hot mess of america

That's the best way to describe me right now. How I'm feeling. I feel like a huge, gigantic mess. The other day I made a list, divided into 3 categories, of things I need to do. Cut my hair, look up airfare, throw away old makeup, get a recycle bin. The list was absolutely all over the place, but the two main to-do items that I believe are the main things contributing to my messy state are:

1. Update resume
2. Apply to jobs

I have finally admitted to myself that I hate my job. Not dislike. Not deem it as less than desirable.

No, I hate it.

I could go on and on about what has made me come to this conclusion, but I won't bore anyone with that. Just know that every morning I wake up with a feeling of disdain. The thought of once again, going downtown to sit 8 hours at that desk with those people, hurts my tummy. I like *what* I do...my problem is who I do it for. Specifically, the department I do it for.

Last week I had to attend a 3 day training on a product I've already had for 3 years because I had never been trained in it before [if that doesn't make sense to you, don't worry, it didn't to me either]. I was on point with my employee skills. I arrived 30min early every day. Sat in the front, took notes. Worked on my labs. I didn't talk much because I've always been the quiet student, but I listened to everything. The other people in the training were from all over the world and they were SO SMART. They had so many questions and scenarios on how to use the product. A lot of what they said went over my head because I just didn't know it, but I loved it.

I miss working for people that I think are smart. That sounds mean to say but it's the damn truth. I miss aggressive people who can make decisions. I miss working with people who speak confidently when explaining something, because they know they know it. It is incredibly hard to work for people that you, quite frankly, have no respect for as an employer. Everyone in my department is a very nice person. But nice people don't necessarily make good managers or leaders. And they are horrible leaders. I'll admit that I don't like to be led. I like to sit down and get my work done, without having to do much follow up or take much direction. But I don't mind being led at all, as long as it's done by people that I want to lead. Be like. Emulate.

I don't want to emulate these folk. I want to be inspired. I want to learn. I have never been the person that talks just to talk, but when I do talk, I say something. I want my voice to be heard. My suggestions to be seriously considered. I want to be appreciated as an employee.

So that's where I am. I'm almost 29 years old and I can honestly say that I have never disliked a job as much as I dislike this one. Not even my 10 hour a day, 6am starting job in Rochester. Not child labor Baskin Robbins. Not Bloomies. Nada. Just this one.

I do realize I need to be grateful to have a job, and I am. But I feel like I'm getting stupider by the day, despite my ever increasing workload. I think I do good work but I wish I could do GREAT work. You may ask why don't I? Well because when you are managing about 9 projects alone, with no real support, it's hard to ensure superb quality. It becomes meet the release date, or be wonderful yet leave out a ton of work. And quite frankly, I get nothing to compensate for busting my ass to put out superb work. So why do it?

I've started updating my resume and will very soon start applying to new places. I got asked the other day if I have any emotional attachment to my job, and the answer is no. It saddens me more to think about leaving my project managers and screwing up their doc, than actually leaving my department. My project managers are awesome people but unfortunately, I don't work for them.

If I wasn't so anal, I would just quit with no job lined up but I don't want to then be jobless and lost.


Sigh. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I've lost control.