wanting what you can't have

I was going to blog about something different but due to recent events, I changed my mind. Maybe I'll blog my original idea tomorrow.

As random as my blog is, I try not to write too much about specific men issues that I may be going through at the moment. I tend to keep those more private, but every now and then I break and go for it.

Everyone always talks about wanting what you can't have...the thrill of the chase, the mystery, the excitement. I don't think there has ever been a truer statement.

For 28 years I have watched my friends go after people that don't want them back. And for 28 years, I have seen the same in me. [Note: by no means am I saying that every single person has been a chase, for my friends or I. But yes, it's happened.]

I have watched us cry, get upset, get stressed, mope around, and wonder. And every single time it happens, I wonder why the hell do people do this? Yeah yeah men are hunters by nature and they like things that are hard to get and blaze blah, but really, why?

I can't speak for men but I have a solid belief that women do this because they want to go down as the one that got him to change. The one that got the player to settle, the commitment phobe to propose, the boy to grow up. Our challenge isn't really to physically "get" the man; it's to emotionally make him the man of our dreams.

Think about it. Girl gets boy. Girl is happy with boy. Girl starts becoming unhappy with boy. Fast forward months/years and girl is STILL unhappy with boy. Why? Because she can't get someone else? No. Because she loves him? Yes but not the sole reason. No, it's because she believes that he loves her so much and she is so amazing that he will change for her. And ladies and gentlemen, that practically never happens.

Yes the initial chase is fun and healthy. I'm not a fan of jumping head first into a relationship to begin with, so I can appreciate the beginning stages of coming and going, giving and pulling back. But sometimes it gets out of hand and goes too far. Sometimes you have just had enough.

That rant was kind of just the back story to what I'm going through. I have something to say to someone that may or may not read this, but whatever. Here goes:

Dear Boy,


Once upon a time, I saw you. You saw me. I smiled, we spoke. The next day we had coffee, which turned into seeing some Apples, which resulted into lots of texts on some Berries and ended with...us. All in a week. I wanted you, and I got you. You wanted me, and you got me. We laughed, we smiled, we had silly songs. The 1/A/F became familiar, the place I just wrote a song for became not so far anymore, and our candy red haven was a long elevator ride away. Everything was bliss. And then one day, boy, you declared how much you wanted me. And as quickly as that came, it went. Chase over, hunt gone, you caught me and decided I wasn't worth it. And you left. It hurt, of course, but things happen, people grow, and life goes on.

And because things are the way they are, you came back. Boy saw girl. Girl saw boy. We met up at that place that was right in the middle of our jobs, but still slightly closer to mine. You tried to make it the same, but it wasn't anymore. You may not believe me but I did try. But the fact is, boy, that no matter what you said or did, that memory will never leave me. The fact that once upon a time, you saw me and I saw you. That I smiled and we spoke. That coffee led to Apple and the Berries and...us. And that after everything, when you had me.

You let me go.

And while I appreciate it and care about you, I refuse to be caught again by you, because I don't think you will keep me. And I want someone who will.

I'm sorry.

Love always...

Girl