Welp...

Well, here I am again, however many years later. How is it that I always seem to come back to this thing whenever the metaphorical sh*t hits the fan? I guess it's like my own personal (and free) therapy...

I've had this blog for years and have written about a hundred different things. It was always where I went to vent, to get things off my chest, to ground myself. Again... free therapy!

For months now, I kept telling myself that I want to write in order to help deal with my current situation, but kept failing to sit down to do so. But today I woke up, had some breakfast, watched HTGAWM (ridiculous TV is my guilty pleasure), read, and finally thought enough is enough. Please write, Cathy. Your soul needs it.

So here I am and here we go. What's been going on that I've had the overwhelming desire to write for a few months, you may ask?

Well...On January 19, 2016, I met a boy. And August 12, 2016, he died.

It's been almost 6 months to the day, and my heart still drops whenever I say those words. He died. Not in a figurative "he's dead to me!!" while feverishly deleting all traces of him from my life kind of way. No, like...for real died. Like I've sat next to his grave crying and talking to him, while staring at the picture his family put on his gravesite died.

To say that these past almost 6 months have been a whirlwind is the understatement of the year. Grief is hard. It's bumpy. It's overwhelming. It catches you off guard. You go from being "ok" to shaking through sobs in the matter of five minutes.

(Un)fortuntely, this is not the first time I've experienced the sudden loss of someone in my age group. (More on that "un"fortunately word later...)

Five years ago, on August 13, 2011, I lost my high school best friend in an accident. Her passing was undoubtedly, pretty safe to say, the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I had a flight to Chicago scheduled for August 18 to go visit her, and instead, I drove to her wake that day. Her passing was a nightmare. I had never lost anyone that I was that close to, that was my age, or to anything other than a health reason. Her death was everything that shouldn't happen. A young, beautiful, healthy woman was gone in the blink of an eye because of a tragic accident.

I struggled through all of those emotions and eventually made my way out. But then fast forward five years, almost to the day, I lose someone else. My handsome, smart, witty boyfriend was gone. I was shocked. I cried out on the phone with his dad. I was confused. And then his father said the words that I can still hear in my head...

"Cathy, he died from an overdose. He struggled with this for a long time."

Those words were like a blow to my chest. Why? BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. Because I never saw him do anything, take anything, swallow anything. Because he came to my house almost every weekend with not even an overnight bag (seriously, how unfair is it that men can fit their life into pants pockets and not need to carry purses like us?). Because I'd go to his home and see nothing, anywhere. Because while I did know something was "wrong", because I was ignorant but not blind, I had no idea it was that.

The phone call with his father lasted under five minutes and I was suddenly not only processing the fact that he was gone, but also processing the why. It was terrible. It still is. We all know that grief has stages. Disbelief, anger, guilt, etc. I learned about those stages five years prior with my friend. But dealing with the grief of an overdose is an entirely different beast. I think a lot of guilt associated with losing someone is the guilt of things unsaid. Of not visiting them more frequently. Of forgetting to say I love you in what ends up being your final conversation. But this guilt isn't that. This guilt is literally, why didn't I see it? I could have helped him. I could have gotten him help. I could have called someone. Basically...I could have saved his life and I didn't and I was a terrible girlfriend for not having done so.

Of course that's all bullsh*t and I know it. It is not my fault that this happened. I can't even feel guilt for being an enabler, because you can't enable behavior that you weren't aware of or participated in. But it doesn't really change those waves of guilt that wash over me every now and then.

And then there's the anger. Mmmmaaannnn... the anger is so very real. So real that back in January I felt anger towards him as if he was still here, had said something stupid, and not apologized. That anger you feel when your man is just clueless and does something and has no idea why you're upset, but you're just counting down the minutes until you speak to him to get it all off of your chest. That's what I felt. I was so angry that he had never told me what was going on. That he lied to me every single day. I try not to think of it that way but of course, that's simply what it is. He lied to me daily to keep the truth from me. But last month, that thought just snowballed and I started to wonder what else was a lie. Was EVERYTHING a lie? Every word, every action. Or just the words/actions that were meant to hide his disease?

There is SO much I want to write about in regards to my last 6 months, but I'm going to leave this here for now. I sort of want to publish all of these posts in an entirely different blog, but I need to set it up. For now, I'm happy to have at least started to get all of these feelings down on virtual paper.  My hope is to not only use this as a tool to help myself heal from this, but maybe even help someone else. I've Google'd the crap out of overdoses, drugs, etc since this all happened, in an attempt to get more understanding of the disease, and find support systems. Every little blogpost, article, and statistic has helped in some way, even if just for a few minutes. Maybe I can do the same for someone else.

