oh confusion

i want to write but i don't know what to write. i was doing ok until something happened that required me to push me to the side. the fact of the matter is that as emotional as i am, i don't know how to deal with emotions other than happiness. i don't know how to deal with hurt or confusion or sadness or longing, so i run. when the issues have to do with only me, i physically run away from the world and retreat to my room, my haven, so that i can sit with those feelings alone. but when those emotions can be encompassed within another person, i just run away from them. maybe that's childish of me but it's the only way i know how to deal and i've done it my whole life. no person means no emotions. the fact of the matter is that my theory back there is complete and utter bullshit. as if physically distancing yourself from someone makes you forget they were ever there. i mean really. the really f*cking sad thing is that i don't know what i want and THAT is what's f*cking me over. do i want to be with them. do you know how many times i've been asked that, before, during, and after. and my answer is honestly, i don't know. it's not a cop out i don't know. it's a legitimate "i don't know!!!" as crazy as it sounds i wish i could figure it out. i doubt anything would change other than the fact that i would now be clear with what i want [or don't want]. what i DO know that i want though is normalcy. the last few days have been semi normal [or as normal as we're allowing ourselves to be] and it's been nice but it's still not normal. not the normal that existed, that i know can be reached. i just want it to be normal. but then i think about it and wonder if it ever really was normal. in our secluded little bubble it was. fuck normal, it was amazing is what it was. but truely normal? :: shrug :: it was probably the fakest normalcy i'll ever see. fake because in the confines of our personal space, wherever that happened to be at the moment, it was perfect. but the minute one or the other stepped out, broke that invisible barrier, the harshness of the real world slapped us in the face. sometimes i wonder if that amazingness was because of the circumstances, or because it just was. did that make sense? at rit i always used to laugh at the fact that it was widely known that the scale for rating women there was COMPLETELY different than that of the real world. rit was filled with "geeks" and "nerds" and "social outcasts". it is a true tech school and let's face it, up until a few years ago, technology was not really a field women went into. therefore the amount, and caliber, of the women in the school was very limited, and the rating system was on a crazy curve. the sexy hot girl in rit would probably just be looked at as normal [if that] in the real world when put up against ... well the world. so back to me .. was it amazing because of the circumstance, the confinement, or was it amazing just because that's how it is. if put out in the real world, up against all the real issues people face, would it still hold and be what it was? a part of me wishes that answer is no, simply because if that is what is real ... that level of comfort, of talking, of intimacy, of laughter ... then it just f*cking sucks. i can't even strive for the normalcy before it began because the fact is that we were always full of flirtation and giggles and hours of conversation. it's been 3 months since the "fake normalcy" faded into blatant reality. 3!!! the time apart is going by as fast as the time together went. will everything be ok, yes it will but the time it's taking to get there sucks.

...my rant is over. if it made no sense, that's fine. i didn't really think much, just sat down and typed.

...

and on an absolutely total random note, we had our dept holiday party today and it was absolute comedy.