i've been trying to understand this feeling that i've been having lately. this random feeling that i couldn't explain. i knew it was there...i felt it, emotionally and physically...but what it was exactly was totally inexplicable to me.
fast forward to this exact moment...where i'm sitting in bed, in a robe, tv on, messing around on the internet. and it suddenly hit me...i'm calm.
don't get me wrong...things that are stressful and hectic are still there. my job is still a never ending cycle, people are still rude, my car is still on the semi-sick list, my room is still a mess [i need to donate clothes badly]. but i feel fine. i'm not stressed. not angry, not annoyed...ok i'm a little sleepy but i am in essence a sleepyhead so whatever. but i feel *fine*.
i'm both happy and sad about this...happy that i suddenly find myself in a place where no, life isn't perfect, and yes, i do want more, but i'm totally ok with what i have and what is going on, regardless of the less than "perfect" state it may be in. sad that this feeling is so unbeknown to me that it's totally caught me off guard and i had no idea what it was.
:: sigh ::
i'm craving nature right now. real nature. the sound of a wave crashing without beach chatter, the ability to look up at at a night sky and see stars easily without squinting through the light of a street lamp, taking a walk outside and hearing a cricket and nothing else.
i miss that peaceful silence that is almost impossible to find in the city that never sleeps, where the streets may be empty but the peaceful quiet and darkness is always going to be interrupted by a garbage truck on the night shift or a tall building that i'm way too short to see past.
this is when i miss upstate.
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