The Art of Being Vulnerable

Ah feelings. They suck. Ok they don't "suck" but they make shit complicated.

It's been...a year? Almost a year? 7 months? (Why do I not know the answer to this?) since I've started to see my yogi in an attempt to work on myself, be more open, more vulnerable, let people in, yada yada. I was prepared to talk, to question, to wonder, to examine. I was not prepared to cry the amount of tears that I have cried in the X amount of time that I have been seeing her.

Having feelings isn't the issue. I've always had them, despite what anyone may think. I have been an emotional person my entire life. I've always cried, I've always felt sad, felt scared, whatever. I was just always really good at hiding all of that behind my tough, I have everything under control exterior. I was always good at not crying in public, brushing things off, walking around like nothing phased me. And now? Now I bawl at commercials, at the sheer memory OF said commercial, and tear up when a boy doesn't text me back after a date (more on that in a minute).

But back to the feelings. Why are they so many? Everywhere? And they come out at the most random times?! My friend told me it's because this is all new to me, but I will learn how to control it at some point. I sure hope so because this teary eyed, sniffling, red face look isn't great. (One friend that I cried in front of DID tell me that at least I don't ugly cry. So that helps right? It's the little things.)

Now to the crying over a text (or a lack thereof) thing. Let me throw out the huge, and I hope obvious, disclaimer  and that is that no, I do not cry, nor have I EVER cried, because someone "did not text me back". No. I cry at the bigger picture. At the frustration of purposely working on myself to be more open, and meeting dead end after dead end. At the frustration of trying to put out what I want to get back in return (effort...kindness...interest) and not getting it. At the confusion of what is happening over and over, and why it's happening with the same results.

My yogi would say it's because the universe is teaching me a lesson but seriously universe, enough is enough. I get it. I am awesome, if someone walks away from me, it's not me and good riddance, I don't need no one, blah blah. I think the universe has me confused with another girl that looks like me, because my self worth was never the issue at hand. As an adult, I've never thought I was anything but beautiful, smart, nice, etc. Sure, I have my bad traits and I am fully aware of them, but they are not deal breaking traits. I'm a catch. And I'm trying. So why can't I meet a catch who wants to try with me? And what makes this entire process even more frustrating is that when I WAS more closed off, wall up, guard at full, I didn't go through this. So I swear I'm getting the opposite result by actually caring, which doesn't sit well with my logical brain.

But this is part of the process right? The beautiful process of being vulnerable and more importantly, being OK with being vulnerable? The process of learning about you and trying to work on whatever doesn't sit well with you? The part that is overwhelmed with confusion and doubt and questions and feelings and God knows what else. The part that goes from happy to sad to happy. The part that feels crazy exposed and wonders if I opened up too much or too little? Was I positive? Did I make a negative statement? Did I smile?

Sigh. This shit is exhausting. Working on being a better version of you is a lot of work, but I hear the reward is wonderful so...onward.

July 23, 2012..

I don't even know when was the last time I cried...bawled...over her death but tonight was the night that it hit me again. I have no idea why. It's not like I don't think about her at least once every single day. But today it just sucker punched me and here I am, at almost 1:30am, typing senseless crap away with tears running down my face.

It's been almost a year later since I made that phone call and I still.can't.believe.it. Is that normal? I have visited her grave countless times, have run my fingers over her name and I still "can't believe" that this happened.

I feel like her death broke me. Like it left this black hole in me that I was either ignoring or just not understanding. I feel like instead of moving forward with this, live with no regrets mantra that tends to sprout out of someone when they have a life changing event, I've become more fearful than ever. The morbid thoughts of what if this happens to this person or me or her or him just flood my head every.single.fucking.day. Because the same way I lost her while she went out to do something so innocent as go to a concert at a fair, is the same way some other crap can happen. Because whether by the hand of God, or the trigger finger of a maniac, your life can change in a split second. 

I hate that I feel this way and I hate how I've been feeling lately. I'm moody and sad and angry. But most of all I am so fearful and doubtful. I am. I used to be so...if I say I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. I did that all through my school years; whether it was stating firmly that I was going to attend RIT no matter what, or throwing a banquet for the student org I was president of, I said it and got it done. And now I just sit here in fear and doubt and don't do ANYTHING. Because the fucked up, scared, pathetic side of me thinks that I can just lose it so quickly, so why even bother.

Isn't that so sad? I want this life and this career and love and feeling of happiness and hope, knowing that my life is going so wonderfully. And I am scared shitless to throw myself out there and do it. Because she had that and she lost everything. 

