurse, turned a blind eye to it. Everyone saw the circles under her eyes and her thinning body, except mommy dearest. I guess it's true that when it's happening under your own nose, you just overlook it. By no means am i a saint but i was there. I refused to hang out with her until she ate something in front of me ... an apple, a yogurt, a piece of bread. Anything.

Needless to say our friendship was over. This happened about 10 years ago .. fast forward to 2010 and A just had a baby girl. I knew she was pregnant, as my dad still talks to her, but I hadn't realized how far along she was. The crazy thing is that sometime within the last 2 weeks, I had a dream with her and in that dream she was pregnant and i told her that i knew we didn't speak anymore, but i still loved her and if she needed anything during her pregnancy, i would do it. If she needed a ride to the hospital, i would take her, if she had a craving i would get it for her. whatever she needed.

And then randomly i found out she had had the baby and i wondered if that sort of ... telepathy? ... could still exist with someone that you lost a decade ago. it kinda blew me away and as i told my dad my dream all he could say was "that's nice" while looking at me.

i just shrugged.

yeah that would be nice but she's not there. and i can honestly say that while i don't give two craps about all the other people that just woke up one day and decided i no longer held a place in their life, she is the only one that has ever hurt me by doing that.

maybe since a part of her and her presence seems to still be inside me, a part of me is still inside her ... and if that's the case ...

"my dear A:

i've never told you but i miss you and hate the fact that the 2nd half of my life so far has been without you. i forgive anything and everything you did to me so many years ago and i hope that you forgive me too. congratulations on your daughter; i hope that she is able to have the life that you never had, but has the childlike qualities that made you so great. i hope she watches the honeymooners under a blanket in the dark, has a love of astronomy, and has a friend to build forts with. At the same time, I hope she never forgets that she is beautiful as she is. May she have all of your strengths as well as the strength to overcome the weaknesses you had. I hope you can be the type of mother that you never had but always wanted and most of all, i hope she is truly *angelic*.

love always ... me"