She had it all. She did. She was successful and smart and beautiful and was getting ready for grad school and was engaged and had her pugs and she had her entire life ahead of her. She had made her deposit for her September wedding at the beach. She was so happy. And then there was nothing. And that feeling, that thought...haunts me. And I know if she was here she would yell at me and then shake me and tell me to get over it. But for now that feeling is just right there.

I'm sad. I am. Over her of course, but in general as well. I don't think I can remember the last time I felt truly happy. I know I have a great life and I am always thankful for everything I have. But I know I'm settling out of pure fear and that gets deep down into my soul and makes me feel so heavy. I see people around me moving forward and falling in love and getting new jobs and I just want to scream how much I want that, but then that secret feeling that I wasn't even aware I had, that fear of losing everything just kicks in. 

Le sigh.

Putting my big girl panties on

So here we are. It's officially 2012...new year, new goals, new checklists, and apparently, impending doom if the Mayans were right. I've decided that this year is the year that I get myself together. Not because it's a new year, no. But because this is the year that I turn 30 and I will be damned if I enter this new decade doing some of the same things I've been doing, or not accomplishing some of the things I want.


I think about things that I want to do or have all of the time. I want a better job that challenges me [and pays me more, who am I kidding]. I want my room to be more organized, my body to be more toned, my hair to curl more. Travel somewhere new, dress more stylishly...the list goes on and on.


I'm constantly thinking about things I need/want to do and later on realize that most of them go undone. Maybe it's because I forget some and don't put much effort into others because I'm busting my butt to attain the other few. Whatever the reason, I don't want to do that anymore. I want to have a goal, no matter how tiny, and do it. What better way than to put it on a freaking public blog so I can be held accountable for it after, right?


So here we go, in no type of order...all of these are things I want to have by the end of the year, unless otherwise noted.

1. De-clutter my room/home.
2. Buy a duvet.
3. Get new blinds for my room. And possibly a curtain.
4. Live alone by the time I turn 30.
5. Frame all of the things I want to frame.
6. Wash my car.
7. Maintain some sort of exercise regimen. I always fall off when it gets hot. Heat scares me. [And by hot I mean 90 degree NYC summer time hot.]
8. Read more.
9. Update my wardrobe.
10. Kick butt at work.
11. Go to Chile. I'm due for a visit.
12. Develop better sleeping habits.
13. Be a [tad bit] more risky.
14. Date more. Or at all. However you want to look at it.
15. Learn how to put on bloody eye shadow in colors other than my neutral safety palette.
16. Get my Italian skills back [already bought a livingsocial deal for this!]
17. Find someone who can make my hair look wonderful.

...to be continued.

It's been a long time...

I shouldn't have left you, left you

Without some blog posts to go to, go to
Go to, go to, go to, go to, go to...

:: chika chika chika ::

Ok I'm done being completely corny.

I have stayed off of this blog for far too long and quite frankly, I missed it. [and the whole 10 of you that actually read it] Truth is, if I kept coming here since the last time I posted, every post would have been sad as I was mourning.

Well, I still am mourning but I just didn't want to do it on a blog. The first month of my dealing with my friend's passing was public...very public. And while it helped in its own way, it was too much for me. Too much to be speaking at memorials and having people I've never met in my life contact me on Facebook. I don't know what the "proper" way to deal with this is, but that didn't seem like it was it. While I absolutely appreciate every person that reached out to me, and I wouldn't change one thing that I said or did, I needed ... no, I NEED, to do this privately. Alone. Or as alone as I need it to be. I'm better. Not perfect but better. Sometimes I forget and sometimes I lay awake at night and cry. It is what it is. But I need to do it my way. Semi alone. I don't want to check in at the cemetary on 4sq, or write sad messages to her on her page, or write sad statuses about life and how it sucks or whatever. To each their own but I can't keep myself in a constant state of misery, and I feel bad, borderline guilty, when I publicly see all of these feelings and my reaction is just ... why are you doing that? I've never really liked running to people to fix things and since this is unfixable, I kind of don't see any reason to run to someone to talk about it.

Ok I'm done ... back to my non-sad post!

So here we go ...

Randoms

• I took a hiatus from online dating because I'm convinced it is not for me. Recently bored, I updated my profile and an attractive fellow messaged me [score!]. First exchange was a smiley [ok, cute and simple]. Second exchange was the following: "so what type of hispanic are you?" Dumbfounded [and after shit talking with a couple of people about said exchange], I sarcastically replied with "the cool kind. I'm also fluent in spanish. you?" Apparently this backfired on me because I was met with a "oh well what's the cool kind because as far as I know, i'm the coolest kind around."
  Ok. Now i'm just annoyed, so I replied with a curt "chilean". To which I'm met with "cool I'm prican, your a hot chilean =) "
  That's verbatim my dear readers. Needless to say, this was met with an eye roll and a sigh.  Lesson to be learned from this: do not ask people what TYPE of ethnicity they are. thanks
• I am taking the first vacation vacation I've taken since ... 09? in 2 weeks. I haven't told many people about it, but it requires a passport so I am excited! Can't wait to get the hell out of this city and cut connection from everyone for 10 days.
• Despite the fact that I'm "going black", I've decided that I will be carrying my ipod around and hoping for wifi because I want to check in on foursquare! Please don't judge me, but unlocking a badge and seeing what random things you get points for is fun. Plus there are deals! And they work!
• Also, for the first time in my life I am going to start packing/getting ready early. Like almost 2 weeks early. I feel like I'm missing so many things I need to take but can't figure out what...so might as well start at least getting out what I'm taking so I can get a clear picture. Wish me luck!
• The year is ending and I need to focus on seriously job hunting. I am hitting my 4th year in February and I am over it.
• I have become somewhat obsessed with my hair, how it looks, and how/what I use to style it. Unfortunately I keep aiming for "big" hair and it seems that my hair used to get "big" because it was unhealthy. Now that I'm taking care of it, it's not like that anymore. le sigh.
• My dad told me on the side that my mom is all upset because I never go out with her and the lady upstairs goes out shopping with her daughters on the weekends. The whole "she goes out with her friends" and not me thing came out. Little does she know I don't even go out shopping for myself because I hate it! What to do, what to do. 
• Speaking of shopping, I desperately need to do it because I have very little winter clothes and what I do have are years old. But I hate shopping. The lines, the crowds, how hot the stores are. I'm old and it's no longer fun.
• Along with the whole shopping thing, I feel like I have trouble finding clothes now. I'm in what I feel is a weird age [29]. I'm too young for some looks, but too old for others. Add to that that I don't really like crazy fashion trends because guess what, once the trend is over, then that piece is semi useless. 
• I want to try the new dynamic blogger themes but they are weird. Or maybe not, but I think it's weird that it doesn't seem to stay set on one theme, you just select the view from the toolbar and it changes. And I don't like that my gadgets and stuff aren't in view. Ok I'm done...love you blogger!

Saying goodbye

It's been 10 days since I heard, 5 since I last saw her, and 4 since I laid her to rest. And I still can't believe it. Is that normal?

I've never lost anyone in my life that was young. Or that I was close to. Or in such a tragic way. And the fact that this one event is encompassing all of these things is just blowing my mind. I don't know what I'm doing. I have people telling me that I'm so strong and that I'm providing such guidance for them and I just want to scream I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! How am I helping you when I feel so confused myself?!?

I have no idea how to deal with this. I know there is no right or wrong way, I know. But that doesn't change that fact that I wish there was "a way". That someone could send me an article or a book to read that will outline for me how do you deal with the tragic death of someone that you care about.

But alas, that doesn't exist, so I'm forced to sit here with these feelings. Or should I say feeling.

I feel guilty as f*ck.

My stage of randomly bursting into tears appears to be over and now all that I have left are feelings of missing her, and just guilt.

Every day I think of the same things. Why didn't I visit before? Why didn't I pick to visit the weekend of that damned Indiana State Fair, because maybe then she would still be here? Why didn't I text her more or call her more or Skype with her? Why didn't I tell her just a few times more that I love her or missed her. Why didn't I send the cards I always thought about sending, but never did because I quite frankly, suck ass at sending cards?

Why, why, why. Every night I talk to her before going to bed and every night I apologize for what I deem to be, my being a shitty friend. Because of course now that I can never again tell her that I miss her, or send her a card just because, or visit her, all I do is think about how much I sucked for not having done those things. And all I've done, every day since, is tell her these things.

I spent all weekend thinking about what we SHOULD be doing too. That was rough. I had a Delta flight for Aug 18, 6pm from LGA to O'Hare. Do you know where I was on Aug 18 at 6pm? Getting into my car to drive to her wake. From Thurs-Sun, all I kept thinking was what it SHOULD have been. My flight would have landed by now, we should be getting dinner. I should be sitting in her living room having a cup of coffee right now and watching morning tv. We should be at the top of Sky Deck right now trying to get that perfect cool pic that doesn't show our fear of sitting on glass 100 floors in the air. We should, we should, we should.

Add on the guilt I feel every time I feel "ok". Every time I laugh, I feel guilty. Like, why should I be laughing? I just lost one of my best friends. I should be sad and crying right? No, I know that's wrong and silly. I know as much as this sucks and I miss her, life goes on. I know because she showed me that it does. When her mom passed in 2002, she lost the most important person in her world. But she kept on with her life. She missed her every single day but she didn't stop laughing, loving, or LIVING. She kept going. I know I need to take my cue from her but I just feel so.incredibly.guilty.

I feel like I'm dealing with this by turning into "go" mode. I feel "ok" but I think that I'm just falling back into life and focusing on things that I can control, because I cannot control this. I think that's how I feel. Not sure. I actually have the contact info now for a grief counselor. Never thought about seeing one but maybe speaking to someone entirely removed from the situation and me will help me. Who knows.

All I know is that I miss my friend. And I would do anything in the world to change what happened, even if just a little, I would have rather I change my flight to Indianapolis and sit in a hospital for 3 days, instead of having to cancel it completely. But I can't. Because this is real life and I do not have magical powers.

I'm not the most religious person in the world but now more than ever, I pray and hope that this "heaven" thing is real for the simple fact that that means that one day, I will get to see her again.

I felt her the other day though. On the evening of her funeral I went to her aunt's house and as we sat in a circle talking and laughing, I suddenly felt her. Mid-laugh I just got a sense of peace and calm and I envisioned her standing behind me, with her hand on my shoulder. And as quickly as it came, it was gone, but I didn't make up that sudden shift in me. It was so real and so sudden. I got home that night and asked her to please never stop doing that. To never stop visiting me every now and then as a simple reminder that it's ok and that she won't leave me. I think it's one of the only things that is giving me some peace of mind right now.

hot mess of america

That's the best way to describe me right now. How I'm feeling. I feel like a huge, gigantic mess. The other day I made a list, divided into 3 categories, of things I need to do. Cut my hair, look up airfare, throw away old makeup, get a recycle bin. The list was absolutely all over the place, but the two main to-do items that I believe are the main things contributing to my messy state are:

1. Update resume
2. Apply to jobs

I have finally admitted to myself that I hate my job. Not dislike. Not deem it as less than desirable.

No, I hate it.

I could go on and on about what has made me come to this conclusion, but I won't bore anyone with that. Just know that every morning I wake up with a feeling of disdain. The thought of once again, going downtown to sit 8 hours at that desk with those people, hurts my tummy. I like *what* I do...my problem is who I do it for. Specifically, the department I do it for.

Last week I had to attend a 3 day training on a product I've already had for 3 years because I had never been trained in it before [if that doesn't make sense to you, don't worry, it didn't to me either]. I was on point with my employee skills. I arrived 30min early every day. Sat in the front, took notes. Worked on my labs. I didn't talk much because I've always been the quiet student, but I listened to everything. The other people in the training were from all over the world and they were SO SMART. They had so many questions and scenarios on how to use the product. A lot of what they said went over my head because I just didn't know it, but I loved it.

I miss working for people that I think are smart. That sounds mean to say but it's the damn truth. I miss aggressive people who can make decisions. I miss working with people who speak confidently when explaining something, because they know they know it. It is incredibly hard to work for people that you, quite frankly, have no respect for as an employer. Everyone in my department is a very nice person. But nice people don't necessarily make good managers or leaders. And they are horrible leaders. I'll admit that I don't like to be led. I like to sit down and get my work done, without having to do much follow up or take much direction. But I don't mind being led at all, as long as it's done by people that I want to lead. Be like. Emulate.

I don't want to emulate these folk. I want to be inspired. I want to learn. I have never been the person that talks just to talk, but when I do talk, I say something. I want my voice to be heard. My suggestions to be seriously considered. I want to be appreciated as an employee.

So that's where I am. I'm almost 29 years old and I can honestly say that I have never disliked a job as much as I dislike this one. Not even my 10 hour a day, 6am starting job in Rochester. Not child labor Baskin Robbins. Not Bloomies. Nada. Just this one.

I do realize I need to be grateful to have a job, and I am. But I feel like I'm getting stupider by the day, despite my ever increasing workload. I think I do good work but I wish I could do GREAT work. You may ask why don't I? Well because when you are managing about 9 projects alone, with no real support, it's hard to ensure superb quality. It becomes meet the release date, or be wonderful yet leave out a ton of work. And quite frankly, I get nothing to compensate for busting my ass to put out superb work. So why do it?

I've started updating my resume and will very soon start applying to new places. I got asked the other day if I have any emotional attachment to my job, and the answer is no. It saddens me more to think about leaving my project managers and screwing up their doc, than actually leaving my department. My project managers are awesome people but unfortunately, I don't work for them.

If I wasn't so anal, I would just quit with no job lined up but I don't want to then be jobless and lost.


Sigh. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I've lost